something special

I've tried since Saturday evening to figure out the words I want to use for this posting... I still am not sure I have it right in my mind.

I talk about Nic's sweet friendship... and it's so much more it's something special. Something that is unmatchable...

But sometimes, I'm so blown away. I'm so moved and touched by the other people-- women in my life who love me and care for me and comfort me and keep me safe. For a long time in my life, I felt alone. I felt worthless. I felt unimportant. For a long time in my life, I felt used, tolerated, abandoned... depressed... angry...

It took the grace of God to pull me out of a downward spiral.

My amazing husband found me and pulled me out of a world of self pity and waste.

Since knowing him, I've found myself. I've become closer to God through his example as a Christian. I've been able to change my habits to model his. I've been able to change my thinking to model Christ's. I've found that I'm never alone. I'm not worthless. Jamie and more importantly, God, loves me and cares for me. And promises that He has a plan for me. (Jer 29:11). Now... as a mother, I know I'm important. And I don't mean that in a haughty-taughty way. I just mean, I now have a JOB to raise these boys. And to raise them right. And to love them. And to cherish them. And to give them and Jamie a safe and loving place of rest each day. It's hard with toddlers to think about this sometimes. There is a lot more screaming some days than kind words. There are tantrums and time outs and such. But it is my job to show love. To be love. To exemplify love.

I've rabbit trailed... (Alice! Come back!)

I just want to say that I'm so blessed...

When we moved to GA after living my whole life in MO... I knew no one. Not a soul. Yet, God found us a church to call home. And we began our journey with it. In five years, I've felt more connected to my church family than any other group of people outside my own home, I've ever ever felt. ... You have friends in high school, and you think they'll be your forever friends... but life happens and you part ways. Most if not all of these friends will be lost... You start all over in college and make new friends, but again, life happens and you go your separate ways. Most of these friends will also be lost... I'm in a Moms Club now, and I love it. I've grown very close to a handful of women who support me and help me and love on my kids... but I'd wonder if we moved and had to part ways, would some of them stay in my life or would we eventually lose touch.... I'd like to hope a couple would remain in my life.... Never before though in the different stages of my life, have I ever felt such a family bond with a church family before. I'm so often blown away by the kindness, compassion, love, acceptance. Over the last five years, I've grown so attached to certain families... And sometimes, you just wonder if it's one sided. You know, you play that game of "does she like me as much as I like her?" or "does she really think I'm annoying or does she really like me?" or "do you think she just puts up with us or does she really like having us over?" ... people play mind games. We're great at second guessing ourselves, doubting ourselves... It's still sometimes a mystery to me just how deep some friendships can be now. In the past several months, I've traveled to help a friend twice, been in the room with another friend while she labored and delivered a baby, stayed up holding a different friend's baby so she could get some sleep (er, cleaning done--ha). We've had help financially from a friend, we've had help physically from a friend, I've had more meals brought to us this month than I prepared myself, friends have donated time to come and sit on my couch and hold my children while I couldn't... ... God has so blessed me with deep true friendships here in GA. And I'm so grateful, because my mom and my sister and my Nic are just too far away. I'm so thankful for the friendships here. I'm so thankful for the love we've found here...

(Again, Alice... come back out of the rabbit hole... )

I say all this ... ALL this... To say thank you.

Thank you so much to some very special friends who have been holding me up these past long days. I almost hate to list any for fear of overlooking anyone... So I wont do that. But I will just share something special with you.

Whoever reads this, whoever you are, somewhere out there, this is my something special... It came by mail, with no note, no card, no name... I do know now who sent it, but even if I'd never had found out... The amount of time and energy it must have taken to orchestrate this precious, perfect, beautiful memorial is overwhelming. I know that God knows my baby's name even if I don't... I know that while he was still in my womb, God knew him. Even before then, God knew him... both babies...(Ps 139) I'm so grateful for this gift to remember them... And I'm so grateful for friendships like these in my life. I wish the pictures were more clear, because this doesn't capture the perfection...

on the front it says "Angel Baby" twice

on the back it says "1st Samuel 1:27-28"

it came with this card

To this friend, one of my dearest friends... thank you. Thank you so much. You will never know the extreme impact of your gift to me. You will never know how I can hold on to something tangible now and I don't have to wonder if this, if they, will be forgotten. You do not know the amount of emotion that sweeps through me when I put this around my neck. You do not know the amount of emotion that floored through me, when my sweet husband kissed the circle, while I was wearing it yesterday. You do not know the intense wave of emotion that flows through me knowing that my angel babies have something tangible, here with me. Something that I can hold.

I sat yesterday in Matthew's room. Matthew on my side, Mark in my lap, my hand on my necklace... finding a glimmer of peace.



I'd like to take a moment to recognize the company. LaBelleDame.com says they are jewelry to support the spirit. Healing Jewelry. Memorial Jewelry. You should check it out, and tuck it away in your history. God forbid you'd ever have to have need to use the site yourself... Thank you to Kimberly in Canada, for creating such beautiful, meaningful, healing jewelry.

^{1 Samuel 1:27-28}

For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition which I asked of Him. Therefore I also have lent him to the LORD; as long as he lives he shall be lent to the LORD.” So they worshiped the LORD there.

to just breathe...

Nic came to visit this weekend. I know it was a sacrfice for her to leave her family and her busy, important job to come to my side... but, I'm so glad she did. There's something about being in a room with a person who makes feel at complete peace. ... You can breathe a little easier, a lot easier. When Nic and I are together we've often tried to figure that sense of peace, sense of comfort out. It's unmatchable. With no one else, can I feel so at ease. With no other friend, can I feel like my total self. We will often say after a visit or trip that it was nice to just "be." There are no fronts we have to put up, no walls, no barriers, no boundaries, no rules, no expectations ... we just "are." And at times of the most difficult struggles when we are apart, it is sometimes hard to breathe without each other. .... This weekend, while Nic was here. It was very nice to just breathe. We didn't have to talk about (as my new friend Deb would say) the giant gorilla in the room. But niether did we sit in silence. We LAUGHED. We watched movies. We shared memories. We shared kid stories. We played with my boys. We just were. We sat on the couch, existing together. It is nice, with Nic... to just be. I love her. With my whole heart, I'm so thankful for the time she gave up to come be a comfort to me this weekend. I'm sad it was so short, but am so blessed for you in my life. Regardless of time or distance between us.

Aunt Nic and Matthew at story time.

Saying goodbye...

Wonder when the next time we'll be able to breathe will be....

CVS finds

This week, I wanted to try the CVS thing again. I knew I wasn't ready to jump back into all the craziness that goes with the ECB world (Extra Care Bucks) but, I wanted to try a little something.

So I made two transactions:

1. Colgate Total $3.99
$1.00 off coupon
paid $2.99 and got back 3.99 in ECB

SCORE!

So that's free toothpaste.

2. Pampers on sale for 8.97
$2.00 off coupon
$3.99 off ECB from previous transaction
paid $2.98 and got back 3.00 in ECB

SCORE!

So, that's 3 dollar Pampers!!! And I have $3.00 off the next transaction I make! Yippie! How awesome is that?!!? WHO buys 3 dollar PAMPERS?! Me! That's who! (The size pampers purchased for $2.98 are normally priced at $11.99! Basically a fourth of the normal price!)

I'm going to probably try another two or three CVS finds again this week. I'm NOT in the market for lots of things, I'm not looking to stockpile from CVS currently. But I am looking to find FREE or nearly FREE there and GET those. We have a small growing pile of free toothpastes which is a nice thing to not have to out right buy, wouldn't you say? And this house is no where near diaper-less, so three dollar diapers, pampers at that, is just way cool.


If you want to know how I figured these deals out, I will flat tell you. I Didn't.

But go here! That link will take you over to the CVS archive on the Southernsavers site. If you follow exactly as it tells you with the "Deal Ideas," you can't go wrong! It breaks it down as simplistically as this:

• Transaction #1
  Buy:
  (1) Colgate Total Toothpaste $3.99
  Use:
  (1) -$1 off Colgate Total SS 3/07
  Total Due: $2.99 (pay with US currency)
  Get Back: $3.99 ECB
• Transaction #2
  Buy:
  (1) Pampers Diapers $8.97
  Use
  -$2 off Pampers PG 3/07
  -$3.99 ECB (from #1)
  Total Due: $2.98
  Get Back: $3 ECB

Enjoy your CVS shopping this week! And if you do anything cool (great find, great deals), come back here and post about it in the comments!

Recovery--ha.

So I apparently "jinxed" myself. Today has been awful. I've been in and out of the loopy state and I've been sick to my stomach and so very sore. Seems like I spoke too soon this morning. Praying that I can keep my meds down tonight and tomorrow will be better. Boo I say, boo.

Recovery

I can already tell a great difference in the recovery from the first surgery and this one. Huge. I don't really remember the first two days after the first surgery. I was in and out way too much. This time though it's not that bad. I'm sore and tender and crampy but not doubled over in horrible pain. So this is good. Maybe "they" are right and I'm going to recovery faster. I'm so thankful that I'm not as loopy as I was the last time. I am taking the pain drugs, but at least I don't feel like I'm missing out, lifeless on the couch. I'm trying to not take more than I actually need. My kids currently are at the kitchen table eating breakfast and Mark is trapped in the high chair until someone else comes to rescue him out, since I'm not supposed to get him down. ... And, I'm so thankful for the help I have coming though, be/c I'm not supposed to be lifting Mark which is basically the hardest thing on the planet for a mother to not do. Okay well I think I'm starting to sound redundant so I'll sign off.

Today

I will be taking my loopy drugs soon, so I wanted to post this before I'm out of it for the rest of the day. ... I just posted what I wrote in the pre-op room waiting for surgery from yesterday. Oy. I'm glad that's all over. So far the pain this time around isn't nearly as bad. So hopefully that means the recovery will be faster. They said it should. You know how "they" are though.

Anyhow, at my appt yesterday, to show you just how Dori I really am... my doc said it had been FIVE years since he did a repeat one. It is really that rare. So that's nice. huh? Boo.

Jamie's off work today and I'm thankful for his help. He currently has taken Mark to go get medicine and the milk we're out of. I had all these great coupon deals lined up to do this week. And I probably will have to scratch those. Bummer. I hate wasting time it took to get the deals sorted. Oh well. C'est la vie.

Okay, I'm going back to the land of the couch now... drug induced night night is soon to come.

Yesterday

This is copy and pasted from a word document, written yesterday (Monday):

Hello Blogging world again from the hospital… As I write this, I have a pulse-o-meter thing in my index finger keeping track of oxygen. I’ve had an IV in my arm, for the past two or three hours… I have about five blankets on and hospital slipper socks. … sigh. Oh annoyance of all mr. blood pressure cuff, currently taking his turn. I’m hitting the backspace a lot, if you’re wondering.

I should have already been in surgery two hours ago, but--- did I mention today that I’m still Dori?... my doctor never showed up, so they let an hour long (or more) procedure go ahead of me. I’ll be laying here for another hour at least, waiting my turn. Thank goodness for Jamie’s laptop… and the sweet nurse who went and got him, when I was near tears asking if he knew that I was in fact okay, and that the surgery hadn’t even started yet. … Oh Yes, that’s right… I’m going to be repeating my D&C again today. Oh the joys....

At my doctor’s appt this morning, I had an exam, blood work and an u/s confirming exactly nothing. They don’t know for sure if there is anything still inside me, but the chances are from the white mass shown on the u/s that it’s either a blot clot or some tissue left from the baby or placenta. Just great. Fabulous. Soooo here I am.

I haven't eaten at all all day not one bite, I’m so hungry I could eat anything and yet I can’t have any food be/c though I should be done with my surgery already, we haven’t started yet…. b/c my doc hasn’t showed up yet. The same doctor who I messed his schedule up three weeks ago, yah, he’s the one now making me STARVE currently

Okay enough about food.

That’s really all I guess, I just wanted to blog this and get my thoughts out there. Course, there’s not internet available but I’ll post these thoughts soon enough.

Thank you to N who’s watching my sweet boys right now and to K as she tries to rally help for the rest of the week. I’m yet again at the mercy of others. It’s a hard but humbling place to be.

That's all for now, it's too hard to type like this.

Holy Pasta! (and more)

Publix this week ROCKS.

Score for five bags of frozen chicken nuggets for the price of two.

Fast Fixin’ Chicken Nuggets, Tenders, Popcorn, or Fries, 23-26 oz, at $5.99 ($2.99)
With $1.00/1 printable = 1.99 times 5 bags = 9.95 total. (I am going to run out of freezer room if I keep up deals like this!)



Score for free yogurt, free sinus/cold spray, free vinegar, $0.49 sour cream and more...


Score for nearly free pasta.

Mueller’s Pasta, including Whole Wheat Pasta, 12-16 oz, at $1.39 (69¢)
With a $0.55/1 printable = $0.14 PER box. .... WHAT?! I got twenty-five (25) boxes of pasta for get this... a whopping $2.38. Basically 25 boxes for the price of ONE normally! Who can resist!? My storage rack is now stocked with an seemingly endless pasta supply! I'm betting we don't have to buy noodles for the next six months!


I spent a total today of $24.85 and saved a total of $78.44. Can you believe that? If I wasn't looking at the receipt currently, I might not myself!

interesting

Interesting enough that I'd post this big long post about being okay with where I was and knowing that God is in control and in charge and still bigger than all my "why?!" because He doesn't owe me one thing..... To then have that tested big time today. Oh my word that was tested today. I could feel a little nagging in my spirit like, "Are you ready to put your money where your mouth is?" Boy, I got a bad hand dealt today, the weight of the "what if" on my shoulder right now COULD be so heavy. For a long time this afternoon/evening I wallowed in the wonder of WHHHHHY and WHAT IF and and and...

For those of you who are staring at the screen in complete bafflement right now, I'll catch you up. I'm still (TMI) having some issues from the surgery. Yes, go ahead, do the math... allow me to help, this is week THREE. And I'm STILL ... so, anyhow, called and talked to my sweet midwife (who will always be "MINE" even if she's not "there") and she said I needed to call and talk to the nurse. Did that. Nurse, D, called me back. D said that Dr. A really wanted me to be seen again first thing monday morning. Pause, while my heart stops. What? Why? I was expecting to be given meds to stop the bleeding and okay, there we go. But no.... he wants me to come in for an exam, Oh Mercy. And more lab work. Oh kill me. And a possible ultrasound. To see the empty black hole on the screen will just rip me apart. Please no... The likelihood is that one out of some random small chance of people (HI. I'm Dori, yes I'm a delay fish) have to actually have a repeat procedure. WHAT?! And at some point tonight after calling and moaning to friends over the phone, I just had to stop and pause and say:

"You do not owe me one thing.
Father, you do not owe me one thing.
Father, you have already given everything.
Father, you do not owe me one thing."

Oh how I wanted to whine and moan and groan. I cried on the phone with two people. Didn't know I was going to do that. I was surprised too by who they were. (MK and K, thank you for letting me). Soooooo. Here I am. I'm just stuck in a land of "wait and see." The dreaded land of "wait and see."

I'm praying I don't have to do a repeat surgery.
I'm praying for Monday to go well and show the doctor exactly what is going on.
I'm praying for God's ultimate healing on my physical body and my dragged through the mud emotional state.

Thanks to all that listen to the ramblings of this page.
Good night.

Giveaway!

One of my most favorite blogs I follow, the coupon goddess, does giveaways often. She's telling us this time around though to post about it on our own blogs for an extra entry and you better believe it, I'll do anything for an extra entry on her site!

SO..... GO HERE!!!! I love her. I love all that she has to offer about life, couponing, motherhood... anything! And this giveaway--- a free big giant stock pot, ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You don't owe me one thing

We're learning a new song at church for our Easter program coming up and I'm in love with one of the songs... The words are simple, the tune is catchy, but the meaning grows and grows and grows in my heart each time it's sung.

"You do not owe me one thing.
Father, you do not owe me one thing.
Father, you have already given everything.
Father, you do not owe me one thing."

Simple enough right?

But oh so powerful.

"You do not owe me one thing.
Father, you do not owe me one thing.
Father, you have already given everything.
Father, you do not owe me one thing."

Say it out loud...

"You do not owe me one thing.
Father, you do not owe me one thing.
Father, you have already given everything.
Father, you do not owe me one thing."

... how true is that?

The song is sort of broken sounded... like this...

"You ...do ...not ...owe... me ...one ...thing.
Father, you ...do not ...owe ...me ...one ...thing.
Father, you ...have al...ready giv...en ev...ery...thing.
Father, you ...do... not ...owe ...me... one ...thing."

Mmm... I'm going to pound this song in my brain and when I want to know "WHY!!!!!!!?!?!!?", I'm going to remember that my FATHER in HEAVEN already GAVE me EVERYTHING. And He doesn't owe me one thing more. GOD has already given me the ultimate gift. He gave up His only Son for me. He gave up His only Son for you. HIS ONLY SON.... HE GAVE HIM. He sent Him down from Glory to a tiny manger, had Him live in a man's body and die a horrible death on the cross so that WE would be FREE. I'm bound by sin no longer, because I have Jesus Christ in my heart!! Satan is not my master, because I have Jesus Christ in my life!!!!!! Sin will not weigh me down and keep me on the floor because the LORD JESUS REIGNS FOREVER!!!!! ... so when I want to shout into the Heavens, "WHY!!?".... I have to remember and sing this song... And though it's hard. And though the tears will fall... I am GRATEFUL for my Lord and Savior. I'm grateful to be a daughter of the Most High King. I'm grateful that I know I'll see my babies again in Heaven some day and that they are already serving their King. ...

In church this past Sunday, we sang these words "When we all get to Heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be. When we all see Jesus, we'll sing and shout the victory." I'm sure you know that hymn... And man, that is the truth for me. When I get to Heaven it will be a day of rejoicing. I'm going to praise my Savior for forever and I'll see the children I never got a chance to hold.

And until that day... I'm going to keep singing this song in my heart, whenever I'm low....

"You do not owe me one thing.
Father, you do not owe me one thing.
Father, you have already given everything.
Father, you do not owe me one thing.

You do not owe me one thing.
Father, you do not owe me one thing.
Father, you have already given everything.
Father, you do not owe me one thing.

You do not owe me one thing.
Father, you do not owe me one thing.
Father, you have already given everything.
Father, you do not owe me one thing."

some good ones

Tomorrow my sweet friend, Jess, leaves. I've been so grateful for the distraction. It's been nuts here, constant constant motion, crazy...but a good crazy. I'm almost nervous to be left alone again. I'm wondering if the silence will bring back the steady stream of tears. But I know I have a good support system here, I know I do. I need to just rely on GOD fully, and place my trust and hope in Him alone. He is my comfort. He is my strength. I know it will be hard, but I have to get back to "normal" life. I'm so thankful for this week. These are some of my favorites from the week, aside from the ones already posted from the IKEA outing.

Ikea

First, because I can't help myself, LOOK at how cute our kids are~
Mark loves this baby. He's just crazy about the baby. ...

And I couldn't help posting a good one of all four,
even if Mark is more interested in the baby than saying cheese...

That out of the way, (they are cute huh?!)

Today was quite interesting. Three adult women took five... five children to IKEA ummm for quite a long time. Two three-year olds, one two-year old, one one-year old, one 3-month old. Friends Leigh and Jess went off to the mega-store without me this morning. ...Let's just say they needed a headstart. I'm soooooo not a shopper. I couldn't think about spending 3, 4, 6, 10 hours in one store. Plus, I had to wait for Matthew since he was in school. So anyhow, I meet up with the posse and they are ready for lunch. I'm thinking... "What?! We're going to eat lunch, in the store?" (did I mention, I'd never been to IKEA before??, well I hadn't.) Do you know they have a cafeteria/restaurant IN this store. Shoot, they don't want you to leave, once you get there, you are THERE... I thought Jess was totally joking but nooooooo, she was dead serious. This was the biggest store I'd ever seen. According to Matthew, it was the "giant-est store ever on the whole world!" Let me tell you that between the three older that could talk, the second youngest who enjoyed hitting me and telling me "no" and the hungry, tired, fussy, sometimes sleeping and then content baby, there was lots of "don't." "stop." "please don't" "please stop" "REALLY, Don't." "please listen" "keep your hands in the cart" "keep all your hands in the cart" "boys!" "boys!" "no hitting" and on and on ... All in all though, ...we handled the crying, hitting, beating, banging, shouting, shrieking, screaming, whining, crying, hitting, potty-ing, crying, running, eating, crying, shouting, laughing and more crying fairly well, I thought.

I pushed the boys.

Jessica and Leigh took turns pushing the bags, the baby and the girl.

The big boys chewing on, screaming into and banging with the cups I did end up buying.

Mark with the ball we didn't buy, much to his sadness...

The crazy mommies and the baby.

Some funny shots of Matthew during "play time" after we'd "shopped."

The icecream the children got after we made it through the madhouse! I thought Leigh was mad for buying them icecream after all that screaming and shouting and whining and and and and... but hey, it calmed them down. All in all, the outing was actually sort of fun and a great distraction. Thanks Jess, for convincing me to go. *wink*

company

One sure fire way to get your mind off your own problems is to have three extra bodies in your house~ I love every minute of it, but it's a work out. Late last night/early this morning, a sweet friend, J, arrived with her two boys to spend the week with me. She has cried with me during this time, both on the phone and reading this blog... she is so sweet to come and drop everything (((Remember that post? If not, go here))) for me this week. We only decided that she was coming Saturday and then yesterday she was packed and on a bus. I am very grateful... I love the distraction.... and the company. *wink* (((From my "drop everything post, she's that friend, I went to. Pretty cool huh?)))

This morning I loved being in the heat of three little boys running around, screaming at each other, cooking/preparing breakfast, making them all sit down, say a blessing, stay put, eat, stay put, eat, finish eating, eat my own breakfast, wipe all the faces and hands, send them back off playing... I love the environment of "busy." When I was telling Nic about it she said, "it sounds kind of like the chaos you thrive in." And she's so right. I love the constant, "Be careful." "don't hurt him." "Watch out." "Please don't lay on the table." "We leave the letters [magnets] on the fridge." "Matthew, be nice." "Markie, don't hit!" and so on. I love it. I love holding babies and sitting on the floor playing train tracks and being surrounded.

I only felt a little down when it was quiet during nap time. Both big boys were sleeping, Mark was content with cheerios and a baby video, the baby was dozing, so my friend and I were just able to sit and talk. We talked about some things we want to do this week. We talked about some feelings I was still holding in. We talked about some personal things... it was good, but also somewhat sad. It was the only time I felt down today... if I was busy and had "things to do" I was good. I was too occupied to stop and dwell on things or even ponder things, but as soon as the house was quiet, I was somber and feeling low. I'm thankful for my J being here. I really am. I'm so glad that the same one person is here to just sit with me and let me be busy or let me be low and venty... Thank you J. I love you. I'm glad you're here.

Psalms 34

A day or two ago, my best friend asked me if I was getting many cards after telling her about the previously mentioned "In Memory" card from Laura and Mike. I told her no, not really. A couple, but really that was fine. They make me cry, regardless of how beautiful they are. Though, those that I am receiving I am saving. Geesh, all I do is cry. .... And, today another beautiful card came in the mail... from her mom. My mom2.

Part of the card says that God's heart knows... that He understands the pain of losing a child, He sees the questions in your mind, He feels the depth of your grief...

How I'm hanging on to those and these words...

"The Lord is close to those whose hearts are breaking." Psalm 34:18 TLB



Psalms 34 (NKJ)

I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2 My soul shall make its boast in the LORD;
The humble shall hear of it and be glad.
3 Oh, magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together.

4 I sought the LORD, and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
5 They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces were not ashamed.
6 This poor man cried out, and the LORD heard him,
And saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel[a] of the LORD encamps all around those who fear Him,
And delivers them.

8 Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
9 Oh, fear the LORD, you His saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him.
10 The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
But those who seek the LORD shall not lack any good thing.

11 Come, you children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.
12 Who is the man who desires life,
And loves many days, that he may see good?
13 Keep your tongue from evil,
And your lips from speaking deceit.
14 Depart from evil and do good;
Seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous,
And His ears are open to their cry.
16 The face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
To cut off the remembrance of them from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.

19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.
20 He guards all his bones;
Not one of them is broken.
21 Evil shall slay the wicked,
And those who hate the righteous shall be condemned.
22 The LORD redeems the soul of His servants,
And none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned.

In Memory

The front of the card reads:

In Memory.
"Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid... for the LORD they God... will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." Deuteronomy 31:6

Inside along with a beautiful note, the card also reads:
In Memory of:
Baby Hobbs

One
Gideon-Placed Bible is being provided by the H's.

(The sender of this card made a donation to The Gideons International in the name of Baby Hobbs)

.....

I'm amazed.

I'm so touched.

NOTHING so far has touched me like this.

Laura and Mike, my soon to be family-in-law, I can't thank you enough for this gift.

I received this beautiful card yesterday in the mail and I just cried. Oh I cried and cried. Good tears... ;) ...I kept thinking about all the "WHY"s I'd been shouting in my head. God knew. I find some comfort thinking that someone out there in the world will receive this Bible with the words "Baby Hobbs" in it. They might not know that it means Baby Hobbs is gone, they might not be able to read his name, but they'll get that Bible. Someone in the world will have the gospel of Jesus Christ in their hands because of Mike and Laura's love and compassion... because our baby went to see his Savior. Someone may come to know Christ Jesus as Lord over all because of our baby. I will be praying for this someone daily. I will be lifting up this nameless, faceless precious one who may know Christ at this cost. God already knows who it is. ... I'm so moved. I'm so touched. Laura and Mike, this has blessed me and Jamie so much. You may never fully understand or be aware of the great joy and treasure your generous gift was. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

If you ever have a need and could send a donation in memory of someone to the Gideon Bibles, please do so. What a gift. What a treasured treasured gift. Please go here. See this. For more information about the Gideon ministries, go here.

God's Timing

I am just constantly thinking of how AMAZING God is. How amazing His TIMING is. ... I'd like to recap...


Five weeks ago at my normal, good, baby still alive appt... midwife K wanted to see me in 6 weeks. That would be next Wed. But I didn't want to wait that long... I could right now not know anything was wrong... I wasn't alone when I found out. I'm not waiting in turmoil wondering if the baby will make it.

Wed at the appt, she went into the u/s room with me. Normally it's just you and the tech. I've never in probably 5-10 ultrasounds ever had K go in with me. But this time she did. And when the u/s tech said nothing, K came around to hold my hand. I wasn't alone.

Wed at the hospital, Jamie was driving as fast as he could (ahem) but I was still alone for a bit of time. I didn't call this friend, and I didn't ask for her to come, but come she did. I again, wasn't alone while I waited for Jamie.

Thursday... Oh Thursday. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to cry the whole day. I wanted to wallow in the awfulness. But God didn't allow that. I did cry on and off, but it wasn't the whole day. God let Jamie come back home from work only a short time from getting there. He brought a friend over with dinner and when I really did need to be alone, he sent more friends to sit with me while Jamie and Matthew went to pick up my mom. I wasn't ever alone more than 10 minutes the whole day. He didn't allow me to wallow. God never left me, and was holding my hands with all those different people.

Friday. Surgery Day. While going through the registration, the lady checking us in's radio was playing "Hold my Heart". Jamie whispered in my ear "there it is again." I said "what??" Not even had heard it yet... he said, "That song. It's been my theme song the past two days." My eyes filled as I listened. I'd already been singing the chorus in my head the past two days too. ...

As we went through the pre-op stuff, I was ordered another u/s to triple make sure. There was something horrifying about them going in after my baby, and "what if" the heart was actually still beating. What if they took life out of my womb... I let slow silent tears fill my eyes and slide down my cheeks as I watched the u/s tech look one more time at the screen. This time it was slightly turned in my direction. Thank you God. I was able to almost see for myself. I held Jamie's hand the whole time. In my head, I was saying good bye. I was able to find a small moment of peace, looking at the screen, seeing the baby's formed body and whispering "Goodbye. Mommy Loves You." in my head. In that room, I was not alone.

We walked back to pre-op. My midwife was there. God I love her. K, I love you. She hugged me. She held my hand. And when my doctor ... decided... to be... a snippity creep without any bedside manners or compassion... she squeezed that hand harder. She said "we're not afraid of Dr. A." ... after he told me that I didn't need another u/s since I'd only had one two days before. K spoke up, she said "I ordered it. It was for peace of mind." Dr. A then snipped again "At least I know who the culprit is, I'll be behind schedule all day." ... I could feel my precious husband tense up, I felt my heart in my chest, K griped my hand tighter, she said "it's okay. It was for peace of mind. It was needed. We're not off schedule." She never faltered. She didn't back down. She stood up for me and for my baby. And I love her. ... In that awful moment without the doctor's compassion, I was not alone.

On Saturday, when I was recovering, and my sweet K called to check on me, and she said "honey I have some bad news, can you handle bad news right now?"... and she told me she was no longer employed at my OBGYN's office... that she and another had been let go... and I think about how I could still be pregnant right now, (oh I want to be) but I could be. and she could be gone. And I could be without the only person in the world I would want delivering my babies... and I am again unable to deny God's persistant presence and perfect timing in my life. HE knew we couldn't wait for Monday or Tuesday. HE knew it had to be Friday. HE knew I needed K on Friday. For three hours before, during and after surgery she held my hand... but HE knew that after that I'd be without her... and yet. even with that knowledge now, I am not alone.


I thank you Jesus, for allowing my mom to come down and to be with my boys and to take Matthew to the circus for me for the first time and to hold me and to help me. I'm thankful that K was allowed to be by my side once more in the time I needed her so badly. I'm so thankful that you allowed Jamie to grieve on Sunday at church and when he needed you, Lord, he wasn't alone. I thank you for the continued help between my moms club and our amazing church family. I am so blessed by the love and support coming from all sides. I know you're hand is on this. And I know that I don't understand. Father please hold us. Lord please continue to be our beacon. I need you Lord.


It doesn't make it hurt any less.... but it's so comforting and makes me wonder what the hurt would be like, without the knowledge that our Lord JESUS, is, in control.