Goodnight my first angel

In 54 minutes it will be tomorrow. In 54 minutes it will be the first time in four years that it will actually be tomorrow. Tomorrow is "Leap Day." Tomorrow, four years ago, I began to know heartache. Something that can never go away. Something that will never be the same. Tomorrow will be the first time in four years to see the anniversary date appear... on February 29th 2008 a tiny life inside me found Heaven.

I find myself thinking of the song from the musical Rent... Seasons of Love...

Five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes....

How do you measure, measure a year?

in daylights?
in sunsets?
in midnights?
in cups of coffee?
in inches?
in miles?
in laughter?
in strife?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

How do you measure... measure four years?
Some day in Heaven, I'll get to see her.
Some day in Heaven, I'll hold her near.
But for now I'll be here waiting, until I can join in Heaven and wipe my tears.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I know that Heaven is a better place with my babies up there singing. So instead of thinking about what isn't... I think about where I'd be without my Markie bug. Mark was a blessing that came after this first storm. I so love him. He's so wonderful. He's a joy, he's a love, he's a blessing. He's so animated! He's such a little snot too. He's exactly too cute for words and he's such a snuggle bug. I don't know what I'd do without Mark. I long for the children I'll never hold... but I wouldn't give up the gifts that came next each time. My first storm cloud brought Mark to me. My second storm cloud brought Micah. Where would I be without these little men in my life? ... how dreadfully boring life would be! HA! It feels like a zoo we live in some times. It's never dull or boring that's for sure. These boys are worth getting up for. They are worth living each day better than the one before it for.

Matthew, Mark, and Micah, oh how I love you three so much. You help keep my heart beating each day. I love being your mommy and I'd have it no other way.

My darling Heaven sent babies, oh how I love both of you ever so much too.

Goodnight, my first angel.

The first time in four years, I've been able to say...

Goodnight.

Nana's birthday

Last weekend, we spent some time down south at Nana's for her birthday! The boys had a good time. They picked cotton and pecans! They toured the pond and Matthew wanted to fish so bad he could taste it. Darn the nap schedule, we just weren't down there long enough. We had a nice time visiting with Aunt Dianne and Uncle Butch and Nana. They are so precious. I love being a part of Jamie's family. Saturday night, we went out with a LOT of the family. There were people everywhere. It was nice to see some of the cousins and the aunts and uncles too.

Micah Met Uncle Rick !

I hadn't realized until today that I failed to upload some pictures on here .. the month of Feb has nearly passed me by, but on Feb 6th, Micah got to meet his Uncle Rick for the first time! At first he wasn't too sure about it but by the end of the day, Micah was warming up to him. We had a sweet time with Rick visiting. It needs to be MUCH sooner before we see him again.

two years ago

Fever, pink eye, sleepless nights, bronchitis, puking, diarrhea, lysoling the house, butt rashes, snotty noses, sleepless nights, humbling my pride and continuing to ask for help, asking for prayers, talking with a certain mentor-type motherly friend every night this week, laundry, sleeplessness, laundry, zero with the sleeping and more laundry…. These are things that have kept my brain BUSY this week. Complete exhaustion and lack of showering really takes a toll on the body. I’m so thankful for those willing to reach out and help. Thank you to Kathy being willing to call me help, Jordan for being willing to come, Tammy and Mary Kay for listening to my crying, Deb for listening to it all and being a prayer warrior for this house, Sandy for being so willing to keep coming, Ashley for bringing me Chick-Fil-A and pedialite…. I’m so blessed. I truly know that God knows how much I can take, how much I need and how much I can handle – yet I told my mother-in-law last night as I was holding my sweet Markie after he’d been puking that I just wasn’t so confident of God’s confidence in what I can handle. And yet, this morning, the sun is shining, the birds were chirping, the Lord is still Lord over all.

Today could be a seriously sad day for me… I tend to think to myself and tell people that February is hard for me. Particularly the end of February is especially hard for me. But I was shown something lovely last night after all the cleaning up all the puking was over, my mother-in-law sent back home, my boys back in beds… I started to lay down my head for the night. However, I stopped, went back for my prayer note book and started to pray over things that were brought to my attention yesterday. I pleaded with the Lord for my children’s wellbeing, wellness and health and safety and comfort and peace and protection in addition to my best friend’s job situation and my mom’s travel plans. I’m praying for T’s strength and family, L’s strength and family, J’s family, J’s situations… and instead of what could have easily been a “poor me” cry about all my strain and stress and wear and tear this week… not to mention my broken heart needing comfort… I didn’t.

I will however not ignore the day. Maybe some day, it will be easier but not today. I shared with my sweet friend Deb Wednesday night how much I wanted to go to bible study Thursday because I knew the lesson was on the Lord being our Maker. How the timing was so fitting… how much my heart wanted to hear this lesson, but yesterday was an all time low for me. I needed help in a bad way and was so thankful for those who came running. Emotionally and physically. And instead of me wasting the day away focusing on things that aren’t, I was able to see things that are. My children were loved on and played with, they were cared for and cherished. I was able to get rest and frankly, because of the exhaustion, I wasn’t able to focus on anything else. And I didn't get to go to Bible Study, but maybe that was exactly what I needed. To not focus on things that would be sad but to be exactly where I was needed, with these kiddos...

In one such blog posting in 2010, I wrote these words while we were on vacation, watching the kids love the water, the ocean, the beach, the sweet special time with Grammy, “… it’s hard to be dwelling on things that never came when we’re surrounded by such things that are.” and how true these words are. One thing though is that while I can look around and know how much God has blessed us, how happy my house is (normally!) and how grateful I am for who is in my life and what I have… none of that diminishes the pang of pain I feel on days such as these. I will not spend this whole day somber. I know that. I have big plans of watching Disney movie favorites, playing Candyland and Scrabble… but for a moment, I will allow my heart to grieve what never was.

Today, two years ago… I lost our second baby to Heaven…my fourth pregnancy, my second heart ache. Two years ago today, for the second time I never saw a beating heart on a screen where one should have been. Two years ago today, my world stopped turning while Jesus took another child home to Him. We called that one Myna Bird. So today, I will take a moment to honor my sweet Myna Bird and let my heart be heavy and ask the Lord to touch it. I cling to Ps. 34:18 and know it’s truth. “…the Lord is near to the broken hearted.” Some day I’ll get to be united with my children waiting for me in glory, but until then the Lord will be my rock, my shield, my comfort, my strength and my deliverer. I’m so thankful that my Maker is my Creator, my Owner, my Redeemer, my Help, the Lifter of my Head… My help comes from the Lord! (Ps 121:1-2) I’m so thankful that my child, who never saw life outside of my womb, will never know heartache, pain, sorrow, remorse, regret, fear, hate, betrayal, anger… He only knows joy and peace. He is singing songs of praise to his Maker for all the days of his life and some day, I’ll join him.

Today, I will praise the Lord – giver of Life—for granting me the joy of motherhood and pulling me out of my miry clay (Ps 40:2) and sorrow and renewing my soul with peace that only He can give. Amen.

Sleepless in Seattle

I feel like Tom Hanks in that movie-- only without the losing my wife part thankfully... on so many levels. Ha. But seriously, I am so sleep deprived. When Jamie is gone on a normal trip with normal functioning routine stuff going on at home, I barely sleep. It takes along time to settle down. It takes sometimes HOURS for my brain to turn off. I can go to bed at 10 and still be staring at the clock well past midnight begging to turn off the stress, wondering, anxiousness, fear, what-if-ings so that I can MAYBE sleep before someone wakes up needing something with the normal requests from Matthew: Is it morning yet?; from Mark: I'm thirsty or I can't find my bok (bah-ck = blanket); or from Micah crying to eat. I usually sleep with the bathroom light on in the hallway and the bedside touch lamp on low--things we don't normally leave on when my other half is nestled under the covers with me. He is the eyes and ears of the night. He sleeps very lightly while I sleep oh so soundly. He can tell me who was tossing around in the night and I didn't know anyone budged. When he is home, I sleep well. When he is gone... I hear every creaking noise this house makes... I hear every cough the kids make... I hear the door knob turn as Matthew opens it in the morning to leave the room (my door is of course open already)... I hear birds in the morning... I wake up and see intervals of half hours on my clock, listening in case someone may need something and I might not have heard it ... Since getting my hearing aid over a year ago... I have become so nervous at night when I take it out for the evening. If Jamie is home. I'm fine. I know he'll hear what I may (will) not. When Jamie is gone... and all systems are running smoothly, I'm nervous anyhow for the what-ifs. .........

The point... Jamie's been gone since Sunday. Take that "normal routine" and JAM IT DOWN THE TOILET. In the past four days... we've been to the ER, well care clinic, and the pediatrician. I feel like I'm DROWNING in all the possible WHAT IFS come to life! (Well... I shouldn't say that. Not all of them for sure. But all the sickly ones anyhow). My poor Matthew has had a fever on and off since Sunday (it was up again today after being gone yesterday), pink eye --diagnosed Monday pm and now Bronchitis --diagnosed today. We'd had a horrible night and so I took him back in. Seriously, I want to BANG my head on this desk. I will say PRAISE THE HOLY LORD ON HIGH that Mark and Micah aren't showing symptoms of either of these. I will say that! Mark is fine fine fine! He doesn't understand why Matthew's home and on the couch and not playing with him, but he's fine. Micah, besides his oh so not happy butt rash, is also fine and I'm praying he stays that way.

Last night went a little like this:
Eye drops given to Matthew and both big people in beds at 7:30
Micah in bed around 8:15-8:30
Mark still playing his music until 9:30
Matthew coughing on and off.
I went to bed at 10:15ish
Matthew woke up at 11 coughing badly.
Mark woke up at 11:15 being thirsty.
Matthew woke up at 12am being thirsty.
Matthew woke up at 2am to potty and crying about being hungry and thirsty. (He took two bites of a cereal bar and gave it back to me... AH!)
Matthew woke up at 4am being thirsty.
Mark woke up at 6 be/c he couldn't find his bok (it had been pushed to the edge of the bed)
I turned on his music and told him it was too early still.
Matthew woke up at 6:30 to potty again.
We did his eye drops at 6:40 and his crying about that woke up Micah.
Micah came to my bed at 6:50 to eat and yup, you guessed it...
His crying woke up Mark, who came in my bed "to love me" at 7am.
I'm not actually sure if I slept... at all last night... ....
Needless to say my nap from 2:27-4:50pm was WELL NEEDED this afternoon! I was so thankful that my mother-in-law was here to let me sleep. Mark and Matthew were both napping at the time, so she had just Micah to wrangle.

I have been so blessed to have Jamie's mom here. So blessed. Truthfully, we are so blessed to have both Jamie's parents close by of course... I'm just able to really be touched by my mother-in-law's ability to come over during the day and be a strong pillar for me right now while Jamie's gone and Matthew so sick. Going to the doctor today was made perfectly clear by the events of last night. And I'm so glad that we went. The doctor heard him cough and before she really had even listened to him, she said "ohhhh that sounds like Bronchitis." Then after listening to his back and hearing him cough some more, she said "yup, that's Bronchitis, mom." So in addition to our every four hours eye drop routine, motrin every six, we've added a heavy duty med to squash the Bronchitis to his menu. I truly do not know what I'd be doing this week besides swimming in a lake of my own tears without Jamie's mom ever ready to come over. Thank you so much, Sandy. So much.

Hmmm

Ever have one of "those" days?

I put baking soda in the pancake batter instead of baking powder... (Jamie had to then do math to make sure, all jokes aside, that Matthew hadn't consumed too much of it-- he's fine btw).

I turned the dryer on, with the clothes still in the washer...

Trying to do my coupon math for today and I can't figure out if it's better to get 1.80 or 1.85 off the ticket... really, my brain hurts from trying to find that stupid nickle...

Let's see if I can make it through the rest of the day unscathed from my own stupidity.

Moments to live for

Mark and I have been having this "I love you to the moon" "I love you to the stars" "I love you to the clouds" "I love you to the rainbows" thing going on lately and whoever says "I love you to outer space" is the winner. (Meaning Mark normally wins) ... Matthew and I had a similar thing when he was about this age that we've continued "I love you one" "I love you two" "I love you three" back and forth and then the first one to ten was the winner (Meaning Matthew normally won)... Anyhow, this was the moment this morning...

Mark: I love you to the rainbows.
Me: I love you to the moon.
Mark: I love you to the outer space.
Me: Ah! that was fast! I love you to outer space too.
Matthew (not to be out done): Mommy, I love you to each and every star and never stopping all the time to each star Mommy, all of them. And there IS a lot of stars.
Me: (MELT) I love you too Matthew.
Mark: (Not to be out done either put his hands around my face pulling my eyes back to see him) IIIIIIIII love you one.
Me: (chuckling) I love you two.
Mark: I love you three.
Me: I love you four, five, six, seven, eightnineten!
Mark: Heyyyyyy.
Me: I love both my boys so much.
Matthew: Well I still love you to each of the stars.

mmmmm. Life is so worth living for moments like these...