Wednesday, December 10, 2008

appt update (the emotional version)

So I know people are awaiting the update from today's appt and frankly I just don't want to discuss it (though I'm about to)... *pout* I'm really fragile right now and don't want any "oh it will be alright" "everything will work out" comments. I know that. I know the point of having a baby is to HAVE a baby-- regardless of how it gets had, but... as mentioned I just feel fragile. I feel very defeated and I've been on and off crying since about 2:30. If someone could please shut the faucet off, I'd gladly stop the waterworks.

Good news: 1. the baby is fine. There doesn't seem to be anything that is concerning my MW about the kidney functions right now, which was our biggest concern with the previous ultrasound results. They still MAY get tested AFTER delivery, but for now, all in the clear. 2. My fluid levels are lower than where they were the previous u/s and are well within the normal range now. 3. I saw my MW today and not someone else! (last week I saw a fill in--bah).

Eh news: The baby is currently measuring at 8 pounds 9 ounces according to the u/s tech's measurements. NOW-- I do know that they can't be completly accurate. It's possible that this number could be plus or minus up to TWO pounds... so we're looking at a baby anywhere from 7-11 pounds right now, give or take. OR it could be right on at 8.9 ...

Bad news: They wont let me try to push out anything over 10 pounds... So, if I'm measuring 8.9 today, by Monday that could be 9, by Friday next week that could be 9.5, by Monday the following week that could be 10, by Christmas.... you get the point. BUT they also wont induce me if I'm not doing SOMETHING in the dialation department. For the past three appts now, it's only been a finger tip. If I can't get to a one, she can't break my water for me, and thus, I can't induce...

There's no reason to say I will or wont go into labor on my own, expect with Matthew he was induced 4 days before his due date, and I didn't go into labor... and he didn't react well to the induction. The risks are starting to outweigh the other, and I'm just wounded. I really want to prove (to myself) I can do this. That I can birth a child. That my body was designed and made perfectly -- but that's a really horrible thing to say. My mom had both my sister and me by c-section. Do I think any less of her body? no. Any less of her ability to still be a perfectly made woman? no. ...So why would I think such of myself??? I HAVE NO IDEA--- but it's tearing me up.

I just want the chance to try.

I just want the ability to say I tried.

I don't want another section. I don't want to be cut open. I don't want to be recovering for 6-8 weeks after a section-- WITH a toddler at home. I don't want to go through all the above without my family here. I don't want... *groan*

I'm such a whiner! UGH! I hate myself for feeling like this, I really do. But I just can't stop it.

As I sit here and new tears are starting to fall, Jamie just said to me "please stop making yourself cry." My poor husband. I love him so much. I truly don't know how he deals with me. And I'm so blessed by him. by his love. by his support-- the strong silent type, but still support it is. I'm so blessed by his devotion and his tenderness. I love him for keeping me focused on the prize, not on the journey.

I also love my Nic. Thankyou, friend for being the voice of sanity (and not reason) when I needed you today.

I know God is in control. I know that the ultimate goal is a HEALTHY baby. The means is not as important as the ends in this case. But my heart and my brain aren't on the same channel today.

So.
All that said to say... Nothing is happening still. Yes, I'm still pregnant. No, I'm not carrying twins... .YES I AM SURE (Ugh, if one more person asks me that, I may just start bawling in front of them) Yes, the baby is big. No I don't know when we're going go have it. NO I STILL HAVEN'T HAD IT. (no, I still don't know what it is!) ...

My next appt is Monday morning. PRAYING for ANY kind of progression.

6 comments:

Amy said...

Kate - Im doing the dilation dance for you!! I know that feeling of 'this will never end and I will never feel human again and I will never stop crying' ... its STINKY!!! Sending prayers to you and your little sweetie to start her (I say her LOL I dont know!?) movement towards the light!! (((HUGS))))

Nic said...

You know I'm always here and I'll be the voice of sanity, reason, insanity... whatever you need, whenever you need me. I'm so sorry to hear you feeling so broken and fragile --- I now know truly how hard it was on YOU to be the best friend at the end of my pregnancy with Allie when I was in such poor shape. This sucks an enormous amount, I just want to be there with you, instead of here and I just want to make things better instead of just listen and distract you. :-( Anyway, I'm here, I'll always be here, and I love you.

AWillman said...

We all have a dream of our children arrival because just as our wedding day it is something we've envisioned all our lives....I hope you get the dream you desire most...

Unknown said...

Kate, sending love and warmth your way.
-Liz

Laelia Watt said...

Oh man. That does sound frustrating. Question: Is it always necessary to induce when progress isn't shown right "on schedule"? My mom always says, "the baby comes when it is ready" I came a whole MONTH late and my birth was the easiest for my mom out of my five siblings! Do doctors not just let you WAIT anymore or do you have to have the baby on the day they decided it is supposed to come?

Kate said...

Laelia, most wont let you go past a week or two late anymore...