WW On hold...!

Well, I hit my 70 pound marker with no room to spare. That's for sure. My 8 week challenge is going to have to stop there. The next three weeks the challenge will just have to be to not gain the 4.6 back! HA.

Okay so I was real hesitant sharing this yesterday and didn't... because I didn't want to get my hopes up too high just yet... but, WE'RE PREGNANT AGAIN! I took a test Sunday morning and it was a faint yes.... I called in the doc and they saw me yesterday morning. I needed to have a blood count drawn. I waited today to see what my beta count was going to be. Then (as the instructions were as of yesterday) either at the end of the week or towards the beginning of next week I'll redo the count to make sure the numbers are doubling-- if they are there to stick. Pending on where the numbers were, my NP (nurse practitioner) said we'd do an ultrasound as soon as she thinks the numbers are high enough to see anything. So it has to be at least 2,000-4,000 before they consider it "high enough" to see anything...

One thing about it is there is no way to know how far along I'd be ... 2 weeks or 6... ha. because I still haven't had a cycle since the m/c, I only tested Sunday just to "see" but I was totally expecting a 'no' and was really shocked with the yes line. It was so faint though. And since the last one was also so faint, I just didn't have it in me be super excited yet. ...

SO!...

Just before 1:00 this afternoon, the NP called me and said that my numbers were good and we'd go ahead and schedule an ultrasound, that we probably didn't need to do a recount.
I asked her "what was 'good?' Could I please know, what was the number?"
And she said. "It's a lot higher than I would have thought... it's over 27,000."
I said "what?! not 2700? 27,000???"
She said, "Yes, 27,055 to be exact"
Me: "27,055? Really?!" *starting to laugh and tear up all at the same time*
Her: "Yup. So that's really good. I wanna get you in for an ultra sound soon so we can try to figure out how far along you are..."

OH MY GOODNESS!

She also told me my progesterone which is 29.5 and she said that was really good. I still don't exactly know what that does or means, but someone told me today that it helps "keep" you pregnant. I could just do cartwheels... I'm so excited.

So, while I don't want to get my hopes up tooooo high. You can probably tell, they are already pretty stinkin' in the ceiling! My ultrasound is scheduled for Monday morning, we couldn't make it workout before the weekend. So it will be a LONG several days until then. But I am so unbelievably on cloud 9 right now.

This is the song that's been in my head all day:

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fear is gone. Because I know, He holds the future, and life is worth the living, just because He lives!

My mindset has always always been this:

You can't pray if you don't know to do so.
So, I'll ask please for your prayers. It's been two months to the date of our miscarriage. God's timing is amazing. His perfect timing I'll never know reasons for, but will always be amazed of. Please pray this baby grows and sticks and stays. Please pray this baby is healthy and strong. Please pray for my emotional state to handle any and all changes. Please pray for Monday's ultrasound that we will see a strong steady heartbeat. Thank you so much.

Phil 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice!

Play day fun

Okay, is this kid cute or what?! How 'bout all three of these kiddos?! Matthew had two pals over yesterday and they all had a blast in the backyard. Ayden is his best friend from church and Ethan is our newest friend! Here are a couple shots from the day. My favorite one is the three of the boys with their backs to the camera, marching off into the "woods" -- Jamie says it looks like a mini Lord of the Rings hobbit adventure. haha! Enjoy.

Ethan, Matthew, Ayden

Ayden, Ethan, Matthew

GPC for me?

"Well it's back, back, back to school..."

For those that don't know, I dropped out of college before our wedding, intending to return in the spring of the next year. However, Jamie was offered a job millions of miles from home and we relocated. And I didn't seek out a school to finish once we did move...

So, today was a spent trying to collect as much information as I needed before making a decision to apply for Georgia Perimeter College. http://www.gpc.edu/ (Yup, the same school Kimby, my sister-in-law, is currently attending). I spoke with an adviser today and she was very helpful in answering my questions and confirming my desire to do this... I'd always considered GPC as an option for me in the distant future. They have a Sign Language Program and it's close enough to us that it could have been a "down the road" option for me going back to school.
Several things have stacked up to make this down the road happen now perhaps...
1. A friend of mine from church is currently in the program. She's been a great source of encouragement and information as I sought to find out "if it was for me"
2. Since our move this past September, I'm we've closer to campus now by far!
3. It seems around every corner there is someone asking me "what I'm going to be doing" with my life, or now that Matthew's older or where am I working...
4. I'm not content doing jobs just to get by anymore. I'm tired of working meaningless jobs. I want to have something I can count on. Something that though may take a long time to achieve, in the long haul it would be the best outcome financially when work was available. Serving food or selling candles isn't going to cut it for me.
5. In the past several months, I've been put in situations where signing has been helpful and received warmly. It's moments like those that make me know this is my calling.
6. Why not??! -- will we ever be "ready?" There is help out there. And, I can take it one class at a time, a semester at a time until I get there. Right? Right... well, almost right...

While talking to the adviser today, I realized that actually if I want to be Nationally Certified to Interpret (which I DO) then that has to happen before 2012. Here's the game plan: I will hopefully start classes in the fall to complete my pre-requisite program, take and assessment test on my current Sign Language skills and hopefully begin their Sign Language program. If I can get through the program and then tested and accepted by the National Certification by 2012 that will be wonderful. If I can't, we'll be in trouble as instead of just an associate degree, the Nationally recognized certification will then require a BS--which I wont have... So, we'll see what I can do between then and now. The adviser said if I did start in the fall, I SHOULD make it in time. (No more fooling around-- this is IT!) Jamie printed me out an application for me to fill out tonight, which I did after dinner, along with the requests for my transcripts from the previous schooling. I've also spent near over an hour online and on the phone filling out my FAFSA. Shoo! It's on!

Before I close, I will ask for prayers~ Please be in prayer with us if this is truly what God would have for my life-- really for our lives. Also please pray for any scholarship/financial aid that's out there to come our way! Please pray that we can work out all class/scheduling for what's best for Matthew as that may come our way. I covet these prayers. Thank you. I'll continue to update this as things progress!

weekend recap

Mmmmm ball game food. The smell of hotdogs grilling and the sound of people crunching open peanuts is so enticing. It's hard to stay strong and good in a place that smells like temptation. But I think I made fairly good choices. Friday night and Saturday we went to the ball field to support Kimby playing on GPC's new million(s) dollar state of the art ball field. It was pretty nice for sure. And she pitched crazy good from what we saw. They are heading off to State Champion ships this coming weekend. Anyhow, I was OP all three weekend days but I do have to say my flex points have been USED ! I have 3 left to get me to Friday. SO I'll have to really be aware of what's going in. And I'll have to up the activity this week if I need extra points. Here's a few fun pictures for you from the ball games. Matthew ready for the game and then after the game, playing with his Papa.

A verse given

Jamie's cousin Marsha gave me this verse:

Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to HIS purpose.

In this verse there is a foot note leading to 2nd Tim 1:9 which says: who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began.


We are called to God's purpose, His plans, His own timing, His own path-- not our own. It's just so hard sometimes. But it's still good somehow-- as the Roman's verse says, and I've heard that before-- ALL THINGS work together for the good to those who love God... All things... but the rest of the passage is ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE. Not mine. Not Jamie's. Not Marsha's... even as she tells me of things I can't begin to fathom. No one's purpose but God's.


This past Friday was the day my great grandmother was born. April 11th. She would have been 102. She's been gone four years. I miss her so much. I loved her with all I had. I love her still. There have been times in the past four years that have been hard. I wanted to share them with her. When I was little I pretended to have my wedding at her house, so she'd "be there". I never doubted she wouldn't be. But she went home to Heaven the August before the October that I was married. I never suspected she'd never hold my children. And yet somehow, as I know God's grace continues to cover me, I hang to the thought that maybe-- just maybe, she's up there rocking my angel baby.
My mom sent me an email on her birthday, telling me that she knew Thelmy would be proud of me. That I'm a good mom to my son. It stirred something up I've been holding on to dearly. I hadn't told but two people about how I felt and how I thought and I don't know why I'm writing this for the world to see. but here I am.


"Dear Lord Jesus, Please tonight hold my sleeping babe in the room next to me. And hold my angel babe in the Heavens above. Let me find your peace. I ask for the Grace you and only you can give. amen."


*I came back in to edit this post: Nic, Megan, Mom(s), Kris, Hilary and anyone else, I'm sorry if you needed a tissue. I know I need one now. Goodnight loves.*

It's just hard sometimes

In the past four days, I've had 3 different people ask me in some form or fashion "When is Matthew going to have a brother or a sister?" or "When are you all going to start trying for the sibling?"

I think this conversation is the hardest lately. Yesterday my answer was pretty point blank and maybe too harsh. When asked when we think we'd like another one, I simply said "Well, we lost one. We'd like to have another one hopefully though" and the response was a taken back "oh you will." The person I was talking with I hadn't seen in a long while and it wasn't fair of me to just spit that out at her. But dang it! I just wanted to get back in my car and go home after that. I didn't want to stay and visit and small talk after that. I know she felt bad, I felt bad for how I responded so shortly. She was nice to change the subject but still... how could she have known? right? well, why do people have to ask questions like that? I think of the times I've asked similar questions of people in the past and my heart hurts to think I may have hurt friends and never knew it. Never knew their stories or their struggles...

There seems to be a couple ways to handle this conversation.
1. Ignore the truth and try to answer the question, pretending as if your heart isn't hurting and breaking into a thousand pieces as you think of what could have been.
2. Be blunt and truthful.
3. Sugar coat the truth or skirt around it.

A while back-- unrelated-- I was told something about speaking the truth. It was actually in a sermon. It was about gossiping, but I think the message applies regardless of the truth or the how-- these three questions were posed as something to think about before answering a question or before uttering truths. 1. is it necessary? 2. is it nice? 3. is it the truth? Those questions sometimes make me pause and really consider what I have to say at times. It CAN be the truth but is it needed or nice? ... anyhow I've begun to reexamine those thoughts in regards to how to answer the question of a sibling to those who don't know the history of the past couple months. 1. is it the truth? well-- yes. 2. is it needed? well, depends. 3. is it nice? well, not really. But do you want to omit the truth everywhere you go? Should you just pretend to those who don't know that your heart is longing to hold a child you never knew? What's the "right" thing to say? I don't know really where this rambling moment is going except it's on my mind so much. The issue was brought up again this morning and I just am so sick of feeling guilty about it. Do I answer? don't I answer? should I answer? should I not answer? does this person CARE to know the truth? would it be better if I pretended this time? Would it be safer if I just said the impersonal "oh we'd like another one some day?" but WHEN is someday? How will we ever know when we'll have a sibling for our child? Will we? How can I possibly answer this question that I seem to be faced with around every corner?

At this point I jump back and forth day to day if I'd be willing to put myself in the trial of the unknown again. Talk about faith? It's so hard to think about-- Giving up complete control and letting God hold you. It's something I'd never thought I'd do before. But maybe that's exactly the point. God wants ALL of us. Not just our X or our X or our X. He wants it all. Maybe I was blessed the first time around because I was naive, I was naive to think "that" couldn't or wouldn't happen to me. I had friends who talked about me telling people so early-- and my response was always "how can people pray if they don't know?" so waiting to tell of the second positive line we saw wasn't an issue. Again I was asked "oh my it's so early, how can you tell people yet?" and again I answered "how can people pray if they don't know?" only this time I don't know if I was really praying-- until it was too late. I wonder how people can tell so early, and then I wonder how can you not tell? How can you keep that joy and that fear to yourself? The Lord doesn't want that of us. He wants us to give HIM up our worries and our fears AND our joys. He wants it all. A friend this sunday quoted a verse out loud, "Come and lay down your burdens all who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Oh, how I want rest. I want peace. I want to know that the Lord, my God is in charge and in control of all aspects of my life. I want to know that "things will be okay" or "we will have another one" or "it will all work out" but it's so hard. It's just so hard sometimes.

____

Right now I've been so focused on ME and on the WEIGHT issues and on STAYING IN CONTROL that I don't think I've been giving anything up. I've been clinging to it all. I've been harboring my trust and my fears and my sorrows and my weight successes.

No more. I give it up. I give it all up. I am ONLY strong through Christ. And in Him I can do all things. I have to be reminding myself that daily. I may not know how to answer the questions that seem to fly at me right now, but I do know that MY GOD is in charge and in control and He is my rock and fortress. In Him I run and hide. In Him I can find peace.

Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

steps check in

Here's Aprils steps so far since I kinda slacked on posting them...

1. 248
2. 352
3. none
4. 180
5. none
6. 48 (ha)
7. none
8. none
9. none
10. 304
11. none yet

so 1132 so far for the month. goal was 3600. so almost a 3rd down.

Weigh in tomorrow. We'll see what happens.
Today is 21 days strictly, honestly on plan though!

Yellow Paint

A friend of mine recently painted some of her new house-the kitchen specifically a yellow color. I thought how neat it looked in the pictures, and my little project bug was bitten. I'd painted our smallest room-- the laundry room a bright golden color to brighten it up and help it seem larger. I wondered what the yellow would look like in the hallway (Thanks Liz!) So this weekend I tackled painting our hallway a bright yellow-golden color using the same color from the laundry room. Jamie was out of town from Friday until today (Tuesday) and I was hoping I could get it all done in time for him to get home to it "fixed." Here's a little bit of what happens when you try to tape up the trim with a toddler "helping" you out. Mmm-hmm. Isn't that nice? One I should have taken a picture of was all the little pieces made their way over the whole socket cover. He saw I taped up the sides and then he helped me cover it completely with blue. In fact I had to peel some of that off before I started trimming so that I knew WHERE the socket was. LOL! Also (yes I'm Dori--the delay fish) I *thought* I had enough to do the whole hallway and I ran out. SO, when we went to home depot Saturday to get more of the same color, um, they don't have that color with that finish any more. Bah! So I got a new gallon and a new finish and repainted what I'd already painted so that no one can tell now. It took Friday night, Sat nap time and night, nothing Sunday, a little last night, and today's nap time to finish. No way you can paint for real with a munchkin running around, I just painted whenever he was down. Anyway here are the pictures of the process. I LOVE the new color. It is now bright and happy in there instead of just a dingy off white boring hallway.


In other Matthew news: he said "loove oo" tonight for the first time with a new twist. "loove oo, momma" !! I could have melted right there!

Thankfulness

I've had a hard day today, news I'm not sure how to take so...
So instead of throwing myself a pity party, I'm going to be thankful for what I do have.

My Jesus loves me and I will PRAISE His name!
I have a husband who loves me.
I have a sweet baby boy who is becoming a little man these days.
I have two healthy parents, one who's beaten cancer!
I have a sister who is wonderful.
I'm thankful for the roof over our heads that is OURS! (even if the bank still owns it for now haha)
I'm thankful for the crazy man next door, he comes in handy now and again.
I'm thankful for our church and our church family.
I'm thankful for the kids in my children's choir and how special each one is to me.
I'm thankful for my best friend Nic who loves me regardless of circumstances.
I'm thankful for my dear friend Megan who talks on the phone with me at length regardless of background noises! (ha)
I'm thankful for my nephews and hope to see them soon, they are growing up so fast.
I'm thankful for the new found (RE)dedication to getting this friggin weight off!
I'm thankful for all this and much more.

I found this note in the pages of my Bible today... "Don't let your faith weaken because HE doesn't deliver what you ask for. Wait patiently and let Him answer with His answer and not yours." It was dated 7/02. I don't know what was happening then but that sure spoke to me today. I've been told time and time again, ___ is in God's timing and not your own.

Psalms 30:12 "that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God. I will give thanks forever."

Even though I know all this and it is true... it doesn't make it easy. I think of the passage in Psalms 100 where it says "enter His gates with thanksgiving." It's so hard to not be grumbling instead however. It's hard to walk in faith and know that He is still in control and His plan is still great. BUT it is. And He is. It's very humbling to be reminded that I'm not. No matter how much I think I'm in control I'm just not.

More with the spoon

So this morning Matthew fed himself cereal. That was very entertaining to say the least. He kept scooping the cheerios out of the bowl and saying "oh nooo" !! He cracks me up with his 'oh no' it's so sweet sounding and so pitiful all at the same time.

Lunch was without a spoon involved-- it consisted of rice cakes and grapes and several "no mommas" at other offered foods.


Dinner was grapes which he NEEDED the spoon for, Mac and cheese which he enjoyed playing with for about ten minutes but never took a bite and then another yogurt. However, instead of my complete attention ON the yogurt, Mommy was having a conversation with Daddy; and Baby decided to eat some and play some. Here's more evidence for you to enjoy. :) I couldn't hardly believe the smearing on the table. And by the time I needed to scold him, he'd already gotten it all over and I was laughing too hard. Oh well !

my son, the Big Boy

Oh my word! So late last night I was posting about "awww, he's so smart with his talking..." NO! we're passing up talking Momma! For those of you who know my child, he doesn't eat (still) 'kay. For those of you who don't know Matthew at all or well... he doesn't eat... Ever. 'kay? Like I can count on less than both hands what he MIGHT eat in a day. If we're lucky: 3 bites of oatmeal, an attempt at yogurt, grapes, bananas, pears, cheerios by the pounds, sometimes fruitbars and rice cakes. That's it. Oh, and bacon. IF it's crispy enough, if not it gets spit out. No chicken nuggets, no cheese, no bread, no veggies of any kind, just grains and fruit.

But anyhow, so seriously the last three days I've felt like I was losing a losing battle with him because he was giving up the yogurt. Today at lunch I was nearly crying, thinking WHAT am I going to be able to feed you. And then! It dawned on me. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe my little baby wants to be a BiG BoY and FEED himself! Soooo, tonight I gave him a spoon and the yogurt and kept asking him to take a bite. At first he was more interested in the fact that he had a spoon and was allowed to hold it himself. But then slowly, he was putting the yogurt on the spoon-- sometimes with the help of his free hand, and eventually into, and all over, his mouth! He ate almost all of the yogurt. Minus what was smeared into his hands, pants and table, and poured into the measuring cup he had to bring with him to the table, but who cares?! I'm so proud of him. He *ate* dinner! Here's some evidence for you to laugh at. First bite, mm finger, & switch hitter.

Growing up

My baby is growing up. He's getting to the point where he really tries to repeat most everything that is said if you ask him to say ___, he attempts it. Sometimes the words sound remarkably close and other times they are FAR from them but still very fun all the same. Here are some recent attempts: Grandma = Doba, Grammy = Dobie, Fork= uhuck, the number five is still 'yesh' and the word fish is still a horrible noise in his throat, Mickey (as in Mickey Mouse) is still Bigggy! and 'ah dat' in any other language might be jibberish but to Matthew it clearly says "What's that?!", his name: Matthew is currently 'Ah-dew', Azerolo sounds like "ahlolololow" and Hobbs is just "up" LOL!

He can say and identify around 20 letters, 6 numbers (not in order), about four colors (and get the color right with what he's holding), can tell you what the following animal noises make: sheep (the best one he does), rooster, lion (sometimes), duck (complete with hand motions), cow, dog, monkey, and probably one or two more I'm forgetting. He's so smart! I love watching him learn.