Struggling...

ugh...

I dont' know where my thoughts are going to go here so bare with me. ... I've been struggling lately. I can't seem to do anything right lately, and there are a few things that have been effecting me all over. I seem to be having conflicts that I can't resolve. Instaed of finding my feet and getting out of the storm, I'm just sinking deeper into more and more and more... I'm struggling with some very private and personal things, and for the first time I am not sure where to go. A year ago, I would have just posted them on here not caring who read them, now though... I don't know. I feel like a failure in so many places... friendships, weigh loss efforts, parenting... I just feel like I'm struggling. I don't know what I want from this post... please dont' flood me with "oh, what's wrong" comment after comment. I don't know. I just feel, well like I'm struggling. I feel like I'm flailing my arms, screaming for help and no one is listening.
A friend lost a baby recently and I've been shaken by that, for my own personal obvious reasons ...
I can't seem to get back on track with my weight loss efforts, I had a great streak of being on plan going and I've squashed it, now starting a new streak of days off plan. Ugh. To that end, I have not been updating my weight loss blog. :(
I feel like I'm drifitng from one of my best friends,and that scares me to no end.
A book I was reading and enjoying, about 300 pages into it, the main character finds out she has ovarian cancer. So... needless to say I put that book down and can't pick it up. I don't want her to die, I don't want her daughter to be left alone, I don't want to visualize things that could be happening in my mom's future. I hate cancer. I will say it again... I HATE CANCER.
My dad told me yesterday that on fox news there is aa family who have been separated from their kids for a month because the walmart idiot develpoping their family pictures called the police he suspected foul play and child abuse when he saw the children naked in the tub. I'm so sorry but who DOESN'T have nakey pictures of their kids in tub? Shoot, I have my friends' kids' nakey tub pictures! come on. Dad made me promise I wouldn't take our pictures to walmart to develop if we have nakey pics on them of the boys, but my God, even doing them online with kodak gallery or shutterfly, wouldn't stop someone for calling the cops on you. I feel so defeated in that area. I have had several dreams in a row that someone either steals or kills my boys and I do nothing to stop it. I don't want to sleep because my dreams are haunting me.
The girl, Abby, on The Biggest Loser show has been on my mind all week... I seriously think someone would have to commit me to a mental hospital if something happened to my boys and Jamie in one swoop... I'd lose my mind. I don't know if I could get out of bed in the morning. I don't know how she has the strength to continue living. I am amazed by God's greatness to give her that strength. I'm amazed by God's love for her that He obviously has plans for her. Jer 29:11 keeps popping into mind. His plans are not to harm her, he has a future for her... and a hope... .... and that's another thing...
I haven't been in the Word since mid week, and I KNOW I need to open my Bible and get back in it. Why is it we can do so well and then we stop?

.... Sorry to continue rambling but since that's all I am doing, I'll just stop...