It's just hard sometimes

In the past four days, I've had 3 different people ask me in some form or fashion "When is Matthew going to have a brother or a sister?" or "When are you all going to start trying for the sibling?"

I think this conversation is the hardest lately. Yesterday my answer was pretty point blank and maybe too harsh. When asked when we think we'd like another one, I simply said "Well, we lost one. We'd like to have another one hopefully though" and the response was a taken back "oh you will." The person I was talking with I hadn't seen in a long while and it wasn't fair of me to just spit that out at her. But dang it! I just wanted to get back in my car and go home after that. I didn't want to stay and visit and small talk after that. I know she felt bad, I felt bad for how I responded so shortly. She was nice to change the subject but still... how could she have known? right? well, why do people have to ask questions like that? I think of the times I've asked similar questions of people in the past and my heart hurts to think I may have hurt friends and never knew it. Never knew their stories or their struggles...

There seems to be a couple ways to handle this conversation.
1. Ignore the truth and try to answer the question, pretending as if your heart isn't hurting and breaking into a thousand pieces as you think of what could have been.
2. Be blunt and truthful.
3. Sugar coat the truth or skirt around it.

A while back-- unrelated-- I was told something about speaking the truth. It was actually in a sermon. It was about gossiping, but I think the message applies regardless of the truth or the how-- these three questions were posed as something to think about before answering a question or before uttering truths. 1. is it necessary? 2. is it nice? 3. is it the truth? Those questions sometimes make me pause and really consider what I have to say at times. It CAN be the truth but is it needed or nice? ... anyhow I've begun to reexamine those thoughts in regards to how to answer the question of a sibling to those who don't know the history of the past couple months. 1. is it the truth? well-- yes. 2. is it needed? well, depends. 3. is it nice? well, not really. But do you want to omit the truth everywhere you go? Should you just pretend to those who don't know that your heart is longing to hold a child you never knew? What's the "right" thing to say? I don't know really where this rambling moment is going except it's on my mind so much. The issue was brought up again this morning and I just am so sick of feeling guilty about it. Do I answer? don't I answer? should I answer? should I not answer? does this person CARE to know the truth? would it be better if I pretended this time? Would it be safer if I just said the impersonal "oh we'd like another one some day?" but WHEN is someday? How will we ever know when we'll have a sibling for our child? Will we? How can I possibly answer this question that I seem to be faced with around every corner?

At this point I jump back and forth day to day if I'd be willing to put myself in the trial of the unknown again. Talk about faith? It's so hard to think about-- Giving up complete control and letting God hold you. It's something I'd never thought I'd do before. But maybe that's exactly the point. God wants ALL of us. Not just our X or our X or our X. He wants it all. Maybe I was blessed the first time around because I was naive, I was naive to think "that" couldn't or wouldn't happen to me. I had friends who talked about me telling people so early-- and my response was always "how can people pray if they don't know?" so waiting to tell of the second positive line we saw wasn't an issue. Again I was asked "oh my it's so early, how can you tell people yet?" and again I answered "how can people pray if they don't know?" only this time I don't know if I was really praying-- until it was too late. I wonder how people can tell so early, and then I wonder how can you not tell? How can you keep that joy and that fear to yourself? The Lord doesn't want that of us. He wants us to give HIM up our worries and our fears AND our joys. He wants it all. A friend this sunday quoted a verse out loud, "Come and lay down your burdens all who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Oh, how I want rest. I want peace. I want to know that the Lord, my God is in charge and in control of all aspects of my life. I want to know that "things will be okay" or "we will have another one" or "it will all work out" but it's so hard. It's just so hard sometimes.

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Right now I've been so focused on ME and on the WEIGHT issues and on STAYING IN CONTROL that I don't think I've been giving anything up. I've been clinging to it all. I've been harboring my trust and my fears and my sorrows and my weight successes.

No more. I give it up. I give it all up. I am ONLY strong through Christ. And in Him I can do all things. I have to be reminding myself that daily. I may not know how to answer the questions that seem to fly at me right now, but I do know that MY GOD is in charge and in control and He is my rock and fortress. In Him I run and hide. In Him I can find peace.

Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"