What's next?

Friday, March 28, 2008

What's next?

So I find myself wondering: What will I post about next? What should I "catch up" on? But really, who needs catching up? Those who know me now and know me dear, already know all that I'd write in a catch up post. (I was told that one year about my Christmas letter, but I still like to write those things!) Those that don't already know, probably don't need to know all the backlog. The intro and snapshots of history is probably enough. And anyone who doesn't think so well, they can just ask about anything that they want to know. Sooo... that leaves me with today. Where are we today?

Today, I'm "here." I keep adding that as my status update on facebook. I might write what I'm really doing sometimes, but I keep coming back to the word "here." I'm trying to remain content and satisfied with where we are now, and to not get discouraged with what's happened or what might be to come. (For those of you wondering what in the world is this girl rambling on about... don't worry, I'll tell you. For those of you who don't want to read all about "The diary of a sad woman"-- stop here).

A month ago tomorrow I started bleeding and we lost a tiny baby I carried in my womb. It's hard to think already a month has gone by since that traumatic day. I haven't talked much about it out loud. A little bit on a public message board when the "it" was happening and a little bit to a few select friends over the phone... but nothing to compare the the arm loads of something I feel is still inside me. At times I want to shout or scream or beg God to tell me 'why'... But I'm reminded of His grace. His grace is sufficient for me. And His grace is enough. A friend of a friend of mine who has adopted a precious boy claims this verse. I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD. And he worshiped the LORD there. 1 Samuel 1 27-28 She doesn't know I've borrowed it. I am hoping she doesn't mind. I did pray for her child. And I did pray for this babe of mine. And now I do have to give him over to the Lord. I can't keep him... He was never mine to keep anyhow. Our gracious God in heaven gives us the blessing of children, but they are just a gift. They are His. They are His to love and hold and want. They are His to nurture and nourish. And they are His to take home when He so chooses. I'll never forget the date He needed mine to come back home to Him... Leap year Friday, 2-29-08. I don't know why I'm writing all this but it's healthy in some scheme of things I'm sure. At least I know the tears are. It's been a while since I cried about it. I wasn't pregnant long and that's been a hard fact. People will say "oh that's good that it was so early." But how can that be? Does it mean that my pregnancy was any less important or desired than one who might lose her baby at a later date? I'd guess not. Or people will say "oh that's just the body's natural way of handling something that was wrong with the baby since it was so early." That's what the doctor said that Friday night in the ER. He told me in most cases when the body aborted the baby "this early" it was 99% of the time an issue in development. It is at that comment I found myself crying to my husband later... "couldn't we have loved a baby who might not have developed all the way?" and that of course is only for us to wonder and God to know. I did love that baby. I do love that baby. From the moment we said we were going to start trying for a sibling for Matthew I prayed that God would bless us again. And He did. You know I never asked Him to bless me with a list of requirements attached to the blessing. I never thought that this could really happen.

In one of the two really lengthy conversations about all the transpiring events I told my best friend more than I think she wanted to hear. But I'm glad she let me ramble on anyhow. She told me how she truly just can't imagine what I'm going through right now. I told her this comment and I mean it all the more every day... "I know that this IS a reality, but I just never thought it would be MY reality." But it is now. This is part of my reality forever now. Part of me wants to plaster a big billboard somewhere that says "DID YOU KNOW?! 1 in 4. ONE IN FOUR pregnancies end in a miscarriage." 1 in 4? 1 in 4. Did you know that? That means two things to me. 1. Line up four women and chances are one of them has had a miscarriage, or will have one. and 2. Take a woman who's had more than four pregnancies and chances are she's lost one herself. That's not any small thing. 1 in 4. That's 25% of all pregnancies. All... ....All I know is that Jesus has one pretty huge lap. Because I know He's holding all those babies up there. But seriously, did you know that? Do your female love-ones know that? Tell someone. That's a pretty daunting statistic and I didn't know it until my nurse practitioner told it to me afterwards.

I could continue on with my ramblings but I think I've exhausted all that "needed" to come out. With all that said... I will ask for something... I will ask for your prayers. We are praying for the green light to try again. And we are praying for my body to be physically capable of another pregnancy to go full term. We are praying for my spiritual healing... for the guilt and grief to leave me. We are praying for our marriage that we will be strengthened because of this and not pulled apart in any direction. We are praying for Matthew. I still have to get up each day and take care of the beautiful piece of heaven God has allowed me to keep for now. On the worst of the worst days when all I wanted to do was to sit back under the covers and cry my eyes out, I couldn't stay there, because my son needed me. And for that I'm so thankful. I'm so grateful to love and serve a God who shows us mercy and grace. And to my Savior I now take refuge in His arms and for the night tonight maybe I'll sleep some. ....thank you for reading the ramblings of today.

Psalms 7:17 "I will give thanks to the Lord because of His righteousness, and will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High"

Psalms 16:1 "Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge"

Psalms 18:30 "As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him.

Psalms 130:1 "Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord."

Psalms 150:6 "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord!"

In Psalms we are shown through David times of great joy and times of great sorrow. The Psalms have been my 'go to' lately because there is no lack of emotion in these pages. David is either dancing and leaping before the Lord or he's beaten and wounded, trembling before the Lord-- yet in any regards, he is still praising the Lord. In this time of woe, I must be strong and remember to praise the Lord. I must remain faithful and give thanks for what we do have... and know that someday I'll get to see God's grace face to face for the first time when I meet that child in heaven.

Praise the LORD!

Posted by Kate at 9:51, 2 comments

The comments were from Nic and Marsha. If they'd like to "recomment" I'd be glad to add them. Sorry about that.