Goodnight, Themly.

Today was the anniversary of my Great Grandmother's birthday. It was a somber-ish day to say the least. It always hits me. Each year a little differently. Today my mom and I cried on the phone for a moment or two. Neither one said her name, yet we talked about her. This August will be 8 years without her. How I miss her. How I wish she could see these small children of mine. How I wish I could talk to her about raising boys. She raised her own two and then helped to raise three more. How I wish I could show her Micah's blue eyes like Grandpa's. ... oh so many things. I wish I could still sing for her. I can remember so many nights that I'd stay over and use her cane for a microphone and sing my heart's content out. I wish I could drink in her pink cups and eat Eskimo pies with her while watching Family Feud. I wish I could walk through her old house and touch the babies and dolls and see her roses in the yard. I just miss her. Oh Thelmy, I miss you.

But there is comfort in knowing where she is. There is joy in knowing who she's with. She is at the feet of our Maker, praising His name for all of eternity... and she has the joy of knowing two sweet angels that I long for.

Dear Lord, please if such a thing is possible, please tell my Thelmy that I love her so much, please tell Grandpa that I'm being a good little girl. That I am trying to raise these boys up to be doers of the Word and to be strong godly men to follow after You. Please continue to heal my heart and my mom's broken heart too. Thank you Jesus for all we do have. Thank you Lord for all you have given us. Amen.

Goodnight my first angel

In 54 minutes it will be tomorrow. In 54 minutes it will be the first time in four years that it will actually be tomorrow. Tomorrow is "Leap Day." Tomorrow, four years ago, I began to know heartache. Something that can never go away. Something that will never be the same. Tomorrow will be the first time in four years to see the anniversary date appear... on February 29th 2008 a tiny life inside me found Heaven.

I find myself thinking of the song from the musical Rent... Seasons of Love...

Five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes....

How do you measure, measure a year?

in daylights?
in sunsets?
in midnights?
in cups of coffee?
in inches?
in miles?
in laughter?
in strife?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

How do you measure... measure four years?
Some day in Heaven, I'll get to see her.
Some day in Heaven, I'll hold her near.
But for now I'll be here waiting, until I can join in Heaven and wipe my tears.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I know that Heaven is a better place with my babies up there singing. So instead of thinking about what isn't... I think about where I'd be without my Markie bug. Mark was a blessing that came after this first storm. I so love him. He's so wonderful. He's a joy, he's a love, he's a blessing. He's so animated! He's such a little snot too. He's exactly too cute for words and he's such a snuggle bug. I don't know what I'd do without Mark. I long for the children I'll never hold... but I wouldn't give up the gifts that came next each time. My first storm cloud brought Mark to me. My second storm cloud brought Micah. Where would I be without these little men in my life? ... how dreadfully boring life would be! HA! It feels like a zoo we live in some times. It's never dull or boring that's for sure. These boys are worth getting up for. They are worth living each day better than the one before it for.

Matthew, Mark, and Micah, oh how I love you three so much. You help keep my heart beating each day. I love being your mommy and I'd have it no other way.

My darling Heaven sent babies, oh how I love both of you ever so much too.

Goodnight, my first angel.

The first time in four years, I've been able to say...

Goodnight.

two years ago

Fever, pink eye, sleepless nights, bronchitis, puking, diarrhea, lysoling the house, butt rashes, snotty noses, sleepless nights, humbling my pride and continuing to ask for help, asking for prayers, talking with a certain mentor-type motherly friend every night this week, laundry, sleeplessness, laundry, zero with the sleeping and more laundry…. These are things that have kept my brain BUSY this week. Complete exhaustion and lack of showering really takes a toll on the body. I’m so thankful for those willing to reach out and help. Thank you to Kathy being willing to call me help, Jordan for being willing to come, Tammy and Mary Kay for listening to my crying, Deb for listening to it all and being a prayer warrior for this house, Sandy for being so willing to keep coming, Ashley for bringing me Chick-Fil-A and pedialite…. I’m so blessed. I truly know that God knows how much I can take, how much I need and how much I can handle – yet I told my mother-in-law last night as I was holding my sweet Markie after he’d been puking that I just wasn’t so confident of God’s confidence in what I can handle. And yet, this morning, the sun is shining, the birds were chirping, the Lord is still Lord over all.

Today could be a seriously sad day for me… I tend to think to myself and tell people that February is hard for me. Particularly the end of February is especially hard for me. But I was shown something lovely last night after all the cleaning up all the puking was over, my mother-in-law sent back home, my boys back in beds… I started to lay down my head for the night. However, I stopped, went back for my prayer note book and started to pray over things that were brought to my attention yesterday. I pleaded with the Lord for my children’s wellbeing, wellness and health and safety and comfort and peace and protection in addition to my best friend’s job situation and my mom’s travel plans. I’m praying for T’s strength and family, L’s strength and family, J’s family, J’s situations… and instead of what could have easily been a “poor me” cry about all my strain and stress and wear and tear this week… not to mention my broken heart needing comfort… I didn’t.

I will however not ignore the day. Maybe some day, it will be easier but not today. I shared with my sweet friend Deb Wednesday night how much I wanted to go to bible study Thursday because I knew the lesson was on the Lord being our Maker. How the timing was so fitting… how much my heart wanted to hear this lesson, but yesterday was an all time low for me. I needed help in a bad way and was so thankful for those who came running. Emotionally and physically. And instead of me wasting the day away focusing on things that aren’t, I was able to see things that are. My children were loved on and played with, they were cared for and cherished. I was able to get rest and frankly, because of the exhaustion, I wasn’t able to focus on anything else. And I didn't get to go to Bible Study, but maybe that was exactly what I needed. To not focus on things that would be sad but to be exactly where I was needed, with these kiddos...

In one such blog posting in 2010, I wrote these words while we were on vacation, watching the kids love the water, the ocean, the beach, the sweet special time with Grammy, “… it’s hard to be dwelling on things that never came when we’re surrounded by such things that are.” and how true these words are. One thing though is that while I can look around and know how much God has blessed us, how happy my house is (normally!) and how grateful I am for who is in my life and what I have… none of that diminishes the pang of pain I feel on days such as these. I will not spend this whole day somber. I know that. I have big plans of watching Disney movie favorites, playing Candyland and Scrabble… but for a moment, I will allow my heart to grieve what never was.

Today, two years ago… I lost our second baby to Heaven…my fourth pregnancy, my second heart ache. Two years ago today, for the second time I never saw a beating heart on a screen where one should have been. Two years ago today, my world stopped turning while Jesus took another child home to Him. We called that one Myna Bird. So today, I will take a moment to honor my sweet Myna Bird and let my heart be heavy and ask the Lord to touch it. I cling to Ps. 34:18 and know it’s truth. “…the Lord is near to the broken hearted.” Some day I’ll get to be united with my children waiting for me in glory, but until then the Lord will be my rock, my shield, my comfort, my strength and my deliverer. I’m so thankful that my Maker is my Creator, my Owner, my Redeemer, my Help, the Lifter of my Head… My help comes from the Lord! (Ps 121:1-2) I’m so thankful that my child, who never saw life outside of my womb, will never know heartache, pain, sorrow, remorse, regret, fear, hate, betrayal, anger… He only knows joy and peace. He is singing songs of praise to his Maker for all the days of his life and some day, I’ll join him.

Today, I will praise the Lord – giver of Life—for granting me the joy of motherhood and pulling me out of my miry clay (Ps 40:2) and sorrow and renewing my soul with peace that only He can give. Amen.

goodnight my angel

A year ago today, God took a second child of mine home to Heaven. Has it really been a year? I will not contemplate too much on this today. I will acknowledge my sweet angel but I will not sit and cry today. God is so good. He's faithful and HE IS IN CONTROL. I'm so so blessed to be carrying this child, this gift I'd never known I needed until He gave it to me. Sweet baby in Heaven, I do yearn to meet you in Glory some day. I am blessed to know where you are and to know you are with your brother or sister who went before you.


Thank you God for all you do. For all you are. For all you have given me. Both in love and loss. I will CHOOSE to say "blessed be YOUR name."

bracelet

A friend of mine makes lovely jewelry. I've bought her pieces both for myself and for gifts over the past few years. Since receiving my memorial necklace (if you don't know about that, you can go here to see it/read about it) I really haven't worn any other necklaces all that much. I used to wear a cross often and I also had a music note that I loved to wear. Both were charms from Jamie. Well, I'd decided to give Michelle my charms and have her add them to a bracelet I'd dreamed up. I wanted something to represent the love landmarks in my life... my anniversary and my children--all of them. Michelle really did a beautiful job of capturing my loves in this bracelet. Each bead is unique to the rest. It's prefect. Thank you Michelle. Now I can still wear the charms that Jamie got me, and I can have all the pieces of my heart together. (After this child makes his or her arrival, we're going to add a new bead to the bracelet). Isn't it beautiful?

Oct (marriage) June (Matthew) Feb (angel) Dec (Mark) Feb (angel)

the circle of life

This Saturday, Jamie's dear Granddaddy went home to be with the Lord. He was a good man, an honest and hard worker. Every time we visited, he wanted to know when I was going to be able to finish school and get my degree. I think if I ever do get that chance to go back to school and get my diploma it will be a bitter sweet moment in my heart for I'll be thinking of how much it meant to Granddaddy. He was well known in his community far and wide for he was a principal for many years. He leaves behind his beloved Nanmommy. My heart will break when I see her tonight. We will be going to the visitation tonight and then the services are tomorrow. In 6 years of marriage, Jamie has held me up through many difficult times on my side of the family. We lost many the first two years of dating and then marriage... and in just a few months I've watched him lose members on either side of his family. It's hard to see your loved ones leave. It's hard to watch the hole they leave behind. But it is a great joy and time of rejoicing if you know where they have gone. I'm thankful for our mighty and awesome God who lovingly sent his Son down to die and return to Heaven to prepare a place for us. Thank you God that we CAN be assured of where we will spend eternity if we know and love you. Thank you Lord for taking Granddaddy home to you and not allowing him any more pain or suffering. ... As I carry this baby that Granddaddy wont be able to meet here on this earth, I know that he'll be able to see the faces of my children already gone to Heaven and one day meet this one in Glory too.

Here are some sweet memories of Granddaddy over the years...



Chuck, Jamie, Granddaddy and Matthew-- four generations of Hobbs men

Granddaddy and Matthew (July 07)

Granddaddy and Mark, both sleepin' (May 09)

Granddaddy's 84th birthday (June 10)

Jamie, Granddaddy, and Chuck


We will miss you.

back from the beach

Hello blogging world. We are back from our week long vacation. I've been gone longer trips than just a week before but this one really took it out of me, I feel like I've been gone a month! I have LOTS of pictures to go through and will post some soon. But first I just wanted to post what I wrote while I was gone, even though we had no internet for me to do so there.

So here you go, here's my blogging from the beach, a few days later....

We’re at the beach and it’s so fun to watch my children learn and explore and splash and dig. Matthew seems content for hours with a shovel and a bucket. Mark is still requiring a lot of hands on, but he enjoys the water’s edge and digging for short times. He loves watching the birds as they scurry across the water line. At the beach, Matthew runs circles in the surf of the water and runs circles on the sand. He was timid at first but now is tolerant of the waves attacking him, while he laughs at the sport. Mark however is still timid and that’s fine. He is fine in your arms but doesn’t want to be put down. However, at the pool, Matthew is a little more afraid of sinking and Mark is the fearless one. “Jump? Jump!” he’ll say. And he expects you to set him upon the edge of the pool and be ready to catch him as he jumps falls in.

Monday night we had a neat time on the beach with a photographer. Not something we’d planned to do while we were here, but we’d acquired a very neat envelope of goodies, one such goodie was a free photo shoot with a free 8x10. I’m sure you can imagine how difficult it was for me Tuesday morning at the viewing session to ONLY pick one photo. I can’t wait to be able to view all the pictures on line and decide if we can order any. She took some neat pictures of my mom with the boys, a couple good ones of our four family, and some belly shots, both solo and with Jamie touching the belly. I’m excited for this one to come. I’m excited to meet a new baby and God willing, hold him or her. But I can’t help but wonder who else would have been. It’s hard to not dwell on such thoughts. This morning, I sat on a towel, and watched Jamie holding Mark at the water’s edge, Matthew running circles around them trying to not let the water “catch” him, and all the while wondering if that sweet heartbeat wouldn’t have stopped, who else would be here. Tomorrow would have been his due date. Tomorrow would have been a day of four becoming five. … I will pray that four will still become five, but instead of tomorrow, it will be this coming March. Grow little baby in my tummy, grow. Please grow and be healthy and strong and alive. Monday morning I go in to Kendra for another appt/check up. I’m praying for her to find a strong healthy heart beat straight away and relieve any further fears or doubts that have crept back into my mind. [Side note: had the appt today, Monday, and baby was wonderful. Strong heart beat! I feel very much at peace. Not only did I get to hear the heartbeat but be/c my midwife loves me so much, she let us peak again. I saw my sweet miracle moving around, stretching, arching... thriving. Thank you God.]

I’m thankful for the beach to distract me. It’s hard to be sad or quiet here. A. there is no where to go in a 500 sq. foot condo, but B. there is just so much to do. We’ve been bouncing between the pool and the beach between napping and meals. The past two mornings we went down to the beach very early and had our fill of sand (literally) before even noon came. It’s nice to be on the beach with the sun rising and the sand still cool on your feet, verses going out there after lunch when the sun is baking and the sand too hot to touch. The outdoor pool is fun, the indoor pool is nice! The boardwalk is pretty. There is lots to see, touch, eat… it’s hard to be dwelling on things that never came when we’re surrounded by such things that are. As I sit here writing this currently, Mark is playing with his farm animals, Jamie’s lounging on the couch and Matthew is chugging his trains as normal. Life is good. God is good. I love my boys, I love my family. I’m very thankful that my mom could come down for a couple days and join us for a portion of our vacation. I miss her already though. I rely on her greatly for emotional strength and support as well as physical help with the boys. We’re about to go for another round of pool time so I’ll wrap this up, but I wanted to just put my thoughts out there, even though I’m writing this in word currently and can’t blog it until we get home. I will repeat, life is good. God is good. I’m thankful that for both of those...

Sayla is in Heaven.

Sweet baby Sayla Grace was taken home to Heaven yesterday afternoon. The funeral was today at 11:00 this morning. My dear friend KB has been keeping me updated. Last night she called me on her way home and we talked for a lengthy time. She told me about the amazing awesome God we have and I reminded her how He is still in control. She told me about the box that Daniel had made for his sweet angel girl to be laid to rest in. She told me how the family was able to say goodbye. She told me how glad she was that her own daughter got to see this miracle baby and get a glimpse of God's marvelous handiwork. We are very sad that Sayla has left this side of Heaven, but I think we are all so grateful for the amount of time she did have here. For the love that all around Mandi and Daniel were able to show her and them. For the impact she had and will continue to have on all our lives. I don't know Mandi personally, but I am blessed beyond measure to be a part of her journey.


Dear God above I pray for this family. Continue to hold them today as they are home without their daughter. Lord Jesus, comfort Mandi's aching heart. Lord Jesus thank you for the knowledge that Sayla's body is now healed and new in Heaven. Father God thank you so much for the blessings you have given us and continue to give us. May we never forget how truly awesome and gracious you are! Amen.

In Memory

The front of the card reads:

In Memory.
"Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid... for the LORD they God... will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." Deuteronomy 31:6

Inside along with a beautiful note, the card also reads:
In Memory of:
Baby Hobbs

One
Gideon-Placed Bible is being provided by the H's.

(The sender of this card made a donation to The Gideons International in the name of Baby Hobbs)

.....

I'm amazed.

I'm so touched.

NOTHING so far has touched me like this.

Laura and Mike, my soon to be family-in-law, I can't thank you enough for this gift.

I received this beautiful card yesterday in the mail and I just cried. Oh I cried and cried. Good tears... ;) ...I kept thinking about all the "WHY"s I'd been shouting in my head. God knew. I find some comfort thinking that someone out there in the world will receive this Bible with the words "Baby Hobbs" in it. They might not know that it means Baby Hobbs is gone, they might not be able to read his name, but they'll get that Bible. Someone in the world will have the gospel of Jesus Christ in their hands because of Mike and Laura's love and compassion... because our baby went to see his Savior. Someone may come to know Christ Jesus as Lord over all because of our baby. I will be praying for this someone daily. I will be lifting up this nameless, faceless precious one who may know Christ at this cost. God already knows who it is. ... I'm so moved. I'm so touched. Laura and Mike, this has blessed me and Jamie so much. You may never fully understand or be aware of the great joy and treasure your generous gift was. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

If you ever have a need and could send a donation in memory of someone to the Gideon Bibles, please do so. What a gift. What a treasured treasured gift. Please go here. See this. For more information about the Gideon ministries, go here.

telling Matthew

This is a recount from when we told Matthew what was going on...

Me: Matthew, come here a minute, I want to talk to you.
Him: (climbing up on our bed) What mommy?
Me: I am very sad
Him: Why are you sad? That's silly.
Me: Do you remember that there was a baby in my belly?
He nodded
Me: Well, that baby has stopped growing. So I'm so sad now.
Him: Where is the baby now?
Me: In Heaven. God took our baby to Heaven when he stopped growing.
Him: I don't want to stop growing.
Me: You don't have to. You are going to grow up big and strong.
Him: I'm not ready to go to Heaven yet.
Me: (choking back tears) You don't have to honey.
Him: (now laying on me) I just want to stay with you.
Me: Okay. You can stay with me.

Later in the day, he stayed close by. He kept saying he wanted to grow big and stay with me. In his own way, he's processing what's going on and how it's affecting him. He's so big. I can't believe how smart he is and how amazing his brain is and how it works.

I spent most of yesterday in and out, either asleep or eating the whole day. Today seems like it will be another day on the couch. I'm hoping I can get up and feel normal later on maybe.

Another February, Another Baby gone to Heaven.

I've sat here over a half hour just staring at that first sentence.

Can it be true? Can it be real? Over the past couple days I'd actually been formulating my "lack of anniversary date" post in my head. For those newer to reading my blog, I'd lost a baby on 2-29-08. And last year posted about the lack of anniversary. (I think. I meant to if I didn't heh).

Anyhow, yesterday... I'd gone in for a normal appt. and repeat ultrasound. Four weeks ago, I saw a tiny blip of a beating heart... Yesterday, that heart beating was gone. My baby had stopped growing. His heart, stopped beating. At first the u/s tech didn't say anything, but my midwife, K, was in the room. God I love her. and she came right around over to me and said, "Katherine, we dont' see the heart beat. It's not there honey." They looked for a good long time, checking different angles, having me hold my breath, searching for a tiny beat. We cried. We hugged. I got dressed. We hugged some more. I went to her office. I couldn't breathe. She wanted me to go to the hospital. Do it again, get a second opinion. I couldn't speak. She wanted me to call Jamie, I couldn't. She called him. I hated to do that to him. I cried for him, hearing from her. He was on his way. We hugged some more. She sent me outside to my car to drive across the street to the hospital. I sniffled through the parking lot. Got inside the car. Put my seatbelt on, and laid my head on the steering wheel and just sobbed. I don't know how I drove myself the 50 feet, but thank God for free valet parking.

In the hospital, I'll skip the details about the lack of kindness or compassion the first receptionist showed me. She didn't even look up. She didn't make eye contact or see that I had mascara smeared all over my cheeks, with fresh tears spilling down my face. She didn't look up to see me hiccuping through the answers of her questions. Oh... wait, I was skipping this part. After asking the second receptionist, the nice one, the motherly looking one, for a piece of paper, I began writing out my swimming thoughts... these are the ramblings in the waiting room (unedited and a bit repetitious):

A million things race through my mind. 'Why?' is at the top of the list. Why?Why? Why!?. There is nothing as painful as the loss of a child, but... to lose another one... to lose two children. God help me (why?!). I don't want to do this again. I dont' want to have this hurting again. the aching, the endless night in the pit of my belly again --- instead of the a growing baby. (Why?!) I feel like Sally Fields in Steal Magnolis when she as at her daughter's gravesite. She screams "I just wanna know why?!?!". Oh Lord. Dear Jesus hold me. Four weeks aago we saw a tiny heart beating, four weeks ago life was there. Today. We saw a baby formed today, but no blip. No beating heart. My heart wanted to stop beating right there. My sweet baby's life has stopped. The tiny growing heart has quit. What will I say to Matthew who thinks there is a baby in there? What will I say to the world? (Why?!). Oh I dont' want to do this again. We already bought a pregnancy journal. I've been writing in it. I'm so drained Lord. I'm wiping tears away as fast as I'm writing these words. Please Lord hold me. I'm sitting here in the hospital waiting room, alone with my clipboard and paper. The poor lady at the registration desk (the nice one) doesn't know what to do or say. She keeps bringing me kleenex and looking at me with concern in her eyes. Jamie's on his way. Again I want to shout "WHY?!" but I'm trying so hard to stay quiet. Lord save me from this torture. I want to be gone from here. to hold my boys to me and love them. But it's impossible to hold them for they aren't here. Father hold me. Jesus hear me. Lord please cradle my angels. ... two angels in Heaven. My babies who have seen your face. My babies who have seen your glory while I am faced with sorrow. My babies who will never know pain or regret or fear. My babies.... God, why is it so hard to add an S to that word. My babies who have each other now and can share your lap. God keep them. Lord keep them for Jamie. Keep them for me. I long to hold and know them. But you do. You already know their names. Father save me.

... at this time my phone rang and a friend had come. (thank you friend). Soon after Jamie showed up. We waited and waited and waited some more. I finally went through the triage process and waited some more. Friend went home. Jamie and I sat. Eventually we were led down a hall and into a very uncomfortable room. The attending nurse was spacey and made me uneasy. She seemed like she didn't know what was going on. Then she said so and so would be called and given the images and so and so would be able to call K and then someone would tell us the results. I looked at her and said "Can you see a heart beat" She said "That's what I'm trying to tell you, I'm not allowed to say one way or the other. I'm not authorized to give the results of these testings"... Oh God. Just shoot me here on this table. I turned from her. I mouthed to Jamie if he could see and he couldn't... I couldn't look at her again. She kept asking me if I was okay. I think my mouth whispered yes each time, though inside I was breaking. I was being ripped apart.

I'm waiting for K to call back to schedule my D&C....

A year ago...

*big sigh*

It's been a year...

It's hard to think it's actually been a year since we lost a tiny babe. This weekend trip was good for me. I think really that without it, I would have moped around the house all weekend feeling sorry for myself. But at Nana's house you can't do that. I love being around Jamie's grandmother. She's a precious woman. It was good to spend the time with family... I was able to talk to a couple of the cousins about our loss and that was good too. Neither knew we'd had a miscarriage. The conversation was about birthdays... and "what do you do if you're birthday is on leap day?" and my heart felt tight and I felt tears creeping in my eyes... So I said, "well for me, it's pretty sad, because I lost a baby on leap date, and I don't even get an anniversary of that loss this year." ... Great. good job Kate, what a way to dampen the conversation, huh? Oh well. It's the truth. A year ago today, I was laying on the couch on bedrest, praying that our baby would stay, waiting the news of the blood draws... but the baby didn't stay. And my heart was truly broken for the first time ever. You think when you're young and dating that So-and-so breaks your heart and oh boo hoo... There is no pain of that like losing a child. Even one you've never met outside the womb. March greets me with painful memories of a sad time, and yet also brings promise that life will go on. I look at my Markie and know that life continues, that God is good, that the morning will come...

Ps. 30:5b "...Weeping may endure for the night, but JOY comes in the morning."

Loss continued...

So I think I know the real reason I've been thinking about loss lately... though I didn't want to admit it. Feb is around the corner... At the end of Feb it will be a year since I lost a baby growing inside me. It's so hard to think about. It doesn't ever go away. The wonder of who that little person would have been. I look at Mark and I wouldn't trade him for anything, he was a blessing for sure, something worth waiting for... But, I still will wonder about the little one who didn't make it. The pain doesn't go away. It's lessened greatly, but I guess it wont ever really leave... Anyhow. That's all.

It's just hard sometimes

In the past four days, I've had 3 different people ask me in some form or fashion "When is Matthew going to have a brother or a sister?" or "When are you all going to start trying for the sibling?"

I think this conversation is the hardest lately. Yesterday my answer was pretty point blank and maybe too harsh. When asked when we think we'd like another one, I simply said "Well, we lost one. We'd like to have another one hopefully though" and the response was a taken back "oh you will." The person I was talking with I hadn't seen in a long while and it wasn't fair of me to just spit that out at her. But dang it! I just wanted to get back in my car and go home after that. I didn't want to stay and visit and small talk after that. I know she felt bad, I felt bad for how I responded so shortly. She was nice to change the subject but still... how could she have known? right? well, why do people have to ask questions like that? I think of the times I've asked similar questions of people in the past and my heart hurts to think I may have hurt friends and never knew it. Never knew their stories or their struggles...

There seems to be a couple ways to handle this conversation.
1. Ignore the truth and try to answer the question, pretending as if your heart isn't hurting and breaking into a thousand pieces as you think of what could have been.
2. Be blunt and truthful.
3. Sugar coat the truth or skirt around it.

A while back-- unrelated-- I was told something about speaking the truth. It was actually in a sermon. It was about gossiping, but I think the message applies regardless of the truth or the how-- these three questions were posed as something to think about before answering a question or before uttering truths. 1. is it necessary? 2. is it nice? 3. is it the truth? Those questions sometimes make me pause and really consider what I have to say at times. It CAN be the truth but is it needed or nice? ... anyhow I've begun to reexamine those thoughts in regards to how to answer the question of a sibling to those who don't know the history of the past couple months. 1. is it the truth? well-- yes. 2. is it needed? well, depends. 3. is it nice? well, not really. But do you want to omit the truth everywhere you go? Should you just pretend to those who don't know that your heart is longing to hold a child you never knew? What's the "right" thing to say? I don't know really where this rambling moment is going except it's on my mind so much. The issue was brought up again this morning and I just am so sick of feeling guilty about it. Do I answer? don't I answer? should I answer? should I not answer? does this person CARE to know the truth? would it be better if I pretended this time? Would it be safer if I just said the impersonal "oh we'd like another one some day?" but WHEN is someday? How will we ever know when we'll have a sibling for our child? Will we? How can I possibly answer this question that I seem to be faced with around every corner?

At this point I jump back and forth day to day if I'd be willing to put myself in the trial of the unknown again. Talk about faith? It's so hard to think about-- Giving up complete control and letting God hold you. It's something I'd never thought I'd do before. But maybe that's exactly the point. God wants ALL of us. Not just our X or our X or our X. He wants it all. Maybe I was blessed the first time around because I was naive, I was naive to think "that" couldn't or wouldn't happen to me. I had friends who talked about me telling people so early-- and my response was always "how can people pray if they don't know?" so waiting to tell of the second positive line we saw wasn't an issue. Again I was asked "oh my it's so early, how can you tell people yet?" and again I answered "how can people pray if they don't know?" only this time I don't know if I was really praying-- until it was too late. I wonder how people can tell so early, and then I wonder how can you not tell? How can you keep that joy and that fear to yourself? The Lord doesn't want that of us. He wants us to give HIM up our worries and our fears AND our joys. He wants it all. A friend this sunday quoted a verse out loud, "Come and lay down your burdens all who are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Oh, how I want rest. I want peace. I want to know that the Lord, my God is in charge and in control of all aspects of my life. I want to know that "things will be okay" or "we will have another one" or "it will all work out" but it's so hard. It's just so hard sometimes.

____

Right now I've been so focused on ME and on the WEIGHT issues and on STAYING IN CONTROL that I don't think I've been giving anything up. I've been clinging to it all. I've been harboring my trust and my fears and my sorrows and my weight successes.

No more. I give it up. I give it all up. I am ONLY strong through Christ. And in Him I can do all things. I have to be reminding myself that daily. I may not know how to answer the questions that seem to fly at me right now, but I do know that MY GOD is in charge and in control and He is my rock and fortress. In Him I run and hide. In Him I can find peace.

Phil 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"

What's next?

Friday, March 28, 2008

What's next?

So I find myself wondering: What will I post about next? What should I "catch up" on? But really, who needs catching up? Those who know me now and know me dear, already know all that I'd write in a catch up post. (I was told that one year about my Christmas letter, but I still like to write those things!) Those that don't already know, probably don't need to know all the backlog. The intro and snapshots of history is probably enough. And anyone who doesn't think so well, they can just ask about anything that they want to know. Sooo... that leaves me with today. Where are we today?

Today, I'm "here." I keep adding that as my status update on facebook. I might write what I'm really doing sometimes, but I keep coming back to the word "here." I'm trying to remain content and satisfied with where we are now, and to not get discouraged with what's happened or what might be to come. (For those of you wondering what in the world is this girl rambling on about... don't worry, I'll tell you. For those of you who don't want to read all about "The diary of a sad woman"-- stop here).

A month ago tomorrow I started bleeding and we lost a tiny baby I carried in my womb. It's hard to think already a month has gone by since that traumatic day. I haven't talked much about it out loud. A little bit on a public message board when the "it" was happening and a little bit to a few select friends over the phone... but nothing to compare the the arm loads of something I feel is still inside me. At times I want to shout or scream or beg God to tell me 'why'... But I'm reminded of His grace. His grace is sufficient for me. And His grace is enough. A friend of a friend of mine who has adopted a precious boy claims this verse. I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD. And he worshiped the LORD there. 1 Samuel 1 27-28 She doesn't know I've borrowed it. I am hoping she doesn't mind. I did pray for her child. And I did pray for this babe of mine. And now I do have to give him over to the Lord. I can't keep him... He was never mine to keep anyhow. Our gracious God in heaven gives us the blessing of children, but they are just a gift. They are His. They are His to love and hold and want. They are His to nurture and nourish. And they are His to take home when He so chooses. I'll never forget the date He needed mine to come back home to Him... Leap year Friday, 2-29-08. I don't know why I'm writing all this but it's healthy in some scheme of things I'm sure. At least I know the tears are. It's been a while since I cried about it. I wasn't pregnant long and that's been a hard fact. People will say "oh that's good that it was so early." But how can that be? Does it mean that my pregnancy was any less important or desired than one who might lose her baby at a later date? I'd guess not. Or people will say "oh that's just the body's natural way of handling something that was wrong with the baby since it was so early." That's what the doctor said that Friday night in the ER. He told me in most cases when the body aborted the baby "this early" it was 99% of the time an issue in development. It is at that comment I found myself crying to my husband later... "couldn't we have loved a baby who might not have developed all the way?" and that of course is only for us to wonder and God to know. I did love that baby. I do love that baby. From the moment we said we were going to start trying for a sibling for Matthew I prayed that God would bless us again. And He did. You know I never asked Him to bless me with a list of requirements attached to the blessing. I never thought that this could really happen.

In one of the two really lengthy conversations about all the transpiring events I told my best friend more than I think she wanted to hear. But I'm glad she let me ramble on anyhow. She told me how she truly just can't imagine what I'm going through right now. I told her this comment and I mean it all the more every day... "I know that this IS a reality, but I just never thought it would be MY reality." But it is now. This is part of my reality forever now. Part of me wants to plaster a big billboard somewhere that says "DID YOU KNOW?! 1 in 4. ONE IN FOUR pregnancies end in a miscarriage." 1 in 4? 1 in 4. Did you know that? That means two things to me. 1. Line up four women and chances are one of them has had a miscarriage, or will have one. and 2. Take a woman who's had more than four pregnancies and chances are she's lost one herself. That's not any small thing. 1 in 4. That's 25% of all pregnancies. All... ....All I know is that Jesus has one pretty huge lap. Because I know He's holding all those babies up there. But seriously, did you know that? Do your female love-ones know that? Tell someone. That's a pretty daunting statistic and I didn't know it until my nurse practitioner told it to me afterwards.

I could continue on with my ramblings but I think I've exhausted all that "needed" to come out. With all that said... I will ask for something... I will ask for your prayers. We are praying for the green light to try again. And we are praying for my body to be physically capable of another pregnancy to go full term. We are praying for my spiritual healing... for the guilt and grief to leave me. We are praying for our marriage that we will be strengthened because of this and not pulled apart in any direction. We are praying for Matthew. I still have to get up each day and take care of the beautiful piece of heaven God has allowed me to keep for now. On the worst of the worst days when all I wanted to do was to sit back under the covers and cry my eyes out, I couldn't stay there, because my son needed me. And for that I'm so thankful. I'm so grateful to love and serve a God who shows us mercy and grace. And to my Savior I now take refuge in His arms and for the night tonight maybe I'll sleep some. ....thank you for reading the ramblings of today.

Psalms 7:17 "I will give thanks to the Lord because of His righteousness, and will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High"

Psalms 16:1 "Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge"

Psalms 18:30 "As for God, His way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him.

Psalms 130:1 "Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord."

Psalms 150:6 "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord!"

In Psalms we are shown through David times of great joy and times of great sorrow. The Psalms have been my 'go to' lately because there is no lack of emotion in these pages. David is either dancing and leaping before the Lord or he's beaten and wounded, trembling before the Lord-- yet in any regards, he is still praising the Lord. In this time of woe, I must be strong and remember to praise the Lord. I must remain faithful and give thanks for what we do have... and know that someday I'll get to see God's grace face to face for the first time when I meet that child in heaven.

Praise the LORD!

Posted by Kate at 9:51, 2 comments

The comments were from Nic and Marsha. If they'd like to "recomment" I'd be glad to add them. Sorry about that.