alone

My mom left this morning. She'd flown down from STL to be with us since Thursday pm. I don't know what I would have done without her. She was a rock in this house the past two days. Friday morning we woke early and left for the hospital, my boys safe and snug in their beds. I was blessed that they didn't have to wake up and be shuffled around town. I know my friends would have willingly taken them in, but it did my heart good to know they were home. My mom took care of my boys while Jamie and my midwife, K, took care of me. My mom also found our house. She did all the dishes, cleaned the counters, the playroom, found the floors, caught up the laundry. Thank you so much mom. You truly did more than I could have asked for. I felt so out of control yesterday, able to be awake some but not able to get up and do anything... as it is I type this from the laptop on the couch. I will be glad when the cramping stops and I can function better. Right now I feel very isolated. As I mentioned, Mom left this morning. Jamie loaded up the boys to take her to the airport and then to church. I know that my boys are once again being taken care of. The nursery workers are loving on Markie and Matthew will be fine in his classroom. My husband will be hugged I know. I wish I was there. I miss my friends and I need to hear God's message for me. I will be listening to the sermon on line as soon as it's up. I wish I could feel the love of the church from this stupid couch. I know they are loving on my men though, and if I were there they'd be holding me too.

I've been thinking consistently about one song in particular... Tenth Avenue North's Hold my Heart There is one line that just repeats over and over and over and over in my brain. "Could the maker of the stars, hear the sound of my breaking heart?" I know He does. I know he promises that we are worth more than the sparrows. But it's hard. It's so hard. Friday morning, during our registration process at the hospital, this song was playing in the small room we were waiting. Jamie said it'd been his theme song the past two days. It's stuck with me too. I wake up at night hearing just that line "hear the sound of my breaking heart" I say it over and over in my mind. "Oh Lord, hear the sound of my breaking heart". ... If you haven't heard it, you should get a copy.

How long must I pray, must I pray to You?
How long must I wait, must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face, see You shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?

One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

I've been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye.
But if there's no other way, I'm done asking why.
Cuz I'm on my knees, begging You to turn to me
I'm on my knees, Father will you run to me?

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?

One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

So many questions without answers, Your promises remain
I can't sleep but I'll take my chances to hear You call my name
To hear You call my name

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?

One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart.

Hold my heart, could you hold my heart?
Hold my heart.