Another February, Another Baby gone to Heaven.

I've sat here over a half hour just staring at that first sentence.

Can it be true? Can it be real? Over the past couple days I'd actually been formulating my "lack of anniversary date" post in my head. For those newer to reading my blog, I'd lost a baby on 2-29-08. And last year posted about the lack of anniversary. (I think. I meant to if I didn't heh).

Anyhow, yesterday... I'd gone in for a normal appt. and repeat ultrasound. Four weeks ago, I saw a tiny blip of a beating heart... Yesterday, that heart beating was gone. My baby had stopped growing. His heart, stopped beating. At first the u/s tech didn't say anything, but my midwife, K, was in the room. God I love her. and she came right around over to me and said, "Katherine, we dont' see the heart beat. It's not there honey." They looked for a good long time, checking different angles, having me hold my breath, searching for a tiny beat. We cried. We hugged. I got dressed. We hugged some more. I went to her office. I couldn't breathe. She wanted me to go to the hospital. Do it again, get a second opinion. I couldn't speak. She wanted me to call Jamie, I couldn't. She called him. I hated to do that to him. I cried for him, hearing from her. He was on his way. We hugged some more. She sent me outside to my car to drive across the street to the hospital. I sniffled through the parking lot. Got inside the car. Put my seatbelt on, and laid my head on the steering wheel and just sobbed. I don't know how I drove myself the 50 feet, but thank God for free valet parking.

In the hospital, I'll skip the details about the lack of kindness or compassion the first receptionist showed me. She didn't even look up. She didn't make eye contact or see that I had mascara smeared all over my cheeks, with fresh tears spilling down my face. She didn't look up to see me hiccuping through the answers of her questions. Oh... wait, I was skipping this part. After asking the second receptionist, the nice one, the motherly looking one, for a piece of paper, I began writing out my swimming thoughts... these are the ramblings in the waiting room (unedited and a bit repetitious):

A million things race through my mind. 'Why?' is at the top of the list. Why?Why? Why!?. There is nothing as painful as the loss of a child, but... to lose another one... to lose two children. God help me (why?!). I don't want to do this again. I dont' want to have this hurting again. the aching, the endless night in the pit of my belly again --- instead of the a growing baby. (Why?!) I feel like Sally Fields in Steal Magnolis when she as at her daughter's gravesite. She screams "I just wanna know why?!?!". Oh Lord. Dear Jesus hold me. Four weeks aago we saw a tiny heart beating, four weeks ago life was there. Today. We saw a baby formed today, but no blip. No beating heart. My heart wanted to stop beating right there. My sweet baby's life has stopped. The tiny growing heart has quit. What will I say to Matthew who thinks there is a baby in there? What will I say to the world? (Why?!). Oh I dont' want to do this again. We already bought a pregnancy journal. I've been writing in it. I'm so drained Lord. I'm wiping tears away as fast as I'm writing these words. Please Lord hold me. I'm sitting here in the hospital waiting room, alone with my clipboard and paper. The poor lady at the registration desk (the nice one) doesn't know what to do or say. She keeps bringing me kleenex and looking at me with concern in her eyes. Jamie's on his way. Again I want to shout "WHY?!" but I'm trying so hard to stay quiet. Lord save me from this torture. I want to be gone from here. to hold my boys to me and love them. But it's impossible to hold them for they aren't here. Father hold me. Jesus hear me. Lord please cradle my angels. ... two angels in Heaven. My babies who have seen your face. My babies who have seen your glory while I am faced with sorrow. My babies who will never know pain or regret or fear. My babies.... God, why is it so hard to add an S to that word. My babies who have each other now and can share your lap. God keep them. Lord keep them for Jamie. Keep them for me. I long to hold and know them. But you do. You already know their names. Father save me.

... at this time my phone rang and a friend had come. (thank you friend). Soon after Jamie showed up. We waited and waited and waited some more. I finally went through the triage process and waited some more. Friend went home. Jamie and I sat. Eventually we were led down a hall and into a very uncomfortable room. The attending nurse was spacey and made me uneasy. She seemed like she didn't know what was going on. Then she said so and so would be called and given the images and so and so would be able to call K and then someone would tell us the results. I looked at her and said "Can you see a heart beat" She said "That's what I'm trying to tell you, I'm not allowed to say one way or the other. I'm not authorized to give the results of these testings"... Oh God. Just shoot me here on this table. I turned from her. I mouthed to Jamie if he could see and he couldn't... I couldn't look at her again. She kept asking me if I was okay. I think my mouth whispered yes each time, though inside I was breaking. I was being ripped apart.

I'm waiting for K to call back to schedule my D&C....