two years ago

Fever, pink eye, sleepless nights, bronchitis, puking, diarrhea, lysoling the house, butt rashes, snotty noses, sleepless nights, humbling my pride and continuing to ask for help, asking for prayers, talking with a certain mentor-type motherly friend every night this week, laundry, sleeplessness, laundry, zero with the sleeping and more laundry…. These are things that have kept my brain BUSY this week. Complete exhaustion and lack of showering really takes a toll on the body. I’m so thankful for those willing to reach out and help. Thank you to Kathy being willing to call me help, Jordan for being willing to come, Tammy and Mary Kay for listening to my crying, Deb for listening to it all and being a prayer warrior for this house, Sandy for being so willing to keep coming, Ashley for bringing me Chick-Fil-A and pedialite…. I’m so blessed. I truly know that God knows how much I can take, how much I need and how much I can handle – yet I told my mother-in-law last night as I was holding my sweet Markie after he’d been puking that I just wasn’t so confident of God’s confidence in what I can handle. And yet, this morning, the sun is shining, the birds were chirping, the Lord is still Lord over all.

Today could be a seriously sad day for me… I tend to think to myself and tell people that February is hard for me. Particularly the end of February is especially hard for me. But I was shown something lovely last night after all the cleaning up all the puking was over, my mother-in-law sent back home, my boys back in beds… I started to lay down my head for the night. However, I stopped, went back for my prayer note book and started to pray over things that were brought to my attention yesterday. I pleaded with the Lord for my children’s wellbeing, wellness and health and safety and comfort and peace and protection in addition to my best friend’s job situation and my mom’s travel plans. I’m praying for T’s strength and family, L’s strength and family, J’s family, J’s situations… and instead of what could have easily been a “poor me” cry about all my strain and stress and wear and tear this week… not to mention my broken heart needing comfort… I didn’t.

I will however not ignore the day. Maybe some day, it will be easier but not today. I shared with my sweet friend Deb Wednesday night how much I wanted to go to bible study Thursday because I knew the lesson was on the Lord being our Maker. How the timing was so fitting… how much my heart wanted to hear this lesson, but yesterday was an all time low for me. I needed help in a bad way and was so thankful for those who came running. Emotionally and physically. And instead of me wasting the day away focusing on things that aren’t, I was able to see things that are. My children were loved on and played with, they were cared for and cherished. I was able to get rest and frankly, because of the exhaustion, I wasn’t able to focus on anything else. And I didn't get to go to Bible Study, but maybe that was exactly what I needed. To not focus on things that would be sad but to be exactly where I was needed, with these kiddos...

In one such blog posting in 2010, I wrote these words while we were on vacation, watching the kids love the water, the ocean, the beach, the sweet special time with Grammy, “… it’s hard to be dwelling on things that never came when we’re surrounded by such things that are.” and how true these words are. One thing though is that while I can look around and know how much God has blessed us, how happy my house is (normally!) and how grateful I am for who is in my life and what I have… none of that diminishes the pang of pain I feel on days such as these. I will not spend this whole day somber. I know that. I have big plans of watching Disney movie favorites, playing Candyland and Scrabble… but for a moment, I will allow my heart to grieve what never was.

Today, two years ago… I lost our second baby to Heaven…my fourth pregnancy, my second heart ache. Two years ago today, for the second time I never saw a beating heart on a screen where one should have been. Two years ago today, my world stopped turning while Jesus took another child home to Him. We called that one Myna Bird. So today, I will take a moment to honor my sweet Myna Bird and let my heart be heavy and ask the Lord to touch it. I cling to Ps. 34:18 and know it’s truth. “…the Lord is near to the broken hearted.” Some day I’ll get to be united with my children waiting for me in glory, but until then the Lord will be my rock, my shield, my comfort, my strength and my deliverer. I’m so thankful that my Maker is my Creator, my Owner, my Redeemer, my Help, the Lifter of my Head… My help comes from the Lord! (Ps 121:1-2) I’m so thankful that my child, who never saw life outside of my womb, will never know heartache, pain, sorrow, remorse, regret, fear, hate, betrayal, anger… He only knows joy and peace. He is singing songs of praise to his Maker for all the days of his life and some day, I’ll join him.

Today, I will praise the Lord – giver of Life—for granting me the joy of motherhood and pulling me out of my miry clay (Ps 40:2) and sorrow and renewing my soul with peace that only He can give. Amen.