Hard

It's just hard sometimes. Life has us hurling forward. We live in a go go go, get it done society. Since we've been "on vacation" we have been going. One event to the next. Matthew waking up and asking "where are we going today?" "What's next?" and so on... Well this weekend has been non-stop action, and yet all the while, I wanted to put the brakes on. Packing up my sister's car, loading her up for the trip she's venturing on was so hard.

Let me rewind... Friday morning, my mom and I drove the boys to the lake. We got up at 4:30 to get to the lake before it "got too crowded." And we had a blast. We played, we swam, we ate, we chalked, we skied, (well some of us did), we tubed, we rode the wave runner, we swam some more, it was awesome. But then all too fast, the fun ended. We went back to Kris and Brian's and started working. We cleaned and packed and organized and loaded and unloaded and duct taped and bungee corded her life into the trunk of her car and said our goodbyes.

The most precious part was when it was really time to leave, we stopped for ice cream. We went to one of the first places Kris had ever taken mom after moving to Mizzou, seven years ago. It was fitting, for it to be our last stop. Mark asleep in her arms, we sat around sharing ice cream, loving on Kris one more time. It was a somber walk back to the car yesterday afternoon, after the ice cream was gone and the boys were cranky and the drive back to STL needed to be completed. Mom and Kris cried. Kris and I cried. Brian comforted me while mom and Kris cried some more. Oh the depth of the pain in saying goodbye is so deep. It's only a year internship, but it's still so hard. She's going to be gone to a small town in Arizona, which instead of a few states away, seems like planets. It's the things that you don't say out loud that you are thinking the most... like how much these boys are going to change in a year's time. and how precious she is to them, and how much she doesn't know that they love her. How Matthew asks about her even when it's been lengthy since we saw her last between visits. ... how much of a blessing the technology of Skype is. (though that one was said out loud). ... Sigh. It's just so hard.

Being away from my husband during all this has just amplified how hard it is. How much I love him. How much I miss him. How much it is so hard to be away from those who love you. I feel like part of me is really missing, lacking, without him here. I love you, Jamie. I'm so blessed to be given this special time with my parents, with Kris, with other loved ones. I'm so blessed to have a husband who understands my need for my family. I'm so thankful for his willingness to be without me near a month. I know I'm blessed.

It is hard all the same.

I love you Kris. I love you. Be safe this year. We are missing you. Come back to us in one piece! Go to church, make new friends, stay strong, lean on Jesus to hold you when you're alone. He's here.

Goodnight neverland.

The Arch

There are few man made things, in my opinion, that are as AWESOME as the Gateway to the West, the ARCH, in downtown St. Louis, Missouri! If you've never been. Plan a trip now. It is so awesome, so big, so beautiful. It's especially beautiful at night, if I remember correctly, with the lights shining on it and the river below.... I remember one 4th of July I went there to see the fireworks, amazing. Anyhow, we went today: 3 adults, 4 kids to see the massive structure. The bigger k ids seemed to really enjoy it. I think Matthew really comprehended that we were up in the arch and were so so tall up in the sky. He liked seeing where the Cardinals play baseball and he liked looking at the river and the cars and the people way down on the ground. It was fun. We had another day of adventuring with Nic's family and then we sent them on their way back home. We'll see them next week for a few days before we head back south!

Just a few

We've of course been taking a million pictures and I wanted to share just a couple of the best of the best that I uploaded this morning. I will do a long picture post when I get back but here's a little something to tide you over. These are from yesterday at Krystle's second shower! What fun we had, and she was showered with gifts and love!

Kris and Kate

Nic and Kate


This was taken this morning!

Matthew and Mark on the black and white keys!

Today we were joined by Nic's family and took the kids to City Park where we played in the fountains. I can not wait to upload the pictures we took this afternoon. It was such a beautiful day. It was a gorgeous view of the city and we had a blast!

I will carry you

A friend of mine has given me the link to her husband's cousin's blog. M is going through a trial no mother should. She knows that her baby has a problem and the doctors do not think that her baby will live much longer in the womb and they feel certain if she does carry this sweet baby to term, the baby will not live outside the womb. I have been praying for them since we first learned this news several weeks back. It breaks my heart for them. With both my losses, I didn't know until it was too late. I didn't carry my baby after knowledge like this. I didn't bear this burden on my shoulders daily. I know that I'm on vacation and the postings should be light and filled with fun, but I read her blog today and just moved right over to my own to post this. Please pray for M and her baby and her family. She posted this song. I've not heard it yet but I plan to get the CD asap. I cried while reading these words. Get your kleenex out, if you're going to read along...


I Will Carry You from the CD Selah- You Deliver Me

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave, but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who's chosen me
To Carry YOU

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But i know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted sea
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One who's chosen me
To carry You

2 kids & 2 dogs

We didn't make it to the Transportation museum today be/c it was too rainy. We're hoping to still make it there but just not in the rain. We spent 4 hours at the Magic House instead and could have easily stayed way longer! SO fun! If you are EVER in the STL area with kids and time to kill, find the Magic House in Kirkwood. It's well worth the money. There is so much to see and do. I just loved it. I think Kris and I had as much fun as Mark and Matthew did. Opening smell boxes, feeling different textures, playing with balls, climbing in tunnels, jumping in the shadow room, sitting on musical chairs... LOVE IT.

Oh, back to the title of the post... when I got back from the Magic House, I was the only adult, as Kris and Brian had other plans ... I had two sleeping children to take in the house. And waiting for us, was Kris and Brian's two dogs... I pulled in the driveway and turned off the car and thought "how am I going to do this?" I needed to get the sleeping kids in and hopefully keep the dogs from barking in the process and let them out... Here's how, in case you ever find yourself in the situation: 1. Take the big sleeping kid in first, in case he wakes up, he'll understand why you go back out for the other one. Transfered him to the furthest away bedroom (my parents) and closed the door. 2. Go back out to the car for the second sleeping kid, take him down the stairs to the crib, thankfully, still sleeping. Close his door. Run back up the stairs. 3. Let out the little dog from behind the closed door. (THANK YOU KRIS FOR CLOSING THEM IN YOUR ROOM!) Then hurry and let out the big dog from the cage. Leash the little dog who tends to run, take both outside to potty. Yell at the big one for going in the street, grab the dirty cups from the car and get both animals back in. Shut the door. Breathe. WHEW! Both dogs were let out and both kids are still asleep for thei much needed naps! Yes. Success.

Do I want two dogs to do that regularly with?? NOPE! Two kids is enough for me for now. (though I will make a plug for my sister's dogs: They really are great ones)

family fun

It has been nice spending the time in STL this past week. It's crazy to think tomorrow will have been a week from when I was packing and loading our car to start our drive across 5 states. We've been really squeezing in the activities. Here's a very basic break down so far:
Thurs am arrived in STL early like 2am I think?
Thurs am 10ish, drove to Columbia
Thurs 3pm shower no. 1
Thurs 9pm party at piano bar
Fri Krystle's graduation at noon.
Fri after that family barbeque
Fri late sent the boys home with the folks and stayed to help Kris and Brian set up their garage sale, left Late.
Sat am lazy
Sat pm took Jamie to the airport
Sun church real early.
Sun after that shopped, got orgnaized
Mon played with Great Grams, chalked
Tues STL ZOO
Wed played with Great Grams, dinner out, (will be going to the movies in a few)

tomorrow is the National Transportation Museum followed by the Magic house
Friday is a possible Farm day and then more fun later in the day
Sat is CLEANING DAY
and Sun is shower no. 2
Whew!
Then three days with Nic and kids
Then a day with Megan
Then a day at the lake with Kris and Brian and Brian's family
THen... I donno.

Anyhow, that's what I'm up to. I'm worn out.

a proud sister

That's what I am lately. I'm just so proud of my sister. She's completed not only three years of undergraduate schooling but also now the next step, she earned her graduate degree. She is officially a Doctor of Veterinary Medicine. She can sign her name K M A, DVM! It's amazing! I'm so proud of her. She has done something that so few people actually do.... dream about something from childhood, pursue it and actually obtain it. For as long as I can remember she's wanted to be a veterinarian. She's always loved animals. We weren't allowed to have pets growing up, unless they fit in my dad's fish aquarium, but that didn't lessen her love for the four legged animal variety. At 12 she was given a beautiful horse. She and the horse already had a relationship and already owned each other. She'd been present at Sweetie's birth and helped wipe her off after birth during this special time called imprinting. The horse already thought she belonged to Kris anyhow. Since that day, through her love of animals and her devotion to her studies, she's only had one goal in mind... to become a veterinarian. It was so awesome, watching her walk across the stage Friday to get that diploma and to earn this great title. It was wonderful, sitting there with our family--we took up a whole row in the auditorium. My parents, my grams, our dear friend Peggy, Brian (her fiancee) and his parents, my family of four, Nic's family of four and a cousin's family of four. We were oh so proud. I'm so proud of her. I love you, Kris Kringle! ... I mean, um, Doctor!

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all who are mothers... either with children here on earth, or with those waiting for them in Heaven.

May 2007 marked my first time to celebrate Mother's Day as a mother. It was Grams chance to celebrate then 8 (now I think 12) great grandbabies being Grams to. (though not all call her Grams, it's a name just my sister and I have given her, and now Matthew calls her Great Grams). It was my mom's first chance to celebrate being a grandmother. She's called Grammy. Oh how she loves being a Grammy. Oh how she loves being a Grammy. I'm so thankful for these two women in my life. Today our Pastor did a marvelous job honoring Mothers with his message. And I am so grateful for the women in my life. ...I find myself also thinking about my sweet great-grandma, Thelmy. Oh how I loved her. Oh how I wished she could have seen my boys. And yet, I know that she is in Heaven, rocking the ones I couldn't hold.

May '07 Great Grams and Matthew

May '07 Grammy and Matthew (blowing kisses)

May '07 Momma and a very tired Matthew

May '08 Momma (just found out we were expecting Mark)
and Matthew (drinking his first ever juice box)

May '09 Our family. Mark was dedicated this day.

April '10 Easter (What a difference a year makes?!)


I'm so blessed and grateful for my boys.
I am so blessed to be their mother.
I am so blessed to be a mother.

Matthew and Momma Feb '10 (snow)

Mark and Momma April '10 (beach)


I'm also so very blessed to be the mother of two children already serving their Maker. It was so hard to get through the service today. Especially the song service. Pastor asked all who were mothers to stand. I stood and thought about my two children here and my two Heaven-bound children. I will wonder who they might have been. I will wonder what they might have done. But I'm not wondering where they are. In Psalms 22, David says in verse 10 that "From my mother's womb you have been my God." And I know that in good times and in hard times. And even when life seems unfair and hard and I don't understand why I didn't get to keep my two angel babies, that God is and was and will always be their God as well. In good times when we're having a great time and I'm surrounded by loved ones... I am so grateful for the life that He blessed my womb with, even for the short amounts of time. Those lives, those babies, were gifts from my Father.

Momma "resting" with her two boys, Mar '10

My sweet necklace, my memorial, for my angel babies, given Mar '10


* * *

While looking up the Ps 22 passage, I found myself wanting to turn to more verses about life. About life being created. About God's greatness. About God's majesty and beauty as our creator. How some people can deny a God and His existence is baffling. Today Pastor focused some time on Gen 2. How God had created everything and Adam had named everything and yet after it was all done, God said that it was not good for Adam to be alone. So He caused Adam to sleep and from Adam's bone, created him a helper. God didn't even create woman the same way He created man. He is so marvelous. How beautiful she must have been, that first woman. How beautiful it must have been to have felt life inside her.How beautiful it must have been to have had the first baby... After some digging, I found a site that collected many verses about life that I've copied and pasted here--some verses about life and God's beauty in creating life, and specifically, life in the womb.

Did not he who made me in the womb make them? Did not the same one form us both within our mothers? (Job 31:15).

Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you even at my mother's breast. From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother's womb you have been my God (Psalm 22:9-10).

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:13-16).

This is what the LORD says—he who made you, who formed you in the womb, and who will help you...(Isaiah 44:2).

Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth. Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you (Isaiah 46:3-4).

And now the LORD says—he who formed me in the womb to be his servant to bring Jacob back to him and gather Israel to himself, for I am honored in the eyes of the LORD and my God has been my strength (Isaiah 49:5).

The word of the LORD came to me, saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations" (Jeremiah 1:4-5).

When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. In a loud voice she exclaimed: "Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the child you will bear! As soon as the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy" (Luke 1:41-42, 44).

things I say... or hear...

Throughout a day, these are some of the things you might hear said at my house. Some of them make sense. Some of them get said, and I wonder WHY they had to be said.

"Don't put that in your hair!"

"Don't hit your brother"

"Why is there peanut butter all over your shirt?!"

"What happened to this cup? How did it spill?"

"Don't hit your brother!"

"Please be a nice friend!"

"Can't you be a nice brother!?"

"Why are you on the top of the couch!"

"Stop! He's hitting me!"

"Mooooooommy, I want to watch a movie!" (he already has one on)

"Cup! Cup! Cuuuuuup! oooo! Cup!" (this is Mark)

"Listen to me!"

"Please just listen to me!"

"He's not leaving me alone!"

"I had that"

"I wanted that first"

"I don't want to go potty, I already went." (sigh)

"Don't hit yourself in the head!"

"Why are you hitting yourself!?"

"Stop hitting your brother with the shoe!"

"No hitting!"

"Mommmmmy! Make him stop hitting me!"

"Why is there a cracker in this block?"

"I don't need any jammahs! I'm not going to bed!"

"Stop hitting your brother with a train!"

"Stop hitting your brother with the flashlight!"

"No hitting!"

"Stop hitting your brother with the chalk!"

"Stop hitting your brother with your cup!"

(Anyone see a theme?)



Here's a good little convo from today:
Matthew: Mommy I'm hungry.
Me: We are going to eat dinner when daddy comes home. You can have some fruit now or wait.
Him: I'm not hungry.
Me: Well fine, I'm sorry. We're still going to eat dinner when daddy comes home.
Him: I'm maybe just a little hungry. Can I have some candy?
Me: No. You can't have candy. You can have dinner, when daddy gets home.
Him: Can't I just have some candy now and dinner later.
Me: No. you can't.
Him: Is a banana candy?
Me: No... it's fruit. why?
Him: Can I just have that now and then candy dinner later?
Me: You can have a banana now, sure. But we're not eating candy for dinner.
Him: WHYYYYYYYYYY NOT?!!?!? YOU SAAAAAAAAAID LATER!
Me: (thinking: WHERE in all that did I say you can have candy for dinner later?!?!?!) Sigh!

Other Mothers

Remember those devotionals that I was receiving the Proverbs 31 emails sent daily... well... I have a confession to make. Each day, since our sad news in Feb, I've been archiving the emails, without reading them. Yesterday I was struck with some truth that my husband actually said during our Sunday School class time. He said "Think about something you were doing that you know is in the will of God, but you've stopped doing it... and see if you can ramp it back up again this week." Wow. I don't even know if he knew I stopped reading my daily devotions emails. I don't know if he knew he was speaking to me right then. But I heard the message, Lord. Thank you for using Jamie. I would like to go back and read those that I've stored, but for now, I started with today and read today's when it came through. The title "Other Mothers." Oh... sure. Let me get emotional right off the bat. Thanks. But what a thought provoking message. As women, Titus 2 teaches us to teach other women. That means that we'll have influence in other women's lives and we'll have other women influencing us... I do love my mom and blood-related grandmothers dearly. I'm so blessed to still have my Grams alive with me available for calling and asking household/cooking questions to glean from her, but I'm also so very grateful for the "other mothers" God has put in my life. Right now, just thinking off the top of my head, I can count around 5. Thank you. Each of you.