Life

No real reason to this post except to get some things out in my "online journal" of sorts. I could just use a notebook, but I wouldn't keep it up and I know it. I love this, even if no one ever reads it, I think I would keep this going because it's a place to log my life and my thoughts and go back and read them when need be. It's very therapeutic... Anyhow...

1. Cancer. Sucks.

*sigh* My dad is still not in the clear and it's terrifying. Yet, I think I've finally given it up. I think I've finally let go and placed my worry and my concern and my heartache up on the alter and am trying to let God deal with this, since I can't. Last weekend I knew we were waiting on 'final' test results to come back to see if the radiation had worked. Something was eating my middle apart Sunday morning and I could not be settled. After sitting through the whole sermon about giving... money, time, talents... CHEERFULLY... GRACIOUSLY... I knew I still hadn't given this up. I hadn't given God all that I was clinging on to with this situation. And I couldn't stay contained with the invitation was made at the end of the service. I basically threw Mark to an unsuspecting friend and dragged Jamie to the alter with me and just cried. I was trying to pray out loud and most times in the past, I'd squeeze Jamie's hand as silently asking him to pray on my behalf since I was crying and unable to do so, but Sunday.... I prayed. I prayed in between the sobs, one or two words at a time... asking God to be in control. Saying out loud that I WASN'T. That it isn't on my time table or the doctors. That I knew and was okay with knowing that GOD knows how many days my dad will live. It's not up to me. That if it's His will to take the cancer away or not, it's still not up to me to say when he can go on or how long he has to stay here on earth. I, Kate Hobbs, am NOT in charge. (That's a hard one to fully get out there)!...

And all that was BEFORE I'd heard the results...

Which came Tuesday night...

And they weren't good. But, (and even though, yes I was still crying about it) I had a peace. I somehow knew it wasn't going to be good. And I knew that at the same time, GOD IS STILL GOOD.

The PSA count went up after the radiation, not down. So the doc wanted to start chemo straight away to try to kill it off. ... Dad said no. He wants to be told WHERE the cancer is, and that doc wasn't able to tell him. So Thursday he met with a new doc who is issuing new tests and instead of chemo wants to start a hormone therapy. The numbers indicate cancer cells present, but if they aren't showing a mass or a tumor anywhere, then the new doc seems to think if we can just keep them from growing, increasing and spreading, with the hormone treatment, we'd be succeeding. Dad's doing more blood work today and more tests Monday and meeting with new doc again Wed.

ALL prayers for my dad will be coveted. Thank you.


2. "Alllll by myself.... don't wanna be... allllll by my---self!"

No more help. Nic, my BFF, left today. We had a great time while she was here. We stayed up WAY too late the first two nights and paid for it, but that's half the fun. ... She was the last on the list scheduled to come and help post baby. We've had coming and going helping extra hands since even before Mark's arrival. My sister is coming back at the end of Feb, but I have to get through 3.5 weeks on my own until then. I have two meals being brought to help out this week by friends and couldn't be more blessed with all the meals we've been given the past month! The elimination of responsibilities in the kitchen have been wonderful. But, after that it's back to reality. I'll be back to needing to cook dinner, handle the laundry again completely, keep up with the dishes and the trash and the toys... I'm hearing Titus chapter two in my head ... "be busy in the home"... I want to be asleep in the home and have someone else be busy for me! ACK! No seriously though, it will be good to take back some of those jobs and show my husband (and myself) that I can be a mom of two and (hopefully!!!) a good wife and helpmeet as well. ... Though if my mother in law wanted to come back for a couple days here or there, that would be great by me!

3. Contentment.

Mark is such a content baby. He had his one month appointment yesterday (He's gained two whole pounds in two weeks!) and the doc is just so pleased with him. Doc said Mark might become cranky or more fussy around 5-6 weeks, not to worry if he did. That it was just a normal "awakening" time and growing for babies. So we'll see how the next couple of weeks play out. I'm hoping that Mark will breeze on past this "growing" time without a hitch. ...Sometimes I look at him and just wonder. Why can't we all stay this content? Why does the worrying and stress and fear and doubt and heartache have to creep into our once very content lives?...

4. Weight...

Ugh. The nasty dreaded thoughts... I know people have been wondering about that... So far I'm down 24 pounds since delivering! Whew. (I weighed at Mark's doc office after he had his first check up and at a friend's house Thursday night since we don't have a scale anymore...funny to think about "where I can get my next scale 'fix'!")

No, I'm not trying to do anything, I'm not counting yet or keeping track in any way. I'm not exercising on any regular basis (though last night's DDR fest was fun!). I'm not ready to start thinking about that full throttle just yet. I go back for my PPD appointment on Tuesday and I'll let my midwife tell me her thoughts on getting all that going once more.

Anyhow... I guess that's all the heavy stuff for now.