God's Timing

I am just constantly thinking of how AMAZING God is. How amazing His TIMING is. ... I'd like to recap...


Five weeks ago at my normal, good, baby still alive appt... midwife K wanted to see me in 6 weeks. That would be next Wed. But I didn't want to wait that long... I could right now not know anything was wrong... I wasn't alone when I found out. I'm not waiting in turmoil wondering if the baby will make it.

Wed at the appt, she went into the u/s room with me. Normally it's just you and the tech. I've never in probably 5-10 ultrasounds ever had K go in with me. But this time she did. And when the u/s tech said nothing, K came around to hold my hand. I wasn't alone.

Wed at the hospital, Jamie was driving as fast as he could (ahem) but I was still alone for a bit of time. I didn't call this friend, and I didn't ask for her to come, but come she did. I again, wasn't alone while I waited for Jamie.

Thursday... Oh Thursday. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to cry the whole day. I wanted to wallow in the awfulness. But God didn't allow that. I did cry on and off, but it wasn't the whole day. God let Jamie come back home from work only a short time from getting there. He brought a friend over with dinner and when I really did need to be alone, he sent more friends to sit with me while Jamie and Matthew went to pick up my mom. I wasn't ever alone more than 10 minutes the whole day. He didn't allow me to wallow. God never left me, and was holding my hands with all those different people.

Friday. Surgery Day. While going through the registration, the lady checking us in's radio was playing "Hold my Heart". Jamie whispered in my ear "there it is again." I said "what??" Not even had heard it yet... he said, "That song. It's been my theme song the past two days." My eyes filled as I listened. I'd already been singing the chorus in my head the past two days too. ...

As we went through the pre-op stuff, I was ordered another u/s to triple make sure. There was something horrifying about them going in after my baby, and "what if" the heart was actually still beating. What if they took life out of my womb... I let slow silent tears fill my eyes and slide down my cheeks as I watched the u/s tech look one more time at the screen. This time it was slightly turned in my direction. Thank you God. I was able to almost see for myself. I held Jamie's hand the whole time. In my head, I was saying good bye. I was able to find a small moment of peace, looking at the screen, seeing the baby's formed body and whispering "Goodbye. Mommy Loves You." in my head. In that room, I was not alone.

We walked back to pre-op. My midwife was there. God I love her. K, I love you. She hugged me. She held my hand. And when my doctor ... decided... to be... a snippity creep without any bedside manners or compassion... she squeezed that hand harder. She said "we're not afraid of Dr. A." ... after he told me that I didn't need another u/s since I'd only had one two days before. K spoke up, she said "I ordered it. It was for peace of mind." Dr. A then snipped again "At least I know who the culprit is, I'll be behind schedule all day." ... I could feel my precious husband tense up, I felt my heart in my chest, K griped my hand tighter, she said "it's okay. It was for peace of mind. It was needed. We're not off schedule." She never faltered. She didn't back down. She stood up for me and for my baby. And I love her. ... In that awful moment without the doctor's compassion, I was not alone.

On Saturday, when I was recovering, and my sweet K called to check on me, and she said "honey I have some bad news, can you handle bad news right now?"... and she told me she was no longer employed at my OBGYN's office... that she and another had been let go... and I think about how I could still be pregnant right now, (oh I want to be) but I could be. and she could be gone. And I could be without the only person in the world I would want delivering my babies... and I am again unable to deny God's persistant presence and perfect timing in my life. HE knew we couldn't wait for Monday or Tuesday. HE knew it had to be Friday. HE knew I needed K on Friday. For three hours before, during and after surgery she held my hand... but HE knew that after that I'd be without her... and yet. even with that knowledge now, I am not alone.


I thank you Jesus, for allowing my mom to come down and to be with my boys and to take Matthew to the circus for me for the first time and to hold me and to help me. I'm thankful that K was allowed to be by my side once more in the time I needed her so badly. I'm so thankful that you allowed Jamie to grieve on Sunday at church and when he needed you, Lord, he wasn't alone. I thank you for the continued help between my moms club and our amazing church family. I am so blessed by the love and support coming from all sides. I know you're hand is on this. And I know that I don't understand. Father please hold us. Lord please continue to be our beacon. I need you Lord.


It doesn't make it hurt any less.... but it's so comforting and makes me wonder what the hurt would be like, without the knowledge that our Lord JESUS, is, in control.