something special

I've tried since Saturday evening to figure out the words I want to use for this posting... I still am not sure I have it right in my mind.

I talk about Nic's sweet friendship... and it's so much more it's something special. Something that is unmatchable...

But sometimes, I'm so blown away. I'm so moved and touched by the other people-- women in my life who love me and care for me and comfort me and keep me safe. For a long time in my life, I felt alone. I felt worthless. I felt unimportant. For a long time in my life, I felt used, tolerated, abandoned... depressed... angry...

It took the grace of God to pull me out of a downward spiral.

My amazing husband found me and pulled me out of a world of self pity and waste.

Since knowing him, I've found myself. I've become closer to God through his example as a Christian. I've been able to change my habits to model his. I've been able to change my thinking to model Christ's. I've found that I'm never alone. I'm not worthless. Jamie and more importantly, God, loves me and cares for me. And promises that He has a plan for me. (Jer 29:11). Now... as a mother, I know I'm important. And I don't mean that in a haughty-taughty way. I just mean, I now have a JOB to raise these boys. And to raise them right. And to love them. And to cherish them. And to give them and Jamie a safe and loving place of rest each day. It's hard with toddlers to think about this sometimes. There is a lot more screaming some days than kind words. There are tantrums and time outs and such. But it is my job to show love. To be love. To exemplify love.

I've rabbit trailed... (Alice! Come back!)

I just want to say that I'm so blessed...

When we moved to GA after living my whole life in MO... I knew no one. Not a soul. Yet, God found us a church to call home. And we began our journey with it. In five years, I've felt more connected to my church family than any other group of people outside my own home, I've ever ever felt. ... You have friends in high school, and you think they'll be your forever friends... but life happens and you part ways. Most if not all of these friends will be lost... You start all over in college and make new friends, but again, life happens and you go your separate ways. Most of these friends will also be lost... I'm in a Moms Club now, and I love it. I've grown very close to a handful of women who support me and help me and love on my kids... but I'd wonder if we moved and had to part ways, would some of them stay in my life or would we eventually lose touch.... I'd like to hope a couple would remain in my life.... Never before though in the different stages of my life, have I ever felt such a family bond with a church family before. I'm so often blown away by the kindness, compassion, love, acceptance. Over the last five years, I've grown so attached to certain families... And sometimes, you just wonder if it's one sided. You know, you play that game of "does she like me as much as I like her?" or "does she really think I'm annoying or does she really like me?" or "do you think she just puts up with us or does she really like having us over?" ... people play mind games. We're great at second guessing ourselves, doubting ourselves... It's still sometimes a mystery to me just how deep some friendships can be now. In the past several months, I've traveled to help a friend twice, been in the room with another friend while she labored and delivered a baby, stayed up holding a different friend's baby so she could get some sleep (er, cleaning done--ha). We've had help financially from a friend, we've had help physically from a friend, I've had more meals brought to us this month than I prepared myself, friends have donated time to come and sit on my couch and hold my children while I couldn't... ... God has so blessed me with deep true friendships here in GA. And I'm so grateful, because my mom and my sister and my Nic are just too far away. I'm so thankful for the friendships here. I'm so thankful for the love we've found here...

(Again, Alice... come back out of the rabbit hole... )

I say all this ... ALL this... To say thank you.

Thank you so much to some very special friends who have been holding me up these past long days. I almost hate to list any for fear of overlooking anyone... So I wont do that. But I will just share something special with you.

Whoever reads this, whoever you are, somewhere out there, this is my something special... It came by mail, with no note, no card, no name... I do know now who sent it, but even if I'd never had found out... The amount of time and energy it must have taken to orchestrate this precious, perfect, beautiful memorial is overwhelming. I know that God knows my baby's name even if I don't... I know that while he was still in my womb, God knew him. Even before then, God knew him... both babies...(Ps 139) I'm so grateful for this gift to remember them... And I'm so grateful for friendships like these in my life. I wish the pictures were more clear, because this doesn't capture the perfection...

on the front it says "Angel Baby" twice

on the back it says "1st Samuel 1:27-28"

it came with this card

To this friend, one of my dearest friends... thank you. Thank you so much. You will never know the extreme impact of your gift to me. You will never know how I can hold on to something tangible now and I don't have to wonder if this, if they, will be forgotten. You do not know the amount of emotion that sweeps through me when I put this around my neck. You do not know the amount of emotion that floored through me, when my sweet husband kissed the circle, while I was wearing it yesterday. You do not know the intense wave of emotion that flows through me knowing that my angel babies have something tangible, here with me. Something that I can hold.

I sat yesterday in Matthew's room. Matthew on my side, Mark in my lap, my hand on my necklace... finding a glimmer of peace.



I'd like to take a moment to recognize the company. LaBelleDame.com says they are jewelry to support the spirit. Healing Jewelry. Memorial Jewelry. You should check it out, and tuck it away in your history. God forbid you'd ever have to have need to use the site yourself... Thank you to Kimberly in Canada, for creating such beautiful, meaningful, healing jewelry.

^{1 Samuel 1:27-28}

For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition which I asked of Him. Therefore I also have lent him to the LORD; as long as he lives he shall be lent to the LORD.” So they worshiped the LORD there.

What's next?

Friday, March 28, 2008

What's next?

So I find myself wondering: What will I post about next? What should I "catch up" on? But really, who needs catching up? Those who know me now and know me dear, already know all that I'd write in a catch up post. (I was told that one year about my Christmas letter, but I still like to write those things!) Those that don't already know, probably don't need to know all the backlog. The intro and snapshots of history is probably enough. And anyone who doesn't think so well, they can just ask about anything that they want to know. Sooo... that leaves me with today. Where are we today?

Today, I'm "here." I keep adding that as my status update on facebook. I might write what I'm really doing sometimes, but I keep coming back to the word "here." I'm trying to remain content and satisfied with where we are now, and to not get discouraged with what's happened or what might be to come. (For those of you wondering what in the world is this girl rambling on about... don't worry, I'll tell you. For those of you who don't want to read all about "The diary of a sad woman"-- stop here).

A month ago tomorrow I started bleeding and we lost a tiny baby I carried in my womb. It's hard to think already a month has gone by since that traumatic day. I haven't talked much about it out loud. A little bit on a public message board when the "it" was happening and a little bit to a few select friends over the phone... but nothing to compare the the arm loads of something I feel is still inside me. At times I want to shout or scream or beg God to tell me 'why'... But I'm reminded of His grace. His grace is sufficient for me. And His grace is enough. A friend of a friend of mine who has adopted a precious boy claims this verse. I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD. And he worshiped the LORD there. 1 Samuel 1 27-28 She doesn't know I've borrowed it. I am hoping she doesn't mind. I did pray for her child. And I did pray for this babe of mine. And now I do have to give him over to the Lord. I can't keep him... He was never mine to keep anyhow. Our gracious God in heaven gives us the blessing of children, but they are just a gift. They are His. They are His to love and hold and want. They are His to nurture and nourish. And they are His to take home when He so chooses. I'll never forget the date He needed mine to come back home to Him... Leap year Friday, 2-29-08. I don't know why I'm writing all this but it's healthy in some scheme of things I'm sure. At least I know the tears are. It's been a while since I cried about it. I wasn't pregnant long and that's been a hard fact. People will say "oh that's good that it was so early." But how can that be? Does it mean that my pregnancy was any less important or desired than one who might lose her baby at a later date? I'd guess not. Or people will say "oh that's just the body's natural way of handling something that was wrong with the baby since it was so early." That's what the doctor said that Friday night in the ER. He told me in most cases when the body aborted the baby "this early" it was 99% of the time an issue in development. It is at that comment I found myself crying to my husband later... "couldn't we have loved a baby who might not have developed all the way?" and that of course is only for us to wonder and God to know. I did love that baby. I do love that baby. From the moment we said we were going to start trying for a sibling for Matthew I prayed that God would bless us again. And He did. You know I never asked Him to bless me with a list of requirements attached to the blessing. I never thought that this could really happen.

In one of the two really lengthy conversations about all the transpiring events I told my best friend more than I think she wanted to hear. But I'm glad she let me ramble on anyhow. She told me how she truly just can't imagine what I'm going through right now. I told her this comment and I mean it all the more every day... "I know that this IS a reality, but I just never thought it would be MY reality." But it is now. This is part of my reality forever now. Part of me wants to plaster a big billboard somewhere that says "DID YOU KNOW?! 1 in 4. ONE IN FOUR pregnancies end in a miscarriage." 1 in 4? 1 in 4. Did you know that? That means two things to me. 1. Line up four women and chances are one of them has had a miscarriage, or will have one. and 2. Take a woman who's had more than four pregnancies and chances are she's lost one herself. That's not any small thing. 1 in 4. That's 25% of all pregnancies. All... ....All I know is that Jesus has one pretty huge lap. Because I know He's holding all those babies up there. But seriously, did you know that? Do your female love-ones know that? Tell someone. That's a pretty daunting statistic and I didn't know it until my nurse practitioner told it to me afterwards.

I could continue on with my ramblings but I think I've exhausted all that "needed" to come out. With all that said... I will ask for something... I will ask for your prayers. We are praying for the green light to try again. And we are praying for my body to be physically capable of another pregnancy to go full term. We are praying for my spiritual healing... for the guilt and grief to leave me. We are praying for our marriage that we will be strengthened because of this and not pulled apart in any direction. We are praying for Matthew. I still have to get up each day and take care of the beautiful piece of heaven God has allowed me to keep for now. On the worst of the worst days when all I wanted to do was to sit back under the covers and cry my eyes out, I couldn't stay there, because my son needed me. And for that I'm so thankful. I'm so grateful to love and serve a God who shows us mercy and grace. And to my Savior I now take refuge in His arms and for the night tonight maybe I'll sleep some. ....thank you for reading the ramblings of today.

Psalms 7:17 "I will give thanks to the Lord because of His righteousness, and will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High"

Psalms 16:1 "Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge"

Psalms 18:30 "As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him.

Psalms 130:1 "Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord."

Psalms 150:6 "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord!"

In Psalms we are shown through David times of great joy and times of great sorrow. The Psalms have been my 'go to' lately because there is no lack of emotion in these pages. David is either dancing and leaping before the Lord or he's beaten and wounded, trembling before the Lord-- yet in any regards, he is still praising the Lord. In this time of woe, I must be strong and remember to praise the Lord. I must remain faithful and give thanks for what we do have... and know that someday I'll get to see God's grace face to face for the first time when I meet that child in heaven.

Praise the LORD!

Posted by Kate at 9:51, 2 comments

The comments were from Nic and Marsha. If they'd like to "recomment" I'd be glad to add them. Sorry about that.