starting over

Okay, So.... those five posts:

beginnings, what next, kris, weight related, and and my theme song were all posts I'd posted either Friday and Saturday night. Even though it has a Monday title now. Oh well. I needed to start the blog over and try again, so here we are, trying again.

That being said, today was a good day. I had my confession time this morning about Friday. I talked to both Nic and Megan at length about it and I'm excited to be moving on with this journey. It's time to end this battle!

First day counting steps and I did 372! Wah-cha-cha!

my current theme song

Okay, one more and then I'm turning in.

A friend of mine just sent me an email saying that she was thinking of me because of a song she heard in the car. I'd heard this song before lots of times but really never listened to all the words. There is one line that has sunk home with me. It is the truth for my life right now... "and though my heart is torn I will praise you in this storm" It's so moving, so true and very fitting. I think this can apply to everyone, no matter what the storm is you are going through, you can still praise Him in it.

Casting Crowns: Praise you in this storm.

I was sure by now God you would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
that it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear your whisper through the rain,
I'm with you
and as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
that you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
you hold in your hand
you never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
you heard my cry you raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find you
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
I'm with you
and as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Psalms 121:1&2 "I lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? my help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."


and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

Today.... and Kris's visit

With my son asleep, worn out from a day of playing in the dirt and building Lego towers and my better half at work ridiculously late on a Saturday night, I find myself again sitting at the computer. I've noticed on people's blogs they usually tell you what you'll be reading about. Well, on here I'm not quite sure yet. I've given the back history and "caught" everyone up on where we are currently with recent personal events, so I guess the next thing to do is just keep going. I'm sure I'll ramble on about whatever is on my mind at that given moment. I'm currently in a journey with my weight, so that is something to post about. More on that later though...

Before I move on I feel the need to talk about something happy, and aside from the sad things in my life currently, there have been pleasant times too. My sister came down from MO to visit over Easter weekend. She came with her boyfriend Brian and her dog Chewy. They stayed a lengthy weekend with us over their spring break. Normally they've gone to Florida over their breaks and spent time on the beach, but it didn't work out this year and we were glad to be the alternative option. I don't know about the best choice in destination but the company was wonderful and much needed! Kris and I walked every day she was here save one and that was so good for me. She pushes me in a way I need to be pushed and driven exercise wise. She also loves and adores her nephew and he loved and adored her right back. Matthew and Kris spent endless hours reading and playing. He can recognize the letters which spell his name and Kris wrote it for him again and again. It's neat to hear him say each letter. He says it like this: "mmm ae tee tee ahha EEE! wah-wah" which is how any respectable 21 month old would spell 'Matthew' letter by letter I'm guessing!

During the visit we got to spend more time with Brian which was nice. And we also got to spend some time with his brother Mike who also lives in the ATL area. While they were here we took a hike at Stone Mountain. That was a blast. If you are ever in the ATL area, make time to spend a morning or afternoon there. It's amazing to see God's handiwork in such a fashion. Stone mountain is in fact a mountain... it is just a large hunk of rock-- granite actually. Along one side there are carvings in it which was neat to see. I've lived here 4 years now and hadn't been until Easter weekend. We're defiantly going back. I had no idea there was so much to do and see. Matthew LOVED the TRAIN! We didn't ride on it but it passed us and that was great to see his face light up so brightly. Also he loved the ducks.

It was a good time and we have new sweet memories to help brighten the darkness that March '08 held. Her visit was something that helped take my mind of things a bit as I counted down the time for the company to arrive. It was in fact a visit way too short if you ask me. I was sad to see them go but we really did a have a great time. We played games, played in the yard and at the park and played with Matthew the whole time. I miss my sis and I know she's already knee deep back into studying, probably wishing she was still playing "ready ball" here. We'll see her again in May.

What's next?

Friday, March 28, 2008

What's next?

So I find myself wondering: What will I post about next? What should I "catch up" on? But really, who needs catching up? Those who know me now and know me dear, already know all that I'd write in a catch up post. (I was told that one year about my Christmas letter, but I still like to write those things!) Those that don't already know, probably don't need to know all the backlog. The intro and snapshots of history is probably enough. And anyone who doesn't think so well, they can just ask about anything that they want to know. Sooo... that leaves me with today. Where are we today?

Today, I'm "here." I keep adding that as my status update on facebook. I might write what I'm really doing sometimes, but I keep coming back to the word "here." I'm trying to remain content and satisfied with where we are now, and to not get discouraged with what's happened or what might be to come. (For those of you wondering what in the world is this girl rambling on about... don't worry, I'll tell you. For those of you who don't want to read all about "The diary of a sad woman"-- stop here).

A month ago tomorrow I started bleeding and we lost a tiny baby I carried in my womb. It's hard to think already a month has gone by since that traumatic day. I haven't talked much about it out loud. A little bit on a public message board when the "it" was happening and a little bit to a few select friends over the phone... but nothing to compare the the arm loads of something I feel is still inside me. At times I want to shout or scream or beg God to tell me 'why'... But I'm reminded of His grace. His grace is sufficient for me. And His grace is enough. A friend of a friend of mine who has adopted a precious boy claims this verse. I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD. And he worshiped the LORD there. 1 Samuel 1 27-28 She doesn't know I've borrowed it. I am hoping she doesn't mind. I did pray for her child. And I did pray for this babe of mine. And now I do have to give him over to the Lord. I can't keep him... He was never mine to keep anyhow. Our gracious God in heaven gives us the blessing of children, but they are just a gift. They are His. They are His to love and hold and want. They are His to nurture and nourish. And they are His to take home when He so chooses. I'll never forget the date He needed mine to come back home to Him... Leap year Friday, 2-29-08. I don't know why I'm writing all this but it's healthy in some scheme of things I'm sure. At least I know the tears are. It's been a while since I cried about it. I wasn't pregnant long and that's been a hard fact. People will say "oh that's good that it was so early." But how can that be? Does it mean that my pregnancy was any less important or desired than one who might lose her baby at a later date? I'd guess not. Or people will say "oh that's just the body's natural way of handling something that was wrong with the baby since it was so early." That's what the doctor said that Friday night in the ER. He told me in most cases when the body aborted the baby "this early" it was 99% of the time an issue in development. It is at that comment I found myself crying to my husband later... "couldn't we have loved a baby who might not have developed all the way?" and that of course is only for us to wonder and God to know. I did love that baby. I do love that baby. From the moment we said we were going to start trying for a sibling for Matthew I prayed that God would bless us again. And He did. You know I never asked Him to bless me with a list of requirements attached to the blessing. I never thought that this could really happen.

In one of the two really lengthy conversations about all the transpiring events I told my best friend more than I think she wanted to hear. But I'm glad she let me ramble on anyhow. She told me how she truly just can't imagine what I'm going through right now. I told her this comment and I mean it all the more every day... "I know that this IS a reality, but I just never thought it would be MY reality." But it is now. This is part of my reality forever now. Part of me wants to plaster a big billboard somewhere that says "DID YOU KNOW?! 1 in 4. ONE IN FOUR pregnancies end in a miscarriage." 1 in 4? 1 in 4. Did you know that? That means two things to me. 1. Line up four women and chances are one of them has had a miscarriage, or will have one. and 2. Take a woman who's had more than four pregnancies and chances are she's lost one herself. That's not any small thing. 1 in 4. That's 25% of all pregnancies. All... ....All I know is that Jesus has one pretty huge lap. Because I know He's holding all those babies up there. But seriously, did you know that? Do your female love-ones know that? Tell someone. That's a pretty daunting statistic and I didn't know it until my nurse practitioner told it to me afterwards.

I could continue on with my ramblings but I think I've exhausted all that "needed" to come out. With all that said... I will ask for something... I will ask for your prayers. We are praying for the green light to try again. And we are praying for my body to be physically capable of another pregnancy to go full term. We are praying for my spiritual healing... for the guilt and grief to leave me. We are praying for our marriage that we will be strengthened because of this and not pulled apart in any direction. We are praying for Matthew. I still have to get up each day and take care of the beautiful piece of heaven God has allowed me to keep for now. On the worst of the worst days when all I wanted to do was to sit back under the covers and cry my eyes out, I couldn't stay there, because my son needed me. And for that I'm so thankful. I'm so grateful to love and serve a God who shows us mercy and grace. And to my Savior I now take refuge in His arms and for the night tonight maybe I'll sleep some. ....thank you for reading the ramblings of today.

Psalms 7:17 "I will give thanks to the Lord because of His righteousness, and will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High"

Psalms 16:1 "Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge"

Psalms 18:30 "As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him.

Psalms 130:1 "Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord."

Psalms 150:6 "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord!"

In Psalms we are shown through David times of great joy and times of great sorrow. The Psalms have been my 'go to' lately because there is no lack of emotion in these pages. David is either dancing and leaping before the Lord or he's beaten and wounded, trembling before the Lord-- yet in any regards, he is still praising the Lord. In this time of woe, I must be strong and remember to praise the Lord. I must remain faithful and give thanks for what we do have... and know that someday I'll get to see God's grace face to face for the first time when I meet that child in heaven.

Praise the LORD!

Posted by Kate at 9:51, 2 comments

The comments were from Nic and Marsha. If they'd like to "recomment" I'd be glad to add them. Sorry about that.

Just the begining...

This is a "repost."
I deleted the first blog page and am trying things over again.

Okay well I've done it now and joined the world of blogging. Here's a little back history about us. Jamie and I met at the end of May in 2003. We did in fact meet online, playing a game--no not in a dating site. We met in person October of '03 and changed the title of courtship to dating. A ring I wore as of June '04. (oh no, I'm now rhyming, must stop that!) And we were married October 2, '04. Only two weeks shy of a year's worth of dating before marriage. I've been so blessed to find love, my soulmate, my life's companion. While dating Jamie moved half way across the country to be near me while I was still in school after he graduated from GA Tech in Atlanta GA. After we were married he got a job offer down south, and we moved about 14 hours away from everything I've ever known only 2 months after marriage. With only Jamie and Jesus beside me in a new world we've now settled in Georgia. I'm so grateful for our church family and the relationships we have formed there with new friends and love-ones. I like Georgia. I miss the snow a lot, which of course Jamie thinks I'm crazy for missing, but I do. However I love the spring time and how fast it comes... the flowers are starting to bloom already here and it's not even April yet. The redbuds are a gorgeous purple already. There is one in the backyard. It's still rainy and cold in Missouri. Anyhow! In June of '06 the Lord blessed us with our son. Matthew Christopher Hobbs is everything I ever wanted. He's a momma's boy for sure. Jamie's job allows us to have me stay at home with Matthew so that I don't miss a moment of him growing up--way too fast-- and I'm so thankful for that. This past September ('07) we bought our first house! It's crazy being homeowners now but I love having our own place.

Ecclesiastes 4:12 says 'Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken'

Jeremiah 29:11 says 'For I know the thoughts I think toward you', says the Lord, 'Thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a hope and a future'

The Lord sure has bound as together as a cord of three-- Jesus in our center and Jamie and I beside him. And HE has given us a future with Matthew. How blessed we truly are.

Thank you for visiting Kate's Place!