Where the voices get to come out of my head and ramble elsewhere...
Saturday, February 7, 2009
random cat story
Okay, WHAT is my cat on these days?! Currently he is trying to break into the office closet as I type this. It has the accordion style doors and he's like beating them trying to wedge between them to get in there. Last night he was trying to open a closet in the hall by actually turning the door knob (that's how long he is)... and earlier in the evening he was trying to open the front door closet by sticking his paws underneath the door trying to get it opened. Jamie also just told me that earlier he was in the bathroom trying to open the door, had one paw on each side of the door knob. What gives cat?! Moses has is trying to escape through the closets! Fortunately he can't get outside, we have the child safety lock knobs over the normal knobs for all the outside doors. Apparently they are child and cat safety knobs now!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
pictures
Uncle Rick, Aunt Chas, Shelton and Bryton came to meet baby Mark!
Like that last one of Matthew tagging behind Bryton in the backyard.
~~~~~~~
Also wanted to include some pictures of both my boys.
Love love love this outfit of Mark's."Such a busy day at church, need to rest now.
Can someone loosen my tie?"
Just a couple sweet ones of Matthew too.
Love his "cheeeeese" face.
And finally a friend from a message board I'm on made me a sling and I just love it, wanted to post a picture of it. Thanks Jen (her site)
(and Nic for orchestrating it!)
(and Nic for orchestrating it!)
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Cancer sucks explained...
Funny, I came on the computer to vent my anger out into the world. I was going to use my blog as a pounding board for the crap cancer is causing my life.... and then I check my email first, and I find a dear friend of mine emailing me advice on miscarriages. Oy. Life is funny sometimes, huh? God knew how much I was hurting right then, and how much I just wanted to yell... and instead, He gave me someone to minister to and to use my energy elsewhere. And I did. And I hope I was helpful. And while I'm still mad... I have no reason to be all dramatic with the "how" mad or upset. It can't change the facts. So here they are...
my dad still has cancer.
lots of it.
the radiation last year didn't show any improvement with the scans recently done. the PSA levels went up, we knew that already.
what my folks found out yesterday (and I was told tonight) is that it's spread.
the bone scan showed there are 3 spots in the vertebrate (numbers 7, 9, and 11) (so more towards the bum than the neck). it also showed 2 spots that they couldn't identify as cancer (and will continue to watch/retest). though it's in the bones, it isn't bone cancer. Mom said it was the prostrate cancer spread into the bones.
besides the spots in the vertebrate, there were spots around the esophagus that they are also uncertain if they are cancerous or not. the lymph nodes are enlarged and they'll continue to watch these to see if they continue to grow and do biopsies on these if needed.
he'll start two forms of treatment Feb 12th.
the doctor has said this isn't curable. Manageable but not curable.
New scans will be in June.
Please join me in prayer.
my dad still has cancer.
lots of it.
the radiation last year didn't show any improvement with the scans recently done. the PSA levels went up, we knew that already.
what my folks found out yesterday (and I was told tonight) is that it's spread.
the bone scan showed there are 3 spots in the vertebrate (numbers 7, 9, and 11) (so more towards the bum than the neck). it also showed 2 spots that they couldn't identify as cancer (and will continue to watch/retest). though it's in the bones, it isn't bone cancer. Mom said it was the prostrate cancer spread into the bones.
besides the spots in the vertebrate, there were spots around the esophagus that they are also uncertain if they are cancerous or not. the lymph nodes are enlarged and they'll continue to watch these to see if they continue to grow and do biopsies on these if needed.
he'll start two forms of treatment Feb 12th.
the doctor has said this isn't curable. Manageable but not curable.
New scans will be in June.
Please join me in prayer.
25 things, twice
So on Facebook this "post 25 random things about yourself" thing was going around... I told Nic I was having trouble thinking of "good ones"... After several Edit and saves I finally finished my 25, and in the mean time so did she... So here's what WE came up with. First me then her... It's nuts how many overlap and she found it silly that I ommitted music completely when I was making my list. Oh well ! OOoops!
1. I'm not a dog person. I love my cat... but I am so not a dog person. I'm okay around them but the thought of owning one makes me silly. (and Jamie wants one of course)
2. I used to lie to people and say I was allergic to mushrooms jsut to avoid any chance of ever eating them. I still can not stand the smell of them and wont eat them, but I do cook them for Jamie in certain dishes. I'm now a big girl and can handle saying "no thanks"
3. I would really have 6-10 kids if my husband would let me. ...Having had now a "normal" birth and a previous C-section, I can say I'd honestly not desire to HAVE the kids.... but I'd "HAVE" them all the same, if that makes sense.
4. Likelihood of #3 even ever happening is so far from reality. I'm not sure we're done, but for NOW Jamie's done.
5. If we could have groceries delivered, I'd never leave the house but to go to church. (Laura I'm like you in that regard!!!)
6. I grow my hair out to send to locks of love whenever it's long enough to do so-- and I cut it off myself.
7. I have so many food issues it's nuts. My own parents can't keep them all straight... some examples are: 1. most foods shouldn't ever touch, ever. 2. hot and cold foods deserve their own plates 3.dessert should be eaten with a new utensil and on it's own plate 4. I actually cringe when Jamie does neither of #3. 5. I can only eat with the small forks. Don't know why. ...I'll stop there, don't want to give them all away.
8. It takes me about ten minutes to assemble my plate from Zaxby's. (or Chinese food, or most places, but Zaxby's came to mind first)
9. pumpkin pie should be covered in whip cream or it's really not worth the trouble.
10. I could live off pasta and cheese
11. oh, and cereal. I fully believe cereal should be it's own food group and we're allowed unlimited quantities daily.
12. i met both my best friends (husband and best girl friend) on the world wide web.
13. i actually flew across the country to meet my future husband face to face--- didn't tell my dad until I was practically boarding the plane. my roommates thought I was coming back in a body back. Thankfully Jamie didn't turn out to be a crazy internet meeting girls murderer.
14. the most terrifying day of my life was AFTER i'd flown to meet him (and fell for him for real) was driving the 1.5 hours to meet his parents and go to church with them.
15. my great-grandmother was the most amazing person in my life and i can still smell her perfume if i close my eyes and think really hard about it even though she's been gone now 5 years. I can still hear her voice when someone says something the way she would say it.
16. I watch Family Feud because of her. (and matthew enjoys shouting "ONE X" "TWO X" when the players get the answers wrong. I think she would have loved it)
17. I hated that she wasn't able to be at my wedding. She always always told me she'd watch me walk the aisle. She died 2 months before it. I still cry thinking I was so close to having her see me as a bride.
18. I think that the school systems should pull every girl aside in high school and ACTUALLY prep them for things they'll need to know instead of things they have ZERO use for.
19. I firmly believe that ABSTINENCE should be taught, not (just) "safe sex"
20. I also believe that BILLBOARDS should be PLASTERED with facts about miscarriages. ONE in FOUR, girls. ONE in FOUR of ALL pregnancies end in miscarriage. I had no idea. No one tells you things like that until you are going through it and you're one of the one in four.
21. I am a successful VBAC (Vag birth after C-section) patient and I'm SO freaking proud of it! I labored 10 hours without drugs with my second before finally giving in to the epidural and by golly 9 more hours later I pushed his 8 pound self out! No more cutting me open!
22. THIS is my favorite number. It used to be my softball number back in the day. ...
23. Speaking of numbers I hate odd ones. I was married on 10-2-04 for a very carefully planned reason, though we'd wanted to get married on 10-22 of the following year, I hated that it would be 05 (please note this was NOT the reason we changed our marriage date up a full year, but it worked out nicely for my psychotic brain) and in 04 the 22 was a friday (too many out of towners for a friday wedding) ... so 10-2-04 thank you.
24. I have two sons. TWO. TWO BOYS. do you believe it?! I may never get to braid hair or paint finger nails.
25. spiders. I hate spiders. hate. spiders.
... this was so hard. It took several "save" and come back laters.
**************************
Kate...
1. loves to sing and can make most any event musical if given the chance
2. met her husband online
3. can carry on entire conversations in sign language
4. aspires to have a huge family and is one of the few people I know that could actually pull it off successfully
5. gave her whole heart to Jesus many years ago and never looked back
6. was a vegetarian for many years of her life
7. even as a vegetarian, NOT a fan of most veggies
8. can eat entire meals that are just carbs and cheese
9. is emotionally-driven -- when she's angry, she is on fire; but when she loves, she loves so passionately that the object of her love can feel it and never doubt it (even when the anger flares up)
10. loves all things purple
11. also loves unicorns
12. she can't bear to live in a place and not make it "her own" --- she's done more decorating in her house than I've done in mine, even though I've lived in mine nearly 2x as long
13. met her best friend online too
14. has performed professionally MANY times and been a part of many choirs
15. wrote the lyrics and music for a Christmas song -- and has written the music to accompany lyrics written by several of her close friends
16. petrified of spiders
17. is a weight loss machine and lost over 100 pounds between having her first son and getting pregnant with her second
18. has zero sense of direction and could probably get lost trying to find her way out of a box
19. is the best listener --- she can't help but reach out to anyone and everyone that she senses is in pain, so that she can listen to them and try to help them lift their problems in prayer and give them to god
20. rarely uses recipes, yet manages to put together the most yummalicious meals out of ordinary ingredients
21. loves to travel, has been overseas several times and longs to go again
22. life's dream is to perform on broadway...
23. life's other dream (people can have more than 1) is to become a certified sign language interpreter and use her hands to communicate with and help others
24. has waited tables at Outback Steakhouse in 3 different cities
25. has 1 biological sister and 1 of-the-heart sister, as well as 1 of-the-heart brother and a huge extended family of friends.
1. I'm not a dog person. I love my cat... but I am so not a dog person. I'm okay around them but the thought of owning one makes me silly. (and Jamie wants one of course)
2. I used to lie to people and say I was allergic to mushrooms jsut to avoid any chance of ever eating them. I still can not stand the smell of them and wont eat them, but I do cook them for Jamie in certain dishes. I'm now a big girl and can handle saying "no thanks"
3. I would really have 6-10 kids if my husband would let me. ...Having had now a "normal" birth and a previous C-section, I can say I'd honestly not desire to HAVE the kids.... but I'd "HAVE" them all the same, if that makes sense.
4. Likelihood of #3 even ever happening is so far from reality. I'm not sure we're done, but for NOW Jamie's done.
5. If we could have groceries delivered, I'd never leave the house but to go to church. (Laura I'm like you in that regard!!!)
6. I grow my hair out to send to locks of love whenever it's long enough to do so-- and I cut it off myself.
7. I have so many food issues it's nuts. My own parents can't keep them all straight... some examples are: 1. most foods shouldn't ever touch, ever. 2. hot and cold foods deserve their own plates 3.dessert should be eaten with a new utensil and on it's own plate 4. I actually cringe when Jamie does neither of #3. 5. I can only eat with the small forks. Don't know why. ...I'll stop there, don't want to give them all away.
8. It takes me about ten minutes to assemble my plate from Zaxby's. (or Chinese food, or most places, but Zaxby's came to mind first)
9. pumpkin pie should be covered in whip cream or it's really not worth the trouble.
10. I could live off pasta and cheese
11. oh, and cereal. I fully believe cereal should be it's own food group and we're allowed unlimited quantities daily.
12. i met both my best friends (husband and best girl friend) on the world wide web.
13. i actually flew across the country to meet my future husband face to face--- didn't tell my dad until I was practically boarding the plane. my roommates thought I was coming back in a body back. Thankfully Jamie didn't turn out to be a crazy internet meeting girls murderer.
14. the most terrifying day of my life was AFTER i'd flown to meet him (and fell for him for real) was driving the 1.5 hours to meet his parents and go to church with them.
15. my great-grandmother was the most amazing person in my life and i can still smell her perfume if i close my eyes and think really hard about it even though she's been gone now 5 years. I can still hear her voice when someone says something the way she would say it.
16. I watch Family Feud because of her. (and matthew enjoys shouting "ONE X" "TWO X" when the players get the answers wrong. I think she would have loved it)
17. I hated that she wasn't able to be at my wedding. She always always told me she'd watch me walk the aisle. She died 2 months before it. I still cry thinking I was so close to having her see me as a bride.
18. I think that the school systems should pull every girl aside in high school and ACTUALLY prep them for things they'll need to know instead of things they have ZERO use for.
19. I firmly believe that ABSTINENCE should be taught, not (just) "safe sex"
20. I also believe that BILLBOARDS should be PLASTERED with facts about miscarriages. ONE in FOUR, girls. ONE in FOUR of ALL pregnancies end in miscarriage. I had no idea. No one tells you things like that until you are going through it and you're one of the one in four.
21. I am a successful VBAC (Vag birth after C-section) patient and I'm SO freaking proud of it! I labored 10 hours without drugs with my second before finally giving in to the epidural and by golly 9 more hours later I pushed his 8 pound self out! No more cutting me open!
22. THIS is my favorite number. It used to be my softball number back in the day. ...
23. Speaking of numbers I hate odd ones. I was married on 10-2-04 for a very carefully planned reason, though we'd wanted to get married on 10-22 of the following year, I hated that it would be 05 (please note this was NOT the reason we changed our marriage date up a full year, but it worked out nicely for my psychotic brain) and in 04 the 22 was a friday (too many out of towners for a friday wedding) ... so 10-2-04 thank you.
24. I have two sons. TWO. TWO BOYS. do you believe it?! I may never get to braid hair or paint finger nails.
25. spiders. I hate spiders. hate. spiders.
... this was so hard. It took several "save" and come back laters.
**************************
Kate...
1. loves to sing and can make most any event musical if given the chance
2. met her husband online
3. can carry on entire conversations in sign language
4. aspires to have a huge family and is one of the few people I know that could actually pull it off successfully
5. gave her whole heart to Jesus many years ago and never looked back
6. was a vegetarian for many years of her life
7. even as a vegetarian, NOT a fan of most veggies
8. can eat entire meals that are just carbs and cheese
9. is emotionally-driven -- when she's angry, she is on fire; but when she loves, she loves so passionately that the object of her love can feel it and never doubt it (even when the anger flares up)
10. loves all things purple
11. also loves unicorns
12. she can't bear to live in a place and not make it "her own" --- she's done more decorating in her house than I've done in mine, even though I've lived in mine nearly 2x as long
13. met her best friend online too
14. has performed professionally MANY times and been a part of many choirs
15. wrote the lyrics and music for a Christmas song -- and has written the music to accompany lyrics written by several of her close friends
16. petrified of spiders
17. is a weight loss machine and lost over 100 pounds between having her first son and getting pregnant with her second
18. has zero sense of direction and could probably get lost trying to find her way out of a box
19. is the best listener --- she can't help but reach out to anyone and everyone that she senses is in pain, so that she can listen to them and try to help them lift their problems in prayer and give them to god
20. rarely uses recipes, yet manages to put together the most yummalicious meals out of ordinary ingredients
21. loves to travel, has been overseas several times and longs to go again
22. life's dream is to perform on broadway...
23. life's other dream (people can have more than 1) is to become a certified sign language interpreter and use her hands to communicate with and help others
24. has waited tables at Outback Steakhouse in 3 different cities
25. has 1 biological sister and 1 of-the-heart sister, as well as 1 of-the-heart brother and a huge extended family of friends.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Loss continued...
So I think I know the real reason I've been thinking about loss lately... though I didn't want to admit it. Feb is around the corner... At the end of Feb it will be a year since I lost a baby growing inside me. It's so hard to think about. It doesn't ever go away. The wonder of who that little person would have been. I look at Mark and I wouldn't trade him for anything, he was a blessing for sure, something worth waiting for... But, I still will wonder about the little one who didn't make it. The pain doesn't go away. It's lessened greatly, but I guess it wont ever really leave... Anyhow. That's all.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Loss
The phrase "sometimes you don't know what you've got until you've lost it" has been in my mind lately...
You lose your keys, your address book, your wallet, your phone, your phone charger (or three of them!?), your hairbrush, your socks (darn the dryer!), your shoes, or at least A shoe of the pair you're looking for... You lose track of time, track of what you were doing, you lose train of thought, you lose words, you lose a moment, you lose sleep, chances... You lose a document, a picture, a folder, a file. ... You lose your mind, your childhood, memories... marbles... You have loss in death... in love... in distance...
What is loss for a child? A missing toy, a missing shoe, a missing cup, a forgotten about trip to the park, a missed meal, a missed chance to go see Mickey Mouse live or not, a lost cup, a skipped nap (oy!), an afternoon playdate, tv time...
What about an infant? Lose the milk supply when it's taken away, lose the warm clothes when they are taken off, lose hands that were holding, legs that were bouncing...
What about now? ... are we in a society that constantly gives and takes and expects to be given and catered to, do we realize what we're losing? All the time. We lose each and every today as it becomes tomorrow...
I don't really know why this is on my mind, but all today I've been thinking about the things I take for granted and the TIME I take for granted. I have been humbled lately by the amount of time I WASTE-- thus losing it.
Titus chapter 2 keeps screaming in my head. There are listed specific guidelines for what the older women should be teaching the younger women about how to live....
The NIV says "to be busy in the home" Titus 2:5 "to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God".
The NKJ version says to be a "homemaker" Titus 2:5 "to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed."
The Message says to "keep a good house" Titus 2:5 "be virtuous and pure, keep a good house, be good wives. We don't want anyone looking down on God's Message because of their behavior."
Once in a message that the pastor's wife was giving in a small group bible study, she stressed how it's our job as women to provide a "safe haven" for our husbands. I'll never forget that choice of words. Safe Haven.
Why do I spend all this time wasting it... losing the chance to make my home a haven for my husband? I don't know the answer that's for sure. Instead I have dishes in the sink, laundry (some folded) strewn across the dining room table, the kitchen desperately needing sweeping, the litter box needing scooping, the beds needing making... I wasted the afternoon watching junk on the tv, I lost time I could have been bonding with my older son and teaching him to Mickey Mouse's Club house. I lost time bonding with my younger son to the comfort of the swing instead of lounging laying on mommy. I am losing my mind with all the things I'm thinking about. I feel like I'm losing time with weight stuff, as the doc today told me to wait another 2-3 weeks before attempting anything structured weight or exercise wise. I also know a lot of what I do is UP to me. So just shut up and do it, right? Whatever the "it" is... While I'm worried about my dad and I'm worried about my cat (totally stupid separate issue) and the worry stems from actually LOSING either of them.... .... what can I really DO about it?
Nothing.
So I will sit here and focus my energy into the universe about a lot of nothing.
You lose your keys, your address book, your wallet, your phone, your phone charger (or three of them!?), your hairbrush, your socks (darn the dryer!), your shoes, or at least A shoe of the pair you're looking for... You lose track of time, track of what you were doing, you lose train of thought, you lose words, you lose a moment, you lose sleep, chances... You lose a document, a picture, a folder, a file. ... You lose your mind, your childhood, memories... marbles... You have loss in death... in love... in distance...
What is loss for a child? A missing toy, a missing shoe, a missing cup, a forgotten about trip to the park, a missed meal, a missed chance to go see Mickey Mouse live or not, a lost cup, a skipped nap (oy!), an afternoon playdate, tv time...
What about an infant? Lose the milk supply when it's taken away, lose the warm clothes when they are taken off, lose hands that were holding, legs that were bouncing...
What about now? ... are we in a society that constantly gives and takes and expects to be given and catered to, do we realize what we're losing? All the time. We lose each and every today as it becomes tomorrow...
I don't really know why this is on my mind, but all today I've been thinking about the things I take for granted and the TIME I take for granted. I have been humbled lately by the amount of time I WASTE-- thus losing it.
Titus chapter 2 keeps screaming in my head. There are listed specific guidelines for what the older women should be teaching the younger women about how to live....
The NIV says "to be busy in the home" Titus 2:5 "to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God".
The NKJ version says to be a "homemaker" Titus 2:5 "to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed."
The Message says to "keep a good house" Titus 2:5 "be virtuous and pure, keep a good house, be good wives. We don't want anyone looking down on God's Message because of their behavior."
Once in a message that the pastor's wife was giving in a small group bible study, she stressed how it's our job as women to provide a "safe haven" for our husbands. I'll never forget that choice of words. Safe Haven.
Why do I spend all this time wasting it... losing the chance to make my home a haven for my husband? I don't know the answer that's for sure. Instead I have dishes in the sink, laundry (some folded) strewn across the dining room table, the kitchen desperately needing sweeping, the litter box needing scooping, the beds needing making... I wasted the afternoon watching junk on the tv, I lost time I could have been bonding with my older son and teaching him to Mickey Mouse's Club house. I lost time bonding with my younger son to the comfort of the swing instead of lounging laying on mommy. I am losing my mind with all the things I'm thinking about. I feel like I'm losing time with weight stuff, as the doc today told me to wait another 2-3 weeks before attempting anything structured weight or exercise wise. I also know a lot of what I do is UP to me. So just shut up and do it, right? Whatever the "it" is... While I'm worried about my dad and I'm worried about my cat (totally stupid separate issue) and the worry stems from actually LOSING either of them.... .... what can I really DO about it?
Nothing.
So I will sit here and focus my energy into the universe about a lot of nothing.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
TAG, you're it.
I was tagged by Marsha...
The Rules:1. Go to where you store your digital photos and open the 4th folder.
2. Post the 4th picture in that folder.
3. Explain the picture.
4. Tag 4 people.
Okay because of how I organize my pictures I had to keep opening the fourth folder and then the fourth folder and then the fourth folder but I finally got a picture. haha...
In this picture, I was trying on a bridesmaid dress once worn after losing near 65 pounds to see if it would fit again (date of pic: Dec 2007), the dress was originally worn April of 2004-- :)
I tag: Amy(Oduamy), Becka, Liz P, and Kathy R
Okay because of how I organize my pictures I had to keep opening the fourth folder and then the fourth folder and then the fourth folder but I finally got a picture. haha...
In this picture, I was trying on a bridesmaid dress once worn after losing near 65 pounds to see if it would fit again (date of pic: Dec 2007), the dress was originally worn April of 2004-- :)
I tag: Amy(Oduamy), Becka, Liz P, and Kathy R
Life
No real reason to this post except to get some things out in my "online journal" of sorts. I could just use a notebook, but I wouldn't keep it up and I know it. I love this, even if no one ever reads it, I think I would keep this going because it's a place to log my life and my thoughts and go back and read them when need be. It's very therapeutic... Anyhow...
1. Cancer. Sucks.
*sigh* My dad is still not in the clear and it's terrifying. Yet, I think I've finally given it up. I think I've finally let go and placed my worry and my concern and my heartache up on the alter and am trying to let God deal with this, since I can't. Last weekend I knew we were waiting on 'final' test results to come back to see if the radiation had worked. Something was eating my middle apart Sunday morning and I could not be settled. After sitting through the whole sermon about giving... money, time, talents... CHEERFULLY... GRACIOUSLY... I knew I still hadn't given this up. I hadn't given God all that I was clinging on to with this situation. And I couldn't stay contained with the invitation was made at the end of the service. I basically threw Mark to an unsuspecting friend and dragged Jamie to the alter with me and just cried. I was trying to pray out loud and most times in the past, I'd squeeze Jamie's hand as silently asking him to pray on my behalf since I was crying and unable to do so, but Sunday.... I prayed. I prayed in between the sobs, one or two words at a time... asking God to be in control. Saying out loud that I WASN'T. That it isn't on my time table or the doctors. That I knew and was okay with knowing that GOD knows how many days my dad will live. It's not up to me. That if it's His will to take the cancer away or not, it's still not up to me to say when he can go on or how long he has to stay here on earth. I, Kate Hobbs, am NOT in charge. (That's a hard one to fully get out there)!...
And all that was BEFORE I'd heard the results...
Which came Tuesday night...
And they weren't good. But, (and even though, yes I was still crying about it) I had a peace. I somehow knew it wasn't going to be good. And I knew that at the same time, GOD IS STILL GOOD.
The PSA count went up after the radiation, not down. So the doc wanted to start chemo straight away to try to kill it off. ... Dad said no. He wants to be told WHERE the cancer is, and that doc wasn't able to tell him. So Thursday he met with a new doc who is issuing new tests and instead of chemo wants to start a hormone therapy. The numbers indicate cancer cells present, but if they aren't showing a mass or a tumor anywhere, then the new doc seems to think if we can just keep them from growing, increasing and spreading, with the hormone treatment, we'd be succeeding. Dad's doing more blood work today and more tests Monday and meeting with new doc again Wed.
ALL prayers for my dad will be coveted. Thank you.
2. "Alllll by myself.... don't wanna be... allllll by my---self!"
No more help. Nic, my BFF, left today. We had a great time while she was here. We stayed up WAY too late the first two nights and paid for it, but that's half the fun. ... She was the last on the list scheduled to come and help post baby. We've had coming and going helping extra hands since even before Mark's arrival. My sister is coming back at the end of Feb, but I have to get through 3.5 weeks on my own until then. I have two meals being brought to help out this week by friends and couldn't be more blessed with all the meals we've been given the past month! The elimination of responsibilities in the kitchen have been wonderful. But, after that it's back to reality. I'll be back to needing to cook dinner, handle the laundry again completely, keep up with the dishes and the trash and the toys... I'm hearing Titus chapter two in my head ... "be busy in the home"... I want to be asleep in the home and have someone else be busy for me! ACK! No seriously though, it will be good to take back some of those jobs and show my husband (and myself) that I can be a mom of two and (hopefully!!!) a good wife and helpmeet as well. ... Though if my mother in law wanted to come back for a couple days here or there, that would be great by me!
3. Contentment.
Mark is such a content baby. He had his one month appointment yesterday (He's gained two whole pounds in two weeks!) and the doc is just so pleased with him. Doc said Mark might become cranky or more fussy around 5-6 weeks, not to worry if he did. That it was just a normal "awakening" time and growing for babies. So we'll see how the next couple of weeks play out. I'm hoping that Mark will breeze on past this "growing" time without a hitch. ...Sometimes I look at him and just wonder. Why can't we all stay this content? Why does the worrying and stress and fear and doubt and heartache have to creep into our once very content lives?...
4. Weight...
Ugh. The nasty dreaded thoughts... I know people have been wondering about that... So far I'm down 24 pounds since delivering! Whew. (I weighed at Mark's doc office after he had his first check up and at a friend's house Thursday night since we don't have a scale anymore...funny to think about "where I can get my next scale 'fix'!")
No, I'm not trying to do anything, I'm not counting yet or keeping track in any way. I'm not exercising on any regular basis (though last night's DDR fest was fun!). I'm not ready to start thinking about that full throttle just yet. I go back for my PPD appointment on Tuesday and I'll let my midwife tell me her thoughts on getting all that going once more.
Anyhow... I guess that's all the heavy stuff for now.
1. Cancer. Sucks.
*sigh* My dad is still not in the clear and it's terrifying. Yet, I think I've finally given it up. I think I've finally let go and placed my worry and my concern and my heartache up on the alter and am trying to let God deal with this, since I can't. Last weekend I knew we were waiting on 'final' test results to come back to see if the radiation had worked. Something was eating my middle apart Sunday morning and I could not be settled. After sitting through the whole sermon about giving... money, time, talents... CHEERFULLY... GRACIOUSLY... I knew I still hadn't given this up. I hadn't given God all that I was clinging on to with this situation. And I couldn't stay contained with the invitation was made at the end of the service. I basically threw Mark to an unsuspecting friend and dragged Jamie to the alter with me and just cried. I was trying to pray out loud and most times in the past, I'd squeeze Jamie's hand as silently asking him to pray on my behalf since I was crying and unable to do so, but Sunday.... I prayed. I prayed in between the sobs, one or two words at a time... asking God to be in control. Saying out loud that I WASN'T. That it isn't on my time table or the doctors. That I knew and was okay with knowing that GOD knows how many days my dad will live. It's not up to me. That if it's His will to take the cancer away or not, it's still not up to me to say when he can go on or how long he has to stay here on earth. I, Kate Hobbs, am NOT in charge. (That's a hard one to fully get out there)!...
And all that was BEFORE I'd heard the results...
Which came Tuesday night...
And they weren't good. But, (and even though, yes I was still crying about it) I had a peace. I somehow knew it wasn't going to be good. And I knew that at the same time, GOD IS STILL GOOD.
The PSA count went up after the radiation, not down. So the doc wanted to start chemo straight away to try to kill it off. ... Dad said no. He wants to be told WHERE the cancer is, and that doc wasn't able to tell him. So Thursday he met with a new doc who is issuing new tests and instead of chemo wants to start a hormone therapy. The numbers indicate cancer cells present, but if they aren't showing a mass or a tumor anywhere, then the new doc seems to think if we can just keep them from growing, increasing and spreading, with the hormone treatment, we'd be succeeding. Dad's doing more blood work today and more tests Monday and meeting with new doc again Wed.
ALL prayers for my dad will be coveted. Thank you.
2. "Alllll by myself.... don't wanna be... allllll by my---self!"
No more help. Nic, my BFF, left today. We had a great time while she was here. We stayed up WAY too late the first two nights and paid for it, but that's half the fun. ... She was the last on the list scheduled to come and help post baby. We've had coming and going helping extra hands since even before Mark's arrival. My sister is coming back at the end of Feb, but I have to get through 3.5 weeks on my own until then. I have two meals being brought to help out this week by friends and couldn't be more blessed with all the meals we've been given the past month! The elimination of responsibilities in the kitchen have been wonderful. But, after that it's back to reality. I'll be back to needing to cook dinner, handle the laundry again completely, keep up with the dishes and the trash and the toys... I'm hearing Titus chapter two in my head ... "be busy in the home"... I want to be asleep in the home and have someone else be busy for me! ACK! No seriously though, it will be good to take back some of those jobs and show my husband (and myself) that I can be a mom of two and (hopefully!!!) a good wife and helpmeet as well. ... Though if my mother in law wanted to come back for a couple days here or there, that would be great by me!
3. Contentment.
Mark is such a content baby. He had his one month appointment yesterday (He's gained two whole pounds in two weeks!) and the doc is just so pleased with him. Doc said Mark might become cranky or more fussy around 5-6 weeks, not to worry if he did. That it was just a normal "awakening" time and growing for babies. So we'll see how the next couple of weeks play out. I'm hoping that Mark will breeze on past this "growing" time without a hitch. ...Sometimes I look at him and just wonder. Why can't we all stay this content? Why does the worrying and stress and fear and doubt and heartache have to creep into our once very content lives?...
4. Weight...
Ugh. The nasty dreaded thoughts... I know people have been wondering about that... So far I'm down 24 pounds since delivering! Whew. (I weighed at Mark's doc office after he had his first check up and at a friend's house Thursday night since we don't have a scale anymore...funny to think about "where I can get my next scale 'fix'!")
No, I'm not trying to do anything, I'm not counting yet or keeping track in any way. I'm not exercising on any regular basis (though last night's DDR fest was fun!). I'm not ready to start thinking about that full throttle just yet. I go back for my PPD appointment on Tuesday and I'll let my midwife tell me her thoughts on getting all that going once more.
Anyhow... I guess that's all the heavy stuff for now.
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