Yesterday I had another appt with my midwife, K. I love her. Oh how I love her. Love love love her. She's so wonderful and warm and understands my fears and concerns. She lost her own tiny miracle last year. She knows the pain I have felt in the past. We grieved together. She is more than ready to say "Call my cell, girl! You have a personal midwife, that's what I'm for!" any time I'm anxious, concerned, worried, whatever! She's so wonderful. It's no reason I followed her from my old practice to where she is currently. I don't mind the drive. The time I spend in the car on the way to the appointments, I listen to Phil Cross. I play his songs over and over. I go into my appointments with peace of mind, understanding that anything could happen. That I'm not garenteed anything. That God is a great and mighty and loving God and that ultimately He. does. not. owe. me. one. thing. Oh how I play that song. I'm glad for the time alone and I can just saturate myself with that thought. You do not owe me one thing, Father. This song has done such a marvelous thing for my thought life... ANYHOW!!
Yesterday, after listening and preparing my heart for any outcome, I walked into my appointment feeling a little anxious. What met me though, on that ultrasound screen was nothing short of God's glory. K was overjoyed and just as excited as I was while I saw our sweet miracle baby turn in a full circle, wiggling around. S/he raised a closed fist high above the head in a stretch and stuck both feet out, showing me all the toes. I felt such a peace as I sat there watching my child dance inside me on that screen. A screen where I have seen and felt emptiness and heartache, yesterday showed me hope and joy and peace and glory and God in a way I needed. I know that there still isn't a promise that I'll hold this child on this earth. And I have to live knowing that. But I feel as though I got a huge gift yesterday. This window, this glimpse in the womb, to see this miracle. It was as if God said, "here child. I'm here. This baby is fine. Stop you're fretting now."
So. I made my phone calls to the appropriate people and began again singing to God how He doesn't owe me one thing, but how grateful I am for each moment with my children (all of them) he has given me and continues to give me.
Next appt is in 3.5 weeks (the longest between them so far) after we get back from a week to the beach!
Where the voices get to come out of my head and ramble elsewhere...
1 comment:
I did not know that you are expecting. How amazing!! I know how you feel. It's a very scary road, but with your faith you will traverse it with help from your Creator. Much love to you Kate. I'm going to live through you vicariously for awhile. Sometimes I wish I could be brave enough to do it again.
Post a Comment