Funny, I came on the computer to vent my anger out into the world. I was going to use my blog as a pounding board for the crap cancer is causing my life.... and then I check my email first, and I find a dear friend of mine emailing me advice on miscarriages. Oy. Life is funny sometimes, huh? God knew how much I was hurting right then, and how much I just wanted to yell... and instead, He gave me someone to minister to and to use my energy elsewhere. And I did. And I hope I was helpful. And while I'm still mad... I have no reason to be all dramatic with the "how" mad or upset. It can't change the facts. So here they are...
my dad still has cancer.
lots of it.
the radiation last year didn't show any improvement with the scans recently done. the PSA levels went up, we knew that already.
what my folks found out yesterday (and I was told tonight) is that it's spread.
the bone scan showed there are 3 spots in the vertebrate (numbers 7, 9, and 11) (so more towards the bum than the neck). it also showed 2 spots that they couldn't identify as cancer (and will continue to watch/retest). though it's in the bones, it isn't bone cancer. Mom said it was the prostrate cancer spread into the bones.
besides the spots in the vertebrate, there were spots around the esophagus that they are also uncertain if they are cancerous or not. the lymph nodes are enlarged and they'll continue to watch these to see if they continue to grow and do biopsies on these if needed.
he'll start two forms of treatment Feb 12th.
the doctor has said this isn't curable. Manageable but not curable.
New scans will be in June.
Please join me in prayer.
Where the voices get to come out of my head and ramble elsewhere...
Thursday, January 29, 2009
25 things, twice
So on Facebook this "post 25 random things about yourself" thing was going around... I told Nic I was having trouble thinking of "good ones"... After several Edit and saves I finally finished my 25, and in the mean time so did she... So here's what WE came up with. First me then her... It's nuts how many overlap and she found it silly that I ommitted music completely when I was making my list. Oh well ! OOoops!
1. I'm not a dog person. I love my cat... but I am so not a dog person. I'm okay around them but the thought of owning one makes me silly. (and Jamie wants one of course)
2. I used to lie to people and say I was allergic to mushrooms jsut to avoid any chance of ever eating them. I still can not stand the smell of them and wont eat them, but I do cook them for Jamie in certain dishes. I'm now a big girl and can handle saying "no thanks"
3. I would really have 6-10 kids if my husband would let me. ...Having had now a "normal" birth and a previous C-section, I can say I'd honestly not desire to HAVE the kids.... but I'd "HAVE" them all the same, if that makes sense.
4. Likelihood of #3 even ever happening is so far from reality. I'm not sure we're done, but for NOW Jamie's done.
5. If we could have groceries delivered, I'd never leave the house but to go to church. (Laura I'm like you in that regard!!!)
6. I grow my hair out to send to locks of love whenever it's long enough to do so-- and I cut it off myself.
7. I have so many food issues it's nuts. My own parents can't keep them all straight... some examples are: 1. most foods shouldn't ever touch, ever. 2. hot and cold foods deserve their own plates 3.dessert should be eaten with a new utensil and on it's own plate 4. I actually cringe when Jamie does neither of #3. 5. I can only eat with the small forks. Don't know why. ...I'll stop there, don't want to give them all away.
8. It takes me about ten minutes to assemble my plate from Zaxby's. (or Chinese food, or most places, but Zaxby's came to mind first)
9. pumpkin pie should be covered in whip cream or it's really not worth the trouble.
10. I could live off pasta and cheese
11. oh, and cereal. I fully believe cereal should be it's own food group and we're allowed unlimited quantities daily.
12. i met both my best friends (husband and best girl friend) on the world wide web.
13. i actually flew across the country to meet my future husband face to face--- didn't tell my dad until I was practically boarding the plane. my roommates thought I was coming back in a body back. Thankfully Jamie didn't turn out to be a crazy internet meeting girls murderer.
14. the most terrifying day of my life was AFTER i'd flown to meet him (and fell for him for real) was driving the 1.5 hours to meet his parents and go to church with them.
15. my great-grandmother was the most amazing person in my life and i can still smell her perfume if i close my eyes and think really hard about it even though she's been gone now 5 years. I can still hear her voice when someone says something the way she would say it.
16. I watch Family Feud because of her. (and matthew enjoys shouting "ONE X" "TWO X" when the players get the answers wrong. I think she would have loved it)
17. I hated that she wasn't able to be at my wedding. She always always told me she'd watch me walk the aisle. She died 2 months before it. I still cry thinking I was so close to having her see me as a bride.
18. I think that the school systems should pull every girl aside in high school and ACTUALLY prep them for things they'll need to know instead of things they have ZERO use for.
19. I firmly believe that ABSTINENCE should be taught, not (just) "safe sex"
20. I also believe that BILLBOARDS should be PLASTERED with facts about miscarriages. ONE in FOUR, girls. ONE in FOUR of ALL pregnancies end in miscarriage. I had no idea. No one tells you things like that until you are going through it and you're one of the one in four.
21. I am a successful VBAC (Vag birth after C-section) patient and I'm SO freaking proud of it! I labored 10 hours without drugs with my second before finally giving in to the epidural and by golly 9 more hours later I pushed his 8 pound self out! No more cutting me open!
22. THIS is my favorite number. It used to be my softball number back in the day. ...
23. Speaking of numbers I hate odd ones. I was married on 10-2-04 for a very carefully planned reason, though we'd wanted to get married on 10-22 of the following year, I hated that it would be 05 (please note this was NOT the reason we changed our marriage date up a full year, but it worked out nicely for my psychotic brain) and in 04 the 22 was a friday (too many out of towners for a friday wedding) ... so 10-2-04 thank you.
24. I have two sons. TWO. TWO BOYS. do you believe it?! I may never get to braid hair or paint finger nails.
25. spiders. I hate spiders. hate. spiders.
... this was so hard. It took several "save" and come back laters.
**************************
Kate...
1. loves to sing and can make most any event musical if given the chance
2. met her husband online
3. can carry on entire conversations in sign language
4. aspires to have a huge family and is one of the few people I know that could actually pull it off successfully
5. gave her whole heart to Jesus many years ago and never looked back
6. was a vegetarian for many years of her life
7. even as a vegetarian, NOT a fan of most veggies
8. can eat entire meals that are just carbs and cheese
9. is emotionally-driven -- when she's angry, she is on fire; but when she loves, she loves so passionately that the object of her love can feel it and never doubt it (even when the anger flares up)
10. loves all things purple
11. also loves unicorns
12. she can't bear to live in a place and not make it "her own" --- she's done more decorating in her house than I've done in mine, even though I've lived in mine nearly 2x as long
13. met her best friend online too
14. has performed professionally MANY times and been a part of many choirs
15. wrote the lyrics and music for a Christmas song -- and has written the music to accompany lyrics written by several of her close friends
16. petrified of spiders
17. is a weight loss machine and lost over 100 pounds between having her first son and getting pregnant with her second
18. has zero sense of direction and could probably get lost trying to find her way out of a box
19. is the best listener --- she can't help but reach out to anyone and everyone that she senses is in pain, so that she can listen to them and try to help them lift their problems in prayer and give them to god
20. rarely uses recipes, yet manages to put together the most yummalicious meals out of ordinary ingredients
21. loves to travel, has been overseas several times and longs to go again
22. life's dream is to perform on broadway...
23. life's other dream (people can have more than 1) is to become a certified sign language interpreter and use her hands to communicate with and help others
24. has waited tables at Outback Steakhouse in 3 different cities
25. has 1 biological sister and 1 of-the-heart sister, as well as 1 of-the-heart brother and a huge extended family of friends.
1. I'm not a dog person. I love my cat... but I am so not a dog person. I'm okay around them but the thought of owning one makes me silly. (and Jamie wants one of course)
2. I used to lie to people and say I was allergic to mushrooms jsut to avoid any chance of ever eating them. I still can not stand the smell of them and wont eat them, but I do cook them for Jamie in certain dishes. I'm now a big girl and can handle saying "no thanks"
3. I would really have 6-10 kids if my husband would let me. ...Having had now a "normal" birth and a previous C-section, I can say I'd honestly not desire to HAVE the kids.... but I'd "HAVE" them all the same, if that makes sense.
4. Likelihood of #3 even ever happening is so far from reality. I'm not sure we're done, but for NOW Jamie's done.
5. If we could have groceries delivered, I'd never leave the house but to go to church. (Laura I'm like you in that regard!!!)
6. I grow my hair out to send to locks of love whenever it's long enough to do so-- and I cut it off myself.
7. I have so many food issues it's nuts. My own parents can't keep them all straight... some examples are: 1. most foods shouldn't ever touch, ever. 2. hot and cold foods deserve their own plates 3.dessert should be eaten with a new utensil and on it's own plate 4. I actually cringe when Jamie does neither of #3. 5. I can only eat with the small forks. Don't know why. ...I'll stop there, don't want to give them all away.
8. It takes me about ten minutes to assemble my plate from Zaxby's. (or Chinese food, or most places, but Zaxby's came to mind first)
9. pumpkin pie should be covered in whip cream or it's really not worth the trouble.
10. I could live off pasta and cheese
11. oh, and cereal. I fully believe cereal should be it's own food group and we're allowed unlimited quantities daily.
12. i met both my best friends (husband and best girl friend) on the world wide web.
13. i actually flew across the country to meet my future husband face to face--- didn't tell my dad until I was practically boarding the plane. my roommates thought I was coming back in a body back. Thankfully Jamie didn't turn out to be a crazy internet meeting girls murderer.
14. the most terrifying day of my life was AFTER i'd flown to meet him (and fell for him for real) was driving the 1.5 hours to meet his parents and go to church with them.
15. my great-grandmother was the most amazing person in my life and i can still smell her perfume if i close my eyes and think really hard about it even though she's been gone now 5 years. I can still hear her voice when someone says something the way she would say it.
16. I watch Family Feud because of her. (and matthew enjoys shouting "ONE X" "TWO X" when the players get the answers wrong. I think she would have loved it)
17. I hated that she wasn't able to be at my wedding. She always always told me she'd watch me walk the aisle. She died 2 months before it. I still cry thinking I was so close to having her see me as a bride.
18. I think that the school systems should pull every girl aside in high school and ACTUALLY prep them for things they'll need to know instead of things they have ZERO use for.
19. I firmly believe that ABSTINENCE should be taught, not (just) "safe sex"
20. I also believe that BILLBOARDS should be PLASTERED with facts about miscarriages. ONE in FOUR, girls. ONE in FOUR of ALL pregnancies end in miscarriage. I had no idea. No one tells you things like that until you are going through it and you're one of the one in four.
21. I am a successful VBAC (Vag birth after C-section) patient and I'm SO freaking proud of it! I labored 10 hours without drugs with my second before finally giving in to the epidural and by golly 9 more hours later I pushed his 8 pound self out! No more cutting me open!
22. THIS is my favorite number. It used to be my softball number back in the day. ...
23. Speaking of numbers I hate odd ones. I was married on 10-2-04 for a very carefully planned reason, though we'd wanted to get married on 10-22 of the following year, I hated that it would be 05 (please note this was NOT the reason we changed our marriage date up a full year, but it worked out nicely for my psychotic brain) and in 04 the 22 was a friday (too many out of towners for a friday wedding) ... so 10-2-04 thank you.
24. I have two sons. TWO. TWO BOYS. do you believe it?! I may never get to braid hair or paint finger nails.
25. spiders. I hate spiders. hate. spiders.
... this was so hard. It took several "save" and come back laters.
**************************
Kate...
1. loves to sing and can make most any event musical if given the chance
2. met her husband online
3. can carry on entire conversations in sign language
4. aspires to have a huge family and is one of the few people I know that could actually pull it off successfully
5. gave her whole heart to Jesus many years ago and never looked back
6. was a vegetarian for many years of her life
7. even as a vegetarian, NOT a fan of most veggies
8. can eat entire meals that are just carbs and cheese
9. is emotionally-driven -- when she's angry, she is on fire; but when she loves, she loves so passionately that the object of her love can feel it and never doubt it (even when the anger flares up)
10. loves all things purple
11. also loves unicorns
12. she can't bear to live in a place and not make it "her own" --- she's done more decorating in her house than I've done in mine, even though I've lived in mine nearly 2x as long
13. met her best friend online too
14. has performed professionally MANY times and been a part of many choirs
15. wrote the lyrics and music for a Christmas song -- and has written the music to accompany lyrics written by several of her close friends
16. petrified of spiders
17. is a weight loss machine and lost over 100 pounds between having her first son and getting pregnant with her second
18. has zero sense of direction and could probably get lost trying to find her way out of a box
19. is the best listener --- she can't help but reach out to anyone and everyone that she senses is in pain, so that she can listen to them and try to help them lift their problems in prayer and give them to god
20. rarely uses recipes, yet manages to put together the most yummalicious meals out of ordinary ingredients
21. loves to travel, has been overseas several times and longs to go again
22. life's dream is to perform on broadway...
23. life's other dream (people can have more than 1) is to become a certified sign language interpreter and use her hands to communicate with and help others
24. has waited tables at Outback Steakhouse in 3 different cities
25. has 1 biological sister and 1 of-the-heart sister, as well as 1 of-the-heart brother and a huge extended family of friends.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Loss continued...
So I think I know the real reason I've been thinking about loss lately... though I didn't want to admit it. Feb is around the corner... At the end of Feb it will be a year since I lost a baby growing inside me. It's so hard to think about. It doesn't ever go away. The wonder of who that little person would have been. I look at Mark and I wouldn't trade him for anything, he was a blessing for sure, something worth waiting for... But, I still will wonder about the little one who didn't make it. The pain doesn't go away. It's lessened greatly, but I guess it wont ever really leave... Anyhow. That's all.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Loss
The phrase "sometimes you don't know what you've got until you've lost it" has been in my mind lately...
You lose your keys, your address book, your wallet, your phone, your phone charger (or three of them!?), your hairbrush, your socks (darn the dryer!), your shoes, or at least A shoe of the pair you're looking for... You lose track of time, track of what you were doing, you lose train of thought, you lose words, you lose a moment, you lose sleep, chances... You lose a document, a picture, a folder, a file. ... You lose your mind, your childhood, memories... marbles... You have loss in death... in love... in distance...
What is loss for a child? A missing toy, a missing shoe, a missing cup, a forgotten about trip to the park, a missed meal, a missed chance to go see Mickey Mouse live or not, a lost cup, a skipped nap (oy!), an afternoon playdate, tv time...
What about an infant? Lose the milk supply when it's taken away, lose the warm clothes when they are taken off, lose hands that were holding, legs that were bouncing...
What about now? ... are we in a society that constantly gives and takes and expects to be given and catered to, do we realize what we're losing? All the time. We lose each and every today as it becomes tomorrow...
I don't really know why this is on my mind, but all today I've been thinking about the things I take for granted and the TIME I take for granted. I have been humbled lately by the amount of time I WASTE-- thus losing it.
Titus chapter 2 keeps screaming in my head. There are listed specific guidelines for what the older women should be teaching the younger women about how to live....
The NIV says "to be busy in the home" Titus 2:5 "to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God".
The NKJ version says to be a "homemaker" Titus 2:5 "to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed."
The Message says to "keep a good house" Titus 2:5 "be virtuous and pure, keep a good house, be good wives. We don't want anyone looking down on God's Message because of their behavior."
Once in a message that the pastor's wife was giving in a small group bible study, she stressed how it's our job as women to provide a "safe haven" for our husbands. I'll never forget that choice of words. Safe Haven.
Why do I spend all this time wasting it... losing the chance to make my home a haven for my husband? I don't know the answer that's for sure. Instead I have dishes in the sink, laundry (some folded) strewn across the dining room table, the kitchen desperately needing sweeping, the litter box needing scooping, the beds needing making... I wasted the afternoon watching junk on the tv, I lost time I could have been bonding with my older son and teaching him to Mickey Mouse's Club house. I lost time bonding with my younger son to the comfort of the swing instead of lounging laying on mommy. I am losing my mind with all the things I'm thinking about. I feel like I'm losing time with weight stuff, as the doc today told me to wait another 2-3 weeks before attempting anything structured weight or exercise wise. I also know a lot of what I do is UP to me. So just shut up and do it, right? Whatever the "it" is... While I'm worried about my dad and I'm worried about my cat (totally stupid separate issue) and the worry stems from actually LOSING either of them.... .... what can I really DO about it?
Nothing.
So I will sit here and focus my energy into the universe about a lot of nothing.
You lose your keys, your address book, your wallet, your phone, your phone charger (or three of them!?), your hairbrush, your socks (darn the dryer!), your shoes, or at least A shoe of the pair you're looking for... You lose track of time, track of what you were doing, you lose train of thought, you lose words, you lose a moment, you lose sleep, chances... You lose a document, a picture, a folder, a file. ... You lose your mind, your childhood, memories... marbles... You have loss in death... in love... in distance...
What is loss for a child? A missing toy, a missing shoe, a missing cup, a forgotten about trip to the park, a missed meal, a missed chance to go see Mickey Mouse live or not, a lost cup, a skipped nap (oy!), an afternoon playdate, tv time...
What about an infant? Lose the milk supply when it's taken away, lose the warm clothes when they are taken off, lose hands that were holding, legs that were bouncing...
What about now? ... are we in a society that constantly gives and takes and expects to be given and catered to, do we realize what we're losing? All the time. We lose each and every today as it becomes tomorrow...
I don't really know why this is on my mind, but all today I've been thinking about the things I take for granted and the TIME I take for granted. I have been humbled lately by the amount of time I WASTE-- thus losing it.
Titus chapter 2 keeps screaming in my head. There are listed specific guidelines for what the older women should be teaching the younger women about how to live....
The NIV says "to be busy in the home" Titus 2:5 "to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God".
The NKJ version says to be a "homemaker" Titus 2:5 "to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed."
The Message says to "keep a good house" Titus 2:5 "be virtuous and pure, keep a good house, be good wives. We don't want anyone looking down on God's Message because of their behavior."
Once in a message that the pastor's wife was giving in a small group bible study, she stressed how it's our job as women to provide a "safe haven" for our husbands. I'll never forget that choice of words. Safe Haven.
Why do I spend all this time wasting it... losing the chance to make my home a haven for my husband? I don't know the answer that's for sure. Instead I have dishes in the sink, laundry (some folded) strewn across the dining room table, the kitchen desperately needing sweeping, the litter box needing scooping, the beds needing making... I wasted the afternoon watching junk on the tv, I lost time I could have been bonding with my older son and teaching him to Mickey Mouse's Club house. I lost time bonding with my younger son to the comfort of the swing instead of lounging laying on mommy. I am losing my mind with all the things I'm thinking about. I feel like I'm losing time with weight stuff, as the doc today told me to wait another 2-3 weeks before attempting anything structured weight or exercise wise. I also know a lot of what I do is UP to me. So just shut up and do it, right? Whatever the "it" is... While I'm worried about my dad and I'm worried about my cat (totally stupid separate issue) and the worry stems from actually LOSING either of them.... .... what can I really DO about it?
Nothing.
So I will sit here and focus my energy into the universe about a lot of nothing.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
TAG, you're it.
I was tagged by Marsha...
The Rules:1. Go to where you store your digital photos and open the 4th folder.
2. Post the 4th picture in that folder.
3. Explain the picture.
4. Tag 4 people.
Okay because of how I organize my pictures I had to keep opening the fourth folder and then the fourth folder and then the fourth folder but I finally got a picture. haha...
In this picture, I was trying on a bridesmaid dress once worn after losing near 65 pounds to see if it would fit again (date of pic: Dec 2007), the dress was originally worn April of 2004-- :)
I tag: Amy(Oduamy), Becka, Liz P, and Kathy R
Okay because of how I organize my pictures I had to keep opening the fourth folder and then the fourth folder and then the fourth folder but I finally got a picture. haha...
In this picture, I was trying on a bridesmaid dress once worn after losing near 65 pounds to see if it would fit again (date of pic: Dec 2007), the dress was originally worn April of 2004-- :)
I tag: Amy(Oduamy), Becka, Liz P, and Kathy R
Life
No real reason to this post except to get some things out in my "online journal" of sorts. I could just use a notebook, but I wouldn't keep it up and I know it. I love this, even if no one ever reads it, I think I would keep this going because it's a place to log my life and my thoughts and go back and read them when need be. It's very therapeutic... Anyhow...
1. Cancer. Sucks.
*sigh* My dad is still not in the clear and it's terrifying. Yet, I think I've finally given it up. I think I've finally let go and placed my worry and my concern and my heartache up on the alter and am trying to let God deal with this, since I can't. Last weekend I knew we were waiting on 'final' test results to come back to see if the radiation had worked. Something was eating my middle apart Sunday morning and I could not be settled. After sitting through the whole sermon about giving... money, time, talents... CHEERFULLY... GRACIOUSLY... I knew I still hadn't given this up. I hadn't given God all that I was clinging on to with this situation. And I couldn't stay contained with the invitation was made at the end of the service. I basically threw Mark to an unsuspecting friend and dragged Jamie to the alter with me and just cried. I was trying to pray out loud and most times in the past, I'd squeeze Jamie's hand as silently asking him to pray on my behalf since I was crying and unable to do so, but Sunday.... I prayed. I prayed in between the sobs, one or two words at a time... asking God to be in control. Saying out loud that I WASN'T. That it isn't on my time table or the doctors. That I knew and was okay with knowing that GOD knows how many days my dad will live. It's not up to me. That if it's His will to take the cancer away or not, it's still not up to me to say when he can go on or how long he has to stay here on earth. I, Kate Hobbs, am NOT in charge. (That's a hard one to fully get out there)!...
And all that was BEFORE I'd heard the results...
Which came Tuesday night...
And they weren't good. But, (and even though, yes I was still crying about it) I had a peace. I somehow knew it wasn't going to be good. And I knew that at the same time, GOD IS STILL GOOD.
The PSA count went up after the radiation, not down. So the doc wanted to start chemo straight away to try to kill it off. ... Dad said no. He wants to be told WHERE the cancer is, and that doc wasn't able to tell him. So Thursday he met with a new doc who is issuing new tests and instead of chemo wants to start a hormone therapy. The numbers indicate cancer cells present, but if they aren't showing a mass or a tumor anywhere, then the new doc seems to think if we can just keep them from growing, increasing and spreading, with the hormone treatment, we'd be succeeding. Dad's doing more blood work today and more tests Monday and meeting with new doc again Wed.
ALL prayers for my dad will be coveted. Thank you.
2. "Alllll by myself.... don't wanna be... allllll by my---self!"
No more help. Nic, my BFF, left today. We had a great time while she was here. We stayed up WAY too late the first two nights and paid for it, but that's half the fun. ... She was the last on the list scheduled to come and help post baby. We've had coming and going helping extra hands since even before Mark's arrival. My sister is coming back at the end of Feb, but I have to get through 3.5 weeks on my own until then. I have two meals being brought to help out this week by friends and couldn't be more blessed with all the meals we've been given the past month! The elimination of responsibilities in the kitchen have been wonderful. But, after that it's back to reality. I'll be back to needing to cook dinner, handle the laundry again completely, keep up with the dishes and the trash and the toys... I'm hearing Titus chapter two in my head ... "be busy in the home"... I want to be asleep in the home and have someone else be busy for me! ACK! No seriously though, it will be good to take back some of those jobs and show my husband (and myself) that I can be a mom of two and (hopefully!!!) a good wife and helpmeet as well. ... Though if my mother in law wanted to come back for a couple days here or there, that would be great by me!
3. Contentment.
Mark is such a content baby. He had his one month appointment yesterday (He's gained two whole pounds in two weeks!) and the doc is just so pleased with him. Doc said Mark might become cranky or more fussy around 5-6 weeks, not to worry if he did. That it was just a normal "awakening" time and growing for babies. So we'll see how the next couple of weeks play out. I'm hoping that Mark will breeze on past this "growing" time without a hitch. ...Sometimes I look at him and just wonder. Why can't we all stay this content? Why does the worrying and stress and fear and doubt and heartache have to creep into our once very content lives?...
4. Weight...
Ugh. The nasty dreaded thoughts... I know people have been wondering about that... So far I'm down 24 pounds since delivering! Whew. (I weighed at Mark's doc office after he had his first check up and at a friend's house Thursday night since we don't have a scale anymore...funny to think about "where I can get my next scale 'fix'!")
No, I'm not trying to do anything, I'm not counting yet or keeping track in any way. I'm not exercising on any regular basis (though last night's DDR fest was fun!). I'm not ready to start thinking about that full throttle just yet. I go back for my PPD appointment on Tuesday and I'll let my midwife tell me her thoughts on getting all that going once more.
Anyhow... I guess that's all the heavy stuff for now.
1. Cancer. Sucks.
*sigh* My dad is still not in the clear and it's terrifying. Yet, I think I've finally given it up. I think I've finally let go and placed my worry and my concern and my heartache up on the alter and am trying to let God deal with this, since I can't. Last weekend I knew we were waiting on 'final' test results to come back to see if the radiation had worked. Something was eating my middle apart Sunday morning and I could not be settled. After sitting through the whole sermon about giving... money, time, talents... CHEERFULLY... GRACIOUSLY... I knew I still hadn't given this up. I hadn't given God all that I was clinging on to with this situation. And I couldn't stay contained with the invitation was made at the end of the service. I basically threw Mark to an unsuspecting friend and dragged Jamie to the alter with me and just cried. I was trying to pray out loud and most times in the past, I'd squeeze Jamie's hand as silently asking him to pray on my behalf since I was crying and unable to do so, but Sunday.... I prayed. I prayed in between the sobs, one or two words at a time... asking God to be in control. Saying out loud that I WASN'T. That it isn't on my time table or the doctors. That I knew and was okay with knowing that GOD knows how many days my dad will live. It's not up to me. That if it's His will to take the cancer away or not, it's still not up to me to say when he can go on or how long he has to stay here on earth. I, Kate Hobbs, am NOT in charge. (That's a hard one to fully get out there)!...
And all that was BEFORE I'd heard the results...
Which came Tuesday night...
And they weren't good. But, (and even though, yes I was still crying about it) I had a peace. I somehow knew it wasn't going to be good. And I knew that at the same time, GOD IS STILL GOOD.
The PSA count went up after the radiation, not down. So the doc wanted to start chemo straight away to try to kill it off. ... Dad said no. He wants to be told WHERE the cancer is, and that doc wasn't able to tell him. So Thursday he met with a new doc who is issuing new tests and instead of chemo wants to start a hormone therapy. The numbers indicate cancer cells present, but if they aren't showing a mass or a tumor anywhere, then the new doc seems to think if we can just keep them from growing, increasing and spreading, with the hormone treatment, we'd be succeeding. Dad's doing more blood work today and more tests Monday and meeting with new doc again Wed.
ALL prayers for my dad will be coveted. Thank you.
2. "Alllll by myself.... don't wanna be... allllll by my---self!"
No more help. Nic, my BFF, left today. We had a great time while she was here. We stayed up WAY too late the first two nights and paid for it, but that's half the fun. ... She was the last on the list scheduled to come and help post baby. We've had coming and going helping extra hands since even before Mark's arrival. My sister is coming back at the end of Feb, but I have to get through 3.5 weeks on my own until then. I have two meals being brought to help out this week by friends and couldn't be more blessed with all the meals we've been given the past month! The elimination of responsibilities in the kitchen have been wonderful. But, after that it's back to reality. I'll be back to needing to cook dinner, handle the laundry again completely, keep up with the dishes and the trash and the toys... I'm hearing Titus chapter two in my head ... "be busy in the home"... I want to be asleep in the home and have someone else be busy for me! ACK! No seriously though, it will be good to take back some of those jobs and show my husband (and myself) that I can be a mom of two and (hopefully!!!) a good wife and helpmeet as well. ... Though if my mother in law wanted to come back for a couple days here or there, that would be great by me!
3. Contentment.
Mark is such a content baby. He had his one month appointment yesterday (He's gained two whole pounds in two weeks!) and the doc is just so pleased with him. Doc said Mark might become cranky or more fussy around 5-6 weeks, not to worry if he did. That it was just a normal "awakening" time and growing for babies. So we'll see how the next couple of weeks play out. I'm hoping that Mark will breeze on past this "growing" time without a hitch. ...Sometimes I look at him and just wonder. Why can't we all stay this content? Why does the worrying and stress and fear and doubt and heartache have to creep into our once very content lives?...
4. Weight...
Ugh. The nasty dreaded thoughts... I know people have been wondering about that... So far I'm down 24 pounds since delivering! Whew. (I weighed at Mark's doc office after he had his first check up and at a friend's house Thursday night since we don't have a scale anymore...funny to think about "where I can get my next scale 'fix'!")
No, I'm not trying to do anything, I'm not counting yet or keeping track in any way. I'm not exercising on any regular basis (though last night's DDR fest was fun!). I'm not ready to start thinking about that full throttle just yet. I go back for my PPD appointment on Tuesday and I'll let my midwife tell me her thoughts on getting all that going once more.
Anyhow... I guess that's all the heavy stuff for now.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Momma's boys
Okay, I still need to put up other photos, but Jamie took this last night, and I love how sweet Matthew was being. It's the first time since the hospital he hasn't screamed at the idea of holding Mark. He was so sweet... He found Mark's eyes and nose and ears and it was so cute. I love being a MOM!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Cute feet
There is just something about baby toes and baby feet... and baby socks!!! My mother in law, Sandy, visited this week. I'll post some pictures from her visit also, but I wanted to show the cute feet pictures too. The top one is part of the sleeper. The bottom one is actually socks that look like shoes. So cute!!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
front carrier
This first picture is from last night. He had is hands kind of half up while sleeping "no more pictures mom, no more."
These are from just now. We put him the carrier just so neither of us would be actually holding him. Mark is fine if he's in your arms or the swing (some) but does not like to be put down. Jamie held him standing and rocking the entire evening so far, so I thought I'd give him a break, but I still wanted my hands free. This rocks! He's here in my lap, in the carrier currently and I have both hands still. YES
These are from just now. We put him the carrier just so neither of us would be actually holding him. Mark is fine if he's in your arms or the swing (some) but does not like to be put down. Jamie held him standing and rocking the entire evening so far, so I thought I'd give him a break, but I still wanted my hands free. This rocks! He's here in my lap, in the carrier currently and I have both hands still. YES
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Mark update
Just wanted to say that he's doing wonderfully! We had another check up this morning and the doctor is very pleased. There has been no lingering effects of the fever and nothing to persuade us that Mark isn't as healthy as can be. He's gaining weight like a champ-- now a pound and 7 ounces past birth weight. We don't have to go back again until he is one month old, which will come quickly, as it is in two weeks!
In Mommy news: Mark is amazing. He's so content and calm it even baffled the good doctor today. He was rolling Mark's hips, a test that I remember Matthew wailing while happening, and Mark just laid perfectly still sucking on his hand, making baby noises. The doctor actually asked me, "he does cry, right?" haha! Yah, he does cry... but not very often. I remember the hours and hours we'd rock and bounce and sway and swing and pray that Matthew would stop crying. Mark is just content. (Thank you Jesus)! Doc said not to be alarmed if around 6-7 weeks Mark gets a "crying stage" as he grows.
I can't believe he's over two weeks old already. I really can't. I remember with Matthew just crying my eyes out right along with him, and with Mark that just hasn't been the case. Life hasn't been roses since he's been born, but it hasn't been awful either. I've had a couple friends tell me the same was true with their second. That life just kinda keeps going, the second kiddo just slid right in. Now Matthew's world has been rudely disturbed, but I for sure am glad I'm not a "first time mom" again. I'm so glad you only go through the insane amount of "what if's" once in that area of life. I know that it's okay if he sleeps 4 hours. I know that it's okay if he falls asleep while eating. I know that it's okay if he cries for an extended period of time, he's not going to die from crying. I know my heart will break a thousand times though, while the baby cries, but my heart will keep on beating. I'm so glad I don't have to wonder "is he getting enough?" "should I pump and measure" "should I weigh him daily" "is this working" "is that working" "is he okay" "is he okay now?" "what about now"??? HA! When I go back and read my journalling and delusional thoughts from Matthew's early days and first few weeks... I laugh at myself. My poor sad state of mind back then. How do our husbands stay with us while we're dealing with the "first time mom" syndrome of that kind of CRAZY?! Whew!
In Mommy news: Mark is amazing. He's so content and calm it even baffled the good doctor today. He was rolling Mark's hips, a test that I remember Matthew wailing while happening, and Mark just laid perfectly still sucking on his hand, making baby noises. The doctor actually asked me, "he does cry, right?" haha! Yah, he does cry... but not very often. I remember the hours and hours we'd rock and bounce and sway and swing and pray that Matthew would stop crying. Mark is just content. (Thank you Jesus)! Doc said not to be alarmed if around 6-7 weeks Mark gets a "crying stage" as he grows.
I can't believe he's over two weeks old already. I really can't. I remember with Matthew just crying my eyes out right along with him, and with Mark that just hasn't been the case. Life hasn't been roses since he's been born, but it hasn't been awful either. I've had a couple friends tell me the same was true with their second. That life just kinda keeps going, the second kiddo just slid right in. Now Matthew's world has been rudely disturbed, but I for sure am glad I'm not a "first time mom" again. I'm so glad you only go through the insane amount of "what if's" once in that area of life. I know that it's okay if he sleeps 4 hours. I know that it's okay if he falls asleep while eating. I know that it's okay if he cries for an extended period of time, he's not going to die from crying. I know my heart will break a thousand times though, while the baby cries, but my heart will keep on beating. I'm so glad I don't have to wonder "is he getting enough?" "should I pump and measure" "should I weigh him daily" "is this working" "is that working" "is he okay" "is he okay now?" "what about now"??? HA! When I go back and read my journalling and delusional thoughts from Matthew's early days and first few weeks... I laugh at myself. My poor sad state of mind back then. How do our husbands stay with us while we're dealing with the "first time mom" syndrome of that kind of CRAZY?! Whew!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
two weeks old
So at two weeks old today, we've been very busy. This has been our agenda today:
Not a bad day so far, huh? hehe
Not a bad day so far, huh? heheMonday, January 5, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Bath time!
Here's a few pictures from Mark's first bath time on Friday night. Though we couldn't submerge him in a real bath yet, we washed his hair and got him real angry! We had a neat assembly line going: I was holding Mark, Kris was sprinkling the water (she said she felt like she was Christening him) and Mom was soaping him.
**More pictures to come from Kris' visit--they all left this morning**
**More pictures to come from Kris' visit--they all left this morning**
Saturday, January 3, 2009
RINGS!
I tried on my rings a couple days ago and they still wouldn't fit, they did fit my pinky but snugly... however, they went on today! I'm so excited I could just burst. I can't remember exactly when my rings went back on after Matthew was born but I know for sure it wasn't within the first two weeks. Yippppppie!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Reflections
After reading some other friends' blogs, I realized I posted my New Years thoughts, but I didn't take time and think back and reflect on what 2008 brought. So before I get too carried away with '09, I thought I'd think back and remember '08 ...
January was spent in MO for me. I spent time in KC and in STL visiting family and friends and waiting for my dearest friend's sweet baby girl to arrive. I was actually with her in the labor room when she pushed out her daughter. I'll never forget that moment for my whole life. I was present and witnessed life being born, such a blessing.
February was a roller coaster. We found out we were pregnant and lost that baby. In fact, I went to the hospital on Feb 29th, so that date will forever be printed on my memories. Every leap year instead of rejoicing with the extra day in the month, I'm sure it will be a hard one to tackle.
March was rough to say the least. I was mourning the loss of a tiny child I'll never know and still trying to be a mommy to my firstborn. My sister came at the end of the month and we did have a good visit over her spring break.
In April I found myself neck deep in the world of weight watchers. I was doing a "step challenge" and walking and working out often, trying to work off my grief.
In May, (early May) we were shocked to find out I was pregnant again. This wasn't planned and I was in complete disbelief. ... to think in April I was running the stairs and pregnant all the while makes me tired now to think about it. haha May also brought me back to St. Louis for a concert. The St. Louis Children's Chorus held an alumni anniversary Gala Concert. It was amazing. I also had a chance to finally fully close a door that needed closure.
In June we went to Orlando with Jamie's family. 10 adults and 3 kiddos in a two bedroom condo!! (were we nuts!?) It was a lot of fun. Also in June my big boy turned 2~ I can't believe it, a full grown toddler we have now on our hands.
July took Jamie to the mountains for his annual camping trip and me back to Missouri once again. I spent a week in St. Louis with my folks and then a few days in KC with Nic's family. I can't believe her big boy turned 3! It was the first time I was present on his birthday!
August sent Jamie and me on a weekend get-a-way without Matthew. We went to Helen, GA and left Matthew with Jamie's parents. It was so nice to find ourselves again as husband and wife and not mommy and daddy. And Helen is just beautiful.
September brought us back to St. Louis just for a long weekend. My best guy friend from High School got married. I was so honored to sing during his ceremony, which was just gorgeous! I'm so happy for him and his new bride. This would be my last trip of the year, still pregnant and soon unable to travel.
October brought my annual Relay for Life walk to find a CURE for CANCER. I was hugely pregnant and made it most of the night... starting at 7pm and ending at 7am, I left around 5am. I didn't walk the whole time, but I put in several hours on that track. I pray that we WILL find a CURE some day!
November kept me GA bound, but I didn't mind it. My mom came for a long visit before Thanksgiving and I loved having her here. Jamie's brother's family came up for Thanksgiving weekend and it was nice to have them up as well, it had been way too long.
December of course is always CRAZY! Being the children's choir director at church, I had to get through our Christmas production! And it was wonderful. I was so blessed with all of my kiddos in it. December also brought us a very special gift... my second born, another son!
Well that's my 2008 broken down month by month. It's neat to go back and see what the year had brought and given...
January was spent in MO for me. I spent time in KC and in STL visiting family and friends and waiting for my dearest friend's sweet baby girl to arrive. I was actually with her in the labor room when she pushed out her daughter. I'll never forget that moment for my whole life. I was present and witnessed life being born, such a blessing.
February was a roller coaster. We found out we were pregnant and lost that baby. In fact, I went to the hospital on Feb 29th, so that date will forever be printed on my memories. Every leap year instead of rejoicing with the extra day in the month, I'm sure it will be a hard one to tackle.
March was rough to say the least. I was mourning the loss of a tiny child I'll never know and still trying to be a mommy to my firstborn. My sister came at the end of the month and we did have a good visit over her spring break.
In April I found myself neck deep in the world of weight watchers. I was doing a "step challenge" and walking and working out often, trying to work off my grief.
In May, (early May) we were shocked to find out I was pregnant again. This wasn't planned and I was in complete disbelief. ... to think in April I was running the stairs and pregnant all the while makes me tired now to think about it. haha May also brought me back to St. Louis for a concert. The St. Louis Children's Chorus held an alumni anniversary Gala Concert. It was amazing. I also had a chance to finally fully close a door that needed closure.
In June we went to Orlando with Jamie's family. 10 adults and 3 kiddos in a two bedroom condo!! (were we nuts!?) It was a lot of fun. Also in June my big boy turned 2~ I can't believe it, a full grown toddler we have now on our hands.
July took Jamie to the mountains for his annual camping trip and me back to Missouri once again. I spent a week in St. Louis with my folks and then a few days in KC with Nic's family. I can't believe her big boy turned 3! It was the first time I was present on his birthday!
August sent Jamie and me on a weekend get-a-way without Matthew. We went to Helen, GA and left Matthew with Jamie's parents. It was so nice to find ourselves again as husband and wife and not mommy and daddy. And Helen is just beautiful.
September brought us back to St. Louis just for a long weekend. My best guy friend from High School got married. I was so honored to sing during his ceremony, which was just gorgeous! I'm so happy for him and his new bride. This would be my last trip of the year, still pregnant and soon unable to travel.
October brought my annual Relay for Life walk to find a CURE for CANCER. I was hugely pregnant and made it most of the night... starting at 7pm and ending at 7am, I left around 5am. I didn't walk the whole time, but I put in several hours on that track. I pray that we WILL find a CURE some day!
November kept me GA bound, but I didn't mind it. My mom came for a long visit before Thanksgiving and I loved having her here. Jamie's brother's family came up for Thanksgiving weekend and it was nice to have them up as well, it had been way too long.
December of course is always CRAZY! Being the children's choir director at church, I had to get through our Christmas production! And it was wonderful. I was so blessed with all of my kiddos in it. December also brought us a very special gift... my second born, another son!
Well that's my 2008 broken down month by month. It's neat to go back and see what the year had brought and given...
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