interesting

Interesting enough that I'd post this big long post about being okay with where I was and knowing that God is in control and in charge and still bigger than all my "why?!" because He doesn't owe me one thing..... To then have that tested big time today. Oh my word that was tested today. I could feel a little nagging in my spirit like, "Are you ready to put your money where your mouth is?" Boy, I got a bad hand dealt today, the weight of the "what if" on my shoulder right now COULD be so heavy. For a long time this afternoon/evening I wallowed in the wonder of WHHHHHY and WHAT IF and and and...

For those of you who are staring at the screen in complete bafflement right now, I'll catch you up. I'm still (TMI) having some issues from the surgery. Yes, go ahead, do the math... allow me to help, this is week THREE. And I'm STILL ... so, anyhow, called and talked to my sweet midwife (who will always be "MINE" even if she's not "there") and she said I needed to call and talk to the nurse. Did that. Nurse, D, called me back. D said that Dr. A really wanted me to be seen again first thing monday morning. Pause, while my heart stops. What? Why? I was expecting to be given meds to stop the bleeding and okay, there we go. But no.... he wants me to come in for an exam, Oh Mercy. And more lab work. Oh kill me. And a possible ultrasound. To see the empty black hole on the screen will just rip me apart. Please no... The likelihood is that one out of some random small chance of people (HI. I'm Dori, yes I'm a delay fish) have to actually have a repeat procedure. WHAT?! And at some point tonight after calling and moaning to friends over the phone, I just had to stop and pause and say:

"You do not owe me one thing.
Father, you do not owe me one thing.
Father, you have already given everything.
Father, you do not owe me one thing."

Oh how I wanted to whine and moan and groan. I cried on the phone with two people. Didn't know I was going to do that. I was surprised too by who they were. (MK and K, thank you for letting me). Soooooo. Here I am. I'm just stuck in a land of "wait and see." The dreaded land of "wait and see."

I'm praying I don't have to do a repeat surgery.
I'm praying for Monday to go well and show the doctor exactly what is going on.
I'm praying for God's ultimate healing on my physical body and my dragged through the mud emotional state.

Thanks to all that listen to the ramblings of this page.
Good night.