Charleston

This past week, I decided to hang out in Charleston. Matthew had his Spring Break so it was a good time to just get out of the house and be gone. Also, as God would work out things perfectly, my dear friend Nancy needed assistance bringing her son to her, as she'd gone to help her best friend and it was my joy to repay some of the kindness and goodness she's shown me over the past months. In Charleston, it was nice to just relax at Grandma and Papa's house. We took in the beach one day. And the next day we toured the USS Yorktown (aircraft carrier) and the USS Clamagore (submarine). We also were able to take in a game of Kimby pitching! The cousins all had a great time hanging out. Matthew is ALMOST old enough to tag with the big boys without being too much in the way. Mark of course isn't yet. But that's okay. We enjoyed the time with family and the "vacation" feeling of the trip. We missed Daddy who had to stay at home and make the money, but we'll do a real vacation with him later on in the summer we hope! Enjoy the picture recap!

Jonathan and Matthew in the car:

got gas and put in a movie for the kiddos on our trip down

At the beach:

Matthew was very brave.
I was so proud of him going into the water with no fear!

Look at how far he went without me!

Jonathan and Matthew having fun!

After the water got too cold, we started digging in the sand

Mark eventually tired out. (He didn't like the sand anyhow)

At Papa's house:

Papa got home from work and took the boys out to play.

Matthew loved getting to walk Missy.

Grandma found an old bike in the garage and Matthew loved that!

The next day the cousins got there!
This is Matthew "helping" (watching) Bryton play his video game.


At Yorktown:

In front of the model outside.

Down in the depths of the sub.

Mark enjoyed the stroller when he wasn't in Uncle Rick's arms.

Matthew in the cockpit of a F9F plane (tied down of course)

I teared up more than once at this moment,
and how much my dad would have loved it.

Matthew thought he was the king of the world.
He asked to go back in there three more times.

On the flight deck...

Matthew on a gun, thinking he was hot stuff!

At the ball field:

Mark wasn't a fan of the stroller here, but he liked the Mark-size chair!

Besides Matthew in the cockpit of the F9F, I think this is the best picture I took all week. ... Grandma and Papa with all four of their grandkids. In age order, youngest to oldest: Mark, Matthew, Bryton, Shelton.

Christo Anesti!

Christo Anesti-- Christ has Risen!

Easter has always been a hard holiday for me. When we were little, my grandpa did Easter big. We did the egg coloring thing and the hunting eggs thing... Grandpa loved doing Easter. When I was nine, though, my grandpa went to Heaven. Easter pretty much stopped at our house for a while. I remember my dad hiding funny things, random things, sometimes a five dollar bill for us to find, but the eggs and the traditional Easter things stopped. I don't remember missing them. At some point, my great-grandma took it over, and we'd go color eggs with her... but for my parents, I don't think it was ever the same after grandpa died. Some things in life, just weren't. For the first couple years of my marriage, Easter was just another day. It was a great celebration at church, but that was all. I enjoy each year being in the choir and working hard on our Easter program, but after church, Easter sort of stopped. We've never been ones to have a set menu on Easter or do a certain thing with family, it just was another day.

But it shouldn't be!!!! Easter is the best day of the whole year! Christ has risen! He is no longer in the grave. DEATH couldn't hold Him! Last year, because Mark was so small still, I didn't sing with the choir for the Easter program. Because of this, we traveled to Jamie's grandma and spent the weekend with his family and enjoyed the kids and the excitement they had in finding Easter eggs. We'd not done that with Matthew yet. Last year was his first egg hunt. So, this year we decided to do it again. I did sing with the choir on Easter, so we couldn't travel to family, but we enjoyed each other none-the-less. We had a beautiful day at church. I loved the breakfast buffet that our church family did. Eating one meal with extended "family" was wonderful. Then the church service was amazing. The singing, inspiring. The sermon, moving. Afterwards, the kids napped and Jamie and I rested on the couch with a movie. After naps, we found eggs in the yard and "had our Easter baskets." The Easter Bunny did not come to our house and I think Matthew was a little bit sad, since some friends at church were talking about what the Easter Bunny had left at their houses that morning, but I wasn't about to start that now. He had an Easter basket because his mommy and daddy love him. And because Jesus gave us the best gift ever, we also give our gifts. (Same song at Christmas: God gave us the best gift, by sending His Son, so we share in gift giving to remember God's gift). Matthew seemed okay by the explanation and he enjoyed his basket and all it had for him. Enjoy the pictures. And Happy Easter to you all!

Grandma's visit

This past week, Grandma came to visit. It was a nice time. We had a good visit and it was refreshing having a constant steady help in the house instead of people rotating. Not saying rotating help is bad! Oh my, I don't know what we would have done without it, but there is something just calming about not having to find a new face every morning and face someone else. The boys needed a bit of consistency too. We're slowly finding our way back to normal though, now that she's gone and we're back on our own. Not for too long though, as next week we plan to spend a few days at her house.

Also, while she was here, Mark started using a spoon! I think Matthew's first spoon usage was yogurt, Mark got applesauce. It was fun! I'm glad she was here to witness a "first"!

something special

I've tried since Saturday evening to figure out the words I want to use for this posting... I still am not sure I have it right in my mind.

I talk about Nic's sweet friendship... and it's so much more it's something special. Something that is unmatchable...

But sometimes, I'm so blown away. I'm so moved and touched by the other people-- women in my life who love me and care for me and comfort me and keep me safe. For a long time in my life, I felt alone. I felt worthless. I felt unimportant. For a long time in my life, I felt used, tolerated, abandoned... depressed... angry...

It took the grace of God to pull me out of a downward spiral.

My amazing husband found me and pulled me out of a world of self pity and waste.

Since knowing him, I've found myself. I've become closer to God through his example as a Christian. I've been able to change my habits to model his. I've been able to change my thinking to model Christ's. I've found that I'm never alone. I'm not worthless. Jamie and more importantly, God, loves me and cares for me. And promises that He has a plan for me. (Jer 29:11). Now... as a mother, I know I'm important. And I don't mean that in a haughty-taughty way. I just mean, I now have a JOB to raise these boys. And to raise them right. And to love them. And to cherish them. And to give them and Jamie a safe and loving place of rest each day. It's hard with toddlers to think about this sometimes. There is a lot more screaming some days than kind words. There are tantrums and time outs and such. But it is my job to show love. To be love. To exemplify love.

I've rabbit trailed... (Alice! Come back!)

I just want to say that I'm so blessed...

When we moved to GA after living my whole life in MO... I knew no one. Not a soul. Yet, God found us a church to call home. And we began our journey with it. In five years, I've felt more connected to my church family than any other group of people outside my own home, I've ever ever felt. ... You have friends in high school, and you think they'll be your forever friends... but life happens and you part ways. Most if not all of these friends will be lost... You start all over in college and make new friends, but again, life happens and you go your separate ways. Most of these friends will also be lost... I'm in a Moms Club now, and I love it. I've grown very close to a handful of women who support me and help me and love on my kids... but I'd wonder if we moved and had to part ways, would some of them stay in my life or would we eventually lose touch.... I'd like to hope a couple would remain in my life.... Never before though in the different stages of my life, have I ever felt such a family bond with a church family before. I'm so often blown away by the kindness, compassion, love, acceptance. Over the last five years, I've grown so attached to certain families... And sometimes, you just wonder if it's one sided. You know, you play that game of "does she like me as much as I like her?" or "does she really think I'm annoying or does she really like me?" or "do you think she just puts up with us or does she really like having us over?" ... people play mind games. We're great at second guessing ourselves, doubting ourselves... It's still sometimes a mystery to me just how deep some friendships can be now. In the past several months, I've traveled to help a friend twice, been in the room with another friend while she labored and delivered a baby, stayed up holding a different friend's baby so she could get some sleep (er, cleaning done--ha). We've had help financially from a friend, we've had help physically from a friend, I've had more meals brought to us this month than I prepared myself, friends have donated time to come and sit on my couch and hold my children while I couldn't... ... God has so blessed me with deep true friendships here in GA. And I'm so grateful, because my mom and my sister and my Nic are just too far away. I'm so thankful for the friendships here. I'm so thankful for the love we've found here...

(Again, Alice... come back out of the rabbit hole... )

I say all this ... ALL this... To say thank you.

Thank you so much to some very special friends who have been holding me up these past long days. I almost hate to list any for fear of overlooking anyone... So I wont do that. But I will just share something special with you.

Whoever reads this, whoever you are, somewhere out there, this is my something special... It came by mail, with no note, no card, no name... I do know now who sent it, but even if I'd never had found out... The amount of time and energy it must have taken to orchestrate this precious, perfect, beautiful memorial is overwhelming. I know that God knows my baby's name even if I don't... I know that while he was still in my womb, God knew him. Even before then, God knew him... both babies...(Ps 139) I'm so grateful for this gift to remember them... And I'm so grateful for friendships like these in my life. I wish the pictures were more clear, because this doesn't capture the perfection...

on the front it says "Angel Baby" twice

on the back it says "1st Samuel 1:27-28"

it came with this card

To this friend, one of my dearest friends... thank you. Thank you so much. You will never know the extreme impact of your gift to me. You will never know how I can hold on to something tangible now and I don't have to wonder if this, if they, will be forgotten. You do not know the amount of emotion that sweeps through me when I put this around my neck. You do not know the amount of emotion that floored through me, when my sweet husband kissed the circle, while I was wearing it yesterday. You do not know the intense wave of emotion that flows through me knowing that my angel babies have something tangible, here with me. Something that I can hold.

I sat yesterday in Matthew's room. Matthew on my side, Mark in my lap, my hand on my necklace... finding a glimmer of peace.



I'd like to take a moment to recognize the company. LaBelleDame.com says they are jewelry to support the spirit. Healing Jewelry. Memorial Jewelry. You should check it out, and tuck it away in your history. God forbid you'd ever have to have need to use the site yourself... Thank you to Kimberly in Canada, for creating such beautiful, meaningful, healing jewelry.

^{1 Samuel 1:27-28}

For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition which I asked of Him. Therefore I also have lent him to the LORD; as long as he lives he shall be lent to the LORD.” So they worshiped the LORD there.

to just breathe...

Nic came to visit this weekend. I know it was a sacrfice for her to leave her family and her busy, important job to come to my side... but, I'm so glad she did. There's something about being in a room with a person who makes feel at complete peace. ... You can breathe a little easier, a lot easier. When Nic and I are together we've often tried to figure that sense of peace, sense of comfort out. It's unmatchable. With no one else, can I feel so at ease. With no other friend, can I feel like my total self. We will often say after a visit or trip that it was nice to just "be." There are no fronts we have to put up, no walls, no barriers, no boundaries, no rules, no expectations ... we just "are." And at times of the most difficult struggles when we are apart, it is sometimes hard to breathe without each other. .... This weekend, while Nic was here. It was very nice to just breathe. We didn't have to talk about (as my new friend Deb would say) the giant gorilla in the room. But niether did we sit in silence. We LAUGHED. We watched movies. We shared memories. We shared kid stories. We played with my boys. We just were. We sat on the couch, existing together. It is nice, with Nic... to just be. I love her. With my whole heart, I'm so thankful for the time she gave up to come be a comfort to me this weekend. I'm sad it was so short, but am so blessed for you in my life. Regardless of time or distance between us.

Aunt Nic and Matthew at story time.

Saying goodbye...

Wonder when the next time we'll be able to breathe will be....

CVS finds

This week, I wanted to try the CVS thing again. I knew I wasn't ready to jump back into all the craziness that goes with the ECB world (Extra Care Bucks) but, I wanted to try a little something.

So I made two transactions:

1. Colgate Total $3.99
$1.00 off coupon
paid $2.99 and got back 3.99 in ECB

SCORE!

So that's free toothpaste.

2. Pampers on sale for 8.97
$2.00 off coupon
$3.99 off ECB from previous transaction
paid $2.98 and got back 3.00 in ECB

SCORE!

So, that's 3 dollar Pampers!!! And I have $3.00 off the next transaction I make! Yippie! How awesome is that?!!? WHO buys 3 dollar PAMPERS?! Me! That's who! (The size pampers purchased for $2.98 are normally priced at $11.99! Basically a fourth of the normal price!)

I'm going to probably try another two or three CVS finds again this week. I'm NOT in the market for lots of things, I'm not looking to stockpile from CVS currently. But I am looking to find FREE or nearly FREE there and GET those. We have a small growing pile of free toothpastes which is a nice thing to not have to out right buy, wouldn't you say? And this house is no where near diaper-less, so three dollar diapers, pampers at that, is just way cool.


If you want to know how I figured these deals out, I will flat tell you. I Didn't.

But go here! That link will take you over to the CVS archive on the Southernsavers site. If you follow exactly as it tells you with the "Deal Ideas," you can't go wrong! It breaks it down as simplistically as this:

• Transaction #1
  Buy:
  (1) Colgate Total Toothpaste $3.99
  Use:
  (1) -$1 off Colgate Total SS 3/07
  Total Due: $2.99 (pay with US currency)
  Get Back: $3.99 ECB
• Transaction #2
  Buy:
  (1) Pampers Diapers $8.97
  Use
  -$2 off Pampers PG 3/07
  -$3.99 ECB (from #1)
  Total Due: $2.98
  Get Back: $3 ECB

Enjoy your CVS shopping this week! And if you do anything cool (great find, great deals), come back here and post about it in the comments!

Recovery--ha.

So I apparently "jinxed" myself. Today has been awful. I've been in and out of the loopy state and I've been sick to my stomach and so very sore. Seems like I spoke too soon this morning. Praying that I can keep my meds down tonight and tomorrow will be better. Boo I say, boo.

Recovery

I can already tell a great difference in the recovery from the first surgery and this one. Huge. I don't really remember the first two days after the first surgery. I was in and out way too much. This time though it's not that bad. I'm sore and tender and crampy but not doubled over in horrible pain. So this is good. Maybe "they" are right and I'm going to recovery faster. I'm so thankful that I'm not as loopy as I was the last time. I am taking the pain drugs, but at least I don't feel like I'm missing out, lifeless on the couch. I'm trying to not take more than I actually need. My kids currently are at the kitchen table eating breakfast and Mark is trapped in the high chair until someone else comes to rescue him out, since I'm not supposed to get him down. ... And, I'm so thankful for the help I have coming though, be/c I'm not supposed to be lifting Mark which is basically the hardest thing on the planet for a mother to not do. Okay well I think I'm starting to sound redundant so I'll sign off.

Today

I will be taking my loopy drugs soon, so I wanted to post this before I'm out of it for the rest of the day. ... I just posted what I wrote in the pre-op room waiting for surgery from yesterday. Oy. I'm glad that's all over. So far the pain this time around isn't nearly as bad. So hopefully that means the recovery will be faster. They said it should. You know how "they" are though.

Anyhow, at my appt yesterday, to show you just how Dori I really am... my doc said it had been FIVE years since he did a repeat one. It is really that rare. So that's nice. huh? Boo.

Jamie's off work today and I'm thankful for his help. He currently has taken Mark to go get medicine and the milk we're out of. I had all these great coupon deals lined up to do this week. And I probably will have to scratch those. Bummer. I hate wasting time it took to get the deals sorted. Oh well. C'est la vie.

Okay, I'm going back to the land of the couch now... drug induced night night is soon to come.

Yesterday

This is copy and pasted from a word document, written yesterday (Monday):

Hello Blogging world again from the hospital… As I write this, I have a pulse-o-meter thing in my index finger keeping track of oxygen. I’ve had an IV in my arm, for the past two or three hours… I have about five blankets on and hospital slipper socks. … sigh. Oh annoyance of all mr. blood pressure cuff, currently taking his turn. I’m hitting the backspace a lot, if you’re wondering.

I should have already been in surgery two hours ago, but--- did I mention today that I’m still Dori?... my doctor never showed up, so they let an hour long (or more) procedure go ahead of me. I’ll be laying here for another hour at least, waiting my turn. Thank goodness for Jamie’s laptop… and the sweet nurse who went and got him, when I was near tears asking if he knew that I was in fact okay, and that the surgery hadn’t even started yet. … Oh Yes, that’s right… I’m going to be repeating my D&C again today. Oh the joys....

At my doctor’s appt this morning, I had an exam, blood work and an u/s confirming exactly nothing. They don’t know for sure if there is anything still inside me, but the chances are from the white mass shown on the u/s that it’s either a blot clot or some tissue left from the baby or placenta. Just great. Fabulous. Soooo here I am.

I haven't eaten at all all day not one bite, I’m so hungry I could eat anything and yet I can’t have any food be/c though I should be done with my surgery already, we haven’t started yet…. b/c my doc hasn’t showed up yet. The same doctor who I messed his schedule up three weeks ago, yah, he’s the one now making me STARVE currently

Okay enough about food.

That’s really all I guess, I just wanted to blog this and get my thoughts out there. Course, there’s not internet available but I’ll post these thoughts soon enough.

Thank you to N who’s watching my sweet boys right now and to K as she tries to rally help for the rest of the week. I’m yet again at the mercy of others. It’s a hard but humbling place to be.

That's all for now, it's too hard to type like this.