something special

I've tried since Saturday evening to figure out the words I want to use for this posting... I still am not sure I have it right in my mind.

I talk about Nic's sweet friendship... and it's so much more it's something special. Something that is unmatchable...

But sometimes, I'm so blown away. I'm so moved and touched by the other people-- women in my life who love me and care for me and comfort me and keep me safe. For a long time in my life, I felt alone. I felt worthless. I felt unimportant. For a long time in my life, I felt used, tolerated, abandoned... depressed... angry...

It took the grace of God to pull me out of a downward spiral.

My amazing husband found me and pulled me out of a world of self pity and waste.

Since knowing him, I've found myself. I've become closer to God through his example as a Christian. I've been able to change my habits to model his. I've been able to change my thinking to model Christ's. I've found that I'm never alone. I'm not worthless. Jamie and more importantly, God, loves me and cares for me. And promises that He has a plan for me. (Jer 29:11). Now... as a mother, I know I'm important. And I don't mean that in a haughty-taughty way. I just mean, I now have a JOB to raise these boys. And to raise them right. And to love them. And to cherish them. And to give them and Jamie a safe and loving place of rest each day. It's hard with toddlers to think about this sometimes. There is a lot more screaming some days than kind words. There are tantrums and time outs and such. But it is my job to show love. To be love. To exemplify love.

I've rabbit trailed... (Alice! Come back!)

I just want to say that I'm so blessed...

When we moved to GA after living my whole life in MO... I knew no one. Not a soul. Yet, God found us a church to call home. And we began our journey with it. In five years, I've felt more connected to my church family than any other group of people outside my own home, I've ever ever felt. ... You have friends in high school, and you think they'll be your forever friends... but life happens and you part ways. Most if not all of these friends will be lost... You start all over in college and make new friends, but again, life happens and you go your separate ways. Most of these friends will also be lost... I'm in a Moms Club now, and I love it. I've grown very close to a handful of women who support me and help me and love on my kids... but I'd wonder if we moved and had to part ways, would some of them stay in my life or would we eventually lose touch.... I'd like to hope a couple would remain in my life.... Never before though in the different stages of my life, have I ever felt such a family bond with a church family before. I'm so often blown away by the kindness, compassion, love, acceptance. Over the last five years, I've grown so attached to certain families... And sometimes, you just wonder if it's one sided. You know, you play that game of "does she like me as much as I like her?" or "does she really think I'm annoying or does she really like me?" or "do you think she just puts up with us or does she really like having us over?" ... people play mind games. We're great at second guessing ourselves, doubting ourselves... It's still sometimes a mystery to me just how deep some friendships can be now. In the past several months, I've traveled to help a friend twice, been in the room with another friend while she labored and delivered a baby, stayed up holding a different friend's baby so she could get some sleep (er, cleaning done--ha). We've had help financially from a friend, we've had help physically from a friend, I've had more meals brought to us this month than I prepared myself, friends have donated time to come and sit on my couch and hold my children while I couldn't... ... God has so blessed me with deep true friendships here in GA. And I'm so grateful, because my mom and my sister and my Nic are just too far away. I'm so thankful for the friendships here. I'm so thankful for the love we've found here...

(Again, Alice... come back out of the rabbit hole... )

I say all this ... ALL this... To say thank you.

Thank you so much to some very special friends who have been holding me up these past long days. I almost hate to list any for fear of overlooking anyone... So I wont do that. But I will just share something special with you.

Whoever reads this, whoever you are, somewhere out there, this is my something special... It came by mail, with no note, no card, no name... I do know now who sent it, but even if I'd never had found out... The amount of time and energy it must have taken to orchestrate this precious, perfect, beautiful memorial is overwhelming. I know that God knows my baby's name even if I don't... I know that while he was still in my womb, God knew him. Even before then, God knew him... both babies...(Ps 139) I'm so grateful for this gift to remember them... And I'm so grateful for friendships like these in my life. I wish the pictures were more clear, because this doesn't capture the perfection...

on the front it says "Angel Baby" twice

on the back it says "1st Samuel 1:27-28"

it came with this card

To this friend, one of my dearest friends... thank you. Thank you so much. You will never know the extreme impact of your gift to me. You will never know how I can hold on to something tangible now and I don't have to wonder if this, if they, will be forgotten. You do not know the amount of emotion that sweeps through me when I put this around my neck. You do not know the amount of emotion that floored through me, when my sweet husband kissed the circle, while I was wearing it yesterday. You do not know the intense wave of emotion that flows through me knowing that my angel babies have something tangible, here with me. Something that I can hold.

I sat yesterday in Matthew's room. Matthew on my side, Mark in my lap, my hand on my necklace... finding a glimmer of peace.



I'd like to take a moment to recognize the company. LaBelleDame.com says they are jewelry to support the spirit. Healing Jewelry. Memorial Jewelry. You should check it out, and tuck it away in your history. God forbid you'd ever have to have need to use the site yourself... Thank you to Kimberly in Canada, for creating such beautiful, meaningful, healing jewelry.

^{1 Samuel 1:27-28}

For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition which I asked of Him. Therefore I also have lent him to the LORD; as long as he lives he shall be lent to the LORD.” So they worshiped the LORD there.