Hard

It's just hard sometimes. Life has us hurling forward. We live in a go go go, get it done society. Since we've been "on vacation" we have been going. One event to the next. Matthew waking up and asking "where are we going today?" "What's next?" and so on... Well this weekend has been non-stop action, and yet all the while, I wanted to put the brakes on. Packing up my sister's car, loading her up for the trip she's venturing on was so hard.

Let me rewind... Friday morning, my mom and I drove the boys to the lake. We got up at 4:30 to get to the lake before it "got too crowded." And we had a blast. We played, we swam, we ate, we chalked, we skied, (well some of us did), we tubed, we rode the wave runner, we swam some more, it was awesome. But then all too fast, the fun ended. We went back to Kris and Brian's and started working. We cleaned and packed and organized and loaded and unloaded and duct taped and bungee corded her life into the trunk of her car and said our goodbyes.

The most precious part was when it was really time to leave, we stopped for ice cream. We went to one of the first places Kris had ever taken mom after moving to Mizzou, seven years ago. It was fitting, for it to be our last stop. Mark asleep in her arms, we sat around sharing ice cream, loving on Kris one more time. It was a somber walk back to the car yesterday afternoon, after the ice cream was gone and the boys were cranky and the drive back to STL needed to be completed. Mom and Kris cried. Kris and I cried. Brian comforted me while mom and Kris cried some more. Oh the depth of the pain in saying goodbye is so deep. It's only a year internship, but it's still so hard. She's going to be gone to a small town in Arizona, which instead of a few states away, seems like planets. It's the things that you don't say out loud that you are thinking the most... like how much these boys are going to change in a year's time. and how precious she is to them, and how much she doesn't know that they love her. How Matthew asks about her even when it's been lengthy since we saw her last between visits. ... how much of a blessing the technology of Skype is. (though that one was said out loud). ... Sigh. It's just so hard.

Being away from my husband during all this has just amplified how hard it is. How much I love him. How much I miss him. How much it is so hard to be away from those who love you. I feel like part of me is really missing, lacking, without him here. I love you, Jamie. I'm so blessed to be given this special time with my parents, with Kris, with other loved ones. I'm so blessed to have a husband who understands my need for my family. I'm so thankful for his willingness to be without me near a month. I know I'm blessed.

It is hard all the same.

I love you Kris. I love you. Be safe this year. We are missing you. Come back to us in one piece! Go to church, make new friends, stay strong, lean on Jesus to hold you when you're alone. He's here.

Goodnight neverland.